1 year ago

Tw sexual abuse

1 year ago today I agreed to 'date' a man i knew was bad. I said I was ever going to talk to a 17 year old. But i was raised to never say no. And some part of me broke and submitted. I thought, ok, it was going to be a casual relationship, something 14 year old me craved. I was taught i didn't get love. And what i got was what i deserved so i figured hey this is it. What started as a casual relationship quickly turned toxic. I was forced to take and send pictures, to watch videos, to do things i was not ready to do. I was 14. Then i was 15. No one ever told me how to say no. So i didn't. This morning when i woke up i was crushed with 2 memories. First, the time he tried to get me to do something and i said no and giggled and he said i can make you and i thought we were kidding around so i said ok and gigled again. he pretended to hang himself on call. The secondwas the time he called me his *** (female dog), his sow (female cow i believe), when he told me he was going to breed me until i couldn't be breed anymore, and he was going to (redacted) {f word for do the nasty} til my legs fell off. I was scared. Terrified beyond what i could comprehend. Back to this morning, i ran to the bathroom and threw up. Then i had a revelation. Today is not only a reminder of what he did, but its a reminder of what i over came. I left him. I said no. I have an amazing bf who made me see i was actually worth something. Makes me see that i do deserve love. 

I never told anyone what was happening as it was happening, i was told that if i told anyone i would be harmed physically. If i didn't do as he said he would cheat on me and force me to watch videos of him with other women. I lost 56 lbs with him. I have so many scars, mentally and physically. 

So take this to learn that not every bad day ends bad. It doesn't have to be a reminder of what he did. Its a reminder of who i am, how strong i am. My scars make me human. 

My boyfriend says im brave and powerful, but im not, im just human, just fixing the mistakes i made, the things that were bred into me, engraved in my head.