The Amazing Power of Forgiveness

@fruityVision Forgiveness is so important to one's health and sanity in many ways. Thanks for sharing this wondering finding on forgiveness. It is an eye-opener.

Yet another bit of information to help us move to the next level. I pasted this to my desktop. I am so grateful to you for posting this one. I really helps me see the power of forgiveness.

Best........

Hi 7 Cuppers,

I read this again today. What an encouraging message for those of us who need to forgive someone. Today, I forgave my partner for what I perceive to be his cruelty. I prayed for his hurt and pain to dissapate soon. I am going to think of a way to signify my own path of moving on. I was able to think about him with out pain in my heart today. That is truely a milestone.

Best to all.......

@TheBen This is such a helpful post

@

I wish can forgive myself and abuser cos belive was sick...

Based on Amazon reviews for "Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness" by Frederic Luskin, the thesis of his book lays on the message "that you took the offense too personally." This works well for small grievances, such as when someone uses emotional reasoning to jump to conclusions about what their work mate really means or is thinking, versus what they actually said.

When it comes to a much more complex and deeply hurtful situation, like emotional abuse of a child by a parent, this thesis doesn't hold water anymore. How does one rationalize years and years of focused and isolated abuse of a helpless child in such as way where the child can simply decide they were, "taking it too personally?" In emotional abuse, the abuser redefines reality for the victim. "You're not really hurt. You're just too sensitive. Stop whining. That never happened. You're just making up stories like you always do," are the messages the child receives about their experience. They learn to doubt and distrust their own pain, their own emotions, their own thoughts, their own memories. They rationalize, "This must be okay. Love must just require having to tolerate this too." They deny the warning signs their mind and body is giving them that they really are hurt because of these messages their abuser is giving them. Sometimes the abuser will even make the claim that they're the victim and the child is the abuser, making the child feel responsible for the parent's abuse of them! And they dare not challenge their abuser, because might equals right. They'll get it worse if they challenge them.

An important part of healing such abuse is that the child be allowed to own their pain and accept their experience as being real. The thesis of the book, "you just took it too personally," sounds just like what the abuser in the scenario I've described would say to deny the reality of the victim and force them to reinterpret it so that the abuse can be allowed to continue. This is harmful advice in the hands of manipulators and shouldn't be the basis of advice for forgiving their abuser. They could follow the advice, but they'll still never address all the pain they're living with, bottled up inside them, as being real and never begin to process those emotions so they can ever truly move on, if follow this book's main thesis. Emotional processing and beginning to feel well and real again, being able to actually acknowledge the well of suffering they have been forced to carry within them, is more appropriate to long-term healing here, not forcing forgiveness because, "you took it too personally."

As for George Vaillant, he describes forgiveness as "one of the eight positive emotions that keep us connected with our deepest selves and with others." Forgiveness is a cognitive choice to act, not a felt emotional state. It may cause emotional relief after one chooses to forgive, but it is not itself an emotion. Faith is also not an emotion. American Psychologist Marsha M. Linehan, creator of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, lists the main emotions as anger, disgust, envy, fear, happiness, jealousy, love, sadness, shame, and guilt.

That a psychiatrist should get this wrong alone (not the OP but George Vaillant, for it's written that forgiveness is an emotion in the description of Vaillant's book, Spiritual Evolution: How We Are Wired for Faith, Hope, and Love" on Amazon that way too) should raise some warning flags of the basis of the content of his writing.

Now check how Amazon has lists "Spiritual Evolution." It's filed under "Religious Studies."

The first paragraph of the description of "Spiritual Evolution" describes how the current era is on of "holy terror" and how "passionate faith" has come to seem like a present danger. And who is that danger from? He goes on to list Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, and Christopher Hitchens, notable atheists, who Vaillant describes as being happy to "throw the baby out with the bathwater and declare that the danger is in religion itself." This is quite persuasive and emotionally evocative writing. These words evoke defensive posturing from those who are already religious/ faithful. The faithful are under attack! And who will come to their defense? Well, the description goes on to say, "Dr. Vaillant lays out a brilliant defense not of organized religion but of man's inherent spirituality." Now, what does this say of those atheist writers he framed as being part of the reason for his defense in the first place? They don't have "inherent spirituality" like all humans allegedly do? How did they beat the wiring of our brains being allegedly wired for, according to Vaillant?

Vaillant defines spirituality as a combination of love, hope, joy, forgiveness, compassion, faith, awe, and gratitude that binds people together (