How do you forgive people?
Hi
I recently left a job where I was being bullied by my manager, and after reporting it to her manager, another senior manager and HR no action was taken and it was made clear to me that I wasn't believed and no changes would be made. This was despite the fact that I had been signed off with stress for 4 weeks, was taking anti depressants and told them I didn't want to come to work because I had to sit next to my manager who as soon as there was noone in earshot would start belittling me. The bullying really started around October and quickly excalated because I was signed off for most of January. In the end it was decided I could leave without working my notice and I am now very happy in my new job where I started in March.
I worked with another lady there who had/has similar issues to me with her manager and when she started I was very supportive and we often had lunch and things to discuss her situation and how it could made be better etc. I have sent her several emails and texts since leaving but she has not responded and it has becoe clear that she has had my messages but has chosen to break off contact. Whilst off sick she texted me to see how I was and I texted back that I was ok and there had been no suicide yet. I reailse this wouldn't necessarily be funny to everyone but I meant it as a joke, so I was surprised to learn she showed it to her manager (my manager's manager) who instead of asking me if I was serious and what he could do to help, promptly told me off. Needless to say if I had been suicidal that would probably have tipped me over the edge.
I also became friends with a girl who didn't work on my team who I am still in contact with. I find it a little difficult to see her because it reminds me of the whole situation and whilst she agrees that I was bullied she doesn't seem bothered about how the situation was dealt with and she still works there. Obviously that is up to her but it does annoy me a bit.
So my question is how do you forgive people in this sort of situation? There is my manager herself as well as her manager and the HR person I dealt with all of whom I don't think I would be able to forgive for a good while.
I would like to forgive/get over the issue with the other lady who is/was bullied. We were not massive friends so I am not sure why I am that bothered but I think it is because I don't know what was said about the situation to the other people working there, but I doubt it was the truth, so I have probably been painted in a poor light ie the opposite of who is actually to blame for this issue. So I suppose I am most bothered that she may believe that and have chosen to cut off contact with me because of it, and also I recently learnt she has since become friendly with my manager (despite knowning all about the bullying because I told her regularly during our conversations about her issues), which is probably also a reason for her cutting off contact.
I don't think I have anything to forgive the other girl I am friends with for, but I find it difficult to see her when she knows about the situation and believes me but isn't bothered by it.
Can anyone suggest anything to help? Thanks
@aimee123 i'm so sorry to hear that, it must have been very tough for you!! i cannot imagine all the emotional hurt you've to go through ):
for me, i usually put myself in another person's shoes: if i were to be the one doing this, do i want another person to forgive me? it's two people's loss when conflicts arise. i believe you'll have the best solution to this situation. if you need someone to talk to, we've got your back!!
all the best xx (:
By moving on and letting go of anger
Forgiveness is
taking the knife out of your own back
and not using it
to hurt anyone else,
no matter how
they hurt you.
Hi @aimee123, It's been almost a month since you shared your experience and I hope you have found some healing since then. I thought I would share something I heard on a podcast this morning (Messy Parenting is the podcast and the topic I listened to today was Forgiveness). It's important to make the distinction between forgiveness and repentance. Repentance is when the other person/people involved come with an apology and are looking to mend the relationship. It is between two or more people. Forgiveness is deciding within yourself and if you believe in God, with God's help to unbind yourself from holding onto resentment and anger and moving forward - regardless of whether or not they are sorry for what happened. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person, and I love the saying: Harboring unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It really has no effect on them but ends up hurting you even more. It sounds like you are aware of most of this and really desiring to move on from the situation. After recognizing that forgiveness is only about you and not about the others, I feel like that is a massive obstacle to overcome, knowing that you can forgive someone without speaking to them, without them being remorseful, without even their knowledge.. but it frees you. Something I have researched that is helpful in processing forgiveness is to write a letter (that you will never send). In the letter you'll detail all the things that have happened and all the ways you've been hurt. After each reason, write, "And even for this, I forgive you". It doesn't excuse their behavior but it frees you from holding onto that anger that is harmful for you. At the end when you feel like you've written everything you can possibly think of, write, "For everything listed here, I forgive you". Then when you are finished, burn the letter. Forgiveness is between you and you. That is all, forgive in your own heart and be set free. Ask for God's guidance and strength, ask Him to help you forgive, because really its unnatural and REALLY hard without Him. I hope this helps!
I'm sorry you had to experience so many hard times on the workfloor! When I had issues with someone, I thought I would never forgive them. I understood them and thought I could forgive them, but it hurt too much. I thought I could cut them out and ignore them, but like you, I had this nagging feeling and the wish to forgive them. After two years, I noticed I had healed from the experience and was ready to forgive them. My best advice is to allow yourself to be angry, take your time to process the experience and the forgiveness will follow. Of course, this was my experience, so let me know if you think differently. I hope you find a way to heal soon!