Exhausted, Heartbroken, Challenged.

Hi! I personally don't talk as much, but I am trying to break out of my shell bit by bit. 

I recently moved out of my toxic, abusive family home into a much more loving, happy home, and it's left me with so much relief, yet, sorrow at the same time. As a disabled person, living with my immediate family left me feeling an extreme amount of emptiness, it almost felt like they were becoming careless, and any of my problems, be it medical or otherwise, were treated so poorly, I almost received little to no care or help during my time with my immediate family, so making this decision to leave them after so many years of dealing with the constant stress was more heartbreaking than I personally imagined it being. 

I thought about it, and I had a realization. The reason why I felt heartbroken after leaving my initial home, it wasn't as if I regret leaving or that I felt like it was truly the end of a chapter that made me into who I was, but it was the idea I had to help my immediate family improve, it felt like I was losing who I thought they were into their own misery and pain. By trying to help them, I was having to understand the walls they kept building after I would do as much as try, but little by little I was picking up each hint: Sometimes you can't truly help everyone, no matter how close you are to them. Even if I did manage to help them make SOME progress into their own journey, they didn't see their behaviors as traumatic, and I lived in a place where mental health was a trivial matter, so getting my own help was also treated as such.

Of course, being in a much better place helped me tremendously, but I'm still working on the pieces I have to put back together, some of which I had no idea were even broken, as sometimes, living with abusive people all your life can leave you blind, especially if they're family no less. Even if they no longer talk to me ever again, the healing process will be a huge step out of there into somewhere I'm finally understood, treated with kindness, love, and empathy. It can't erase all the problems I used to face and it most certainly can't erase the empty feeling of leaving it all behind either. When you try your hardest to help your abuse family to be better people, sometimes it just can't work, so you have no choice but to leave, sometimes the best thing you CAN do is be better yourself. It takes time, and progress will always be progress, but what I can do now is rest, take it easy, and take small steps to a much brighter future, I know I can do this.

(I shared this because I wonder what other perspective anyone would have on this particular matter? I'm sorry if this is confusing to understand. TD;LR: I left my abusive home but I'm still having to realize how empty it left me, the feeling that I couldn't fix a long-term situation, even with living in a better place, so transitional stress.) Thanks for reading! 💞