The Forgiveness Journey

It feels far too long since I wrote my last deep and meaningful forum post and something relevant right now in my life is the power of forgiveness so I wanted to share some of my thoughts with you. At one point last year I wrote a post on gratitude which you can find here – in that post I spoke about how a large part of the healing process for me, with regard to a traumatic childhood, was related to forgiveness. That act of forgiveness is part of compassionately releasing a desire to punish someone or indeed yourself for an offense. There are certainly no shortcuts with regard to the process, it can be a long road in order to reach that state of grace, but its certainly a journey worth taking if you want to have more joy and feel more connected. Its important to recognize that as part of the journey its okay to feel anger and pain when youve been hurt, in fact its almost essential to feel that and work through it before you can begin to forgive.

Feeling revengeful is something Im sure most of us have experienced at some point when we have felt wounded. I certainly did with regard to the man who abused me, and for other lesser offences on my lifes journey, including feeling let down by others in this community at times. And whilst its natural to feel angry, revenge most often reduces you to your worst self, it puts you on the same level of those people we ourselves despise. There are many studies which show too how revenge increases our stress levels and can impair our health, so in order to thrive as a human being its ever so important to resist the lust for revenge in these situations. As Confucious says, "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."

The hardest part is watching someone get away with something and there is nothing you can do about it. Your best friend may have betrayed you, your spouse may have left you for someone else or perhaps a colleague sold you out. Most often in situations such as these I take comfort in the knowledge that sooner or later what goes around comes around – karma is a beautiful thing. Also it is powerful to remind yourself that the best revenge you can have is your success, happiness and the triumph of not giving vindictive people the power over your peace of mind.

So what does forgiveness mean then? Well, it doesnt mean running back to an abusive spouse, or a deceitful friend or a back-stabbing colleague and allowing the hurt to continue; but what it does mean is, from a distance, you can try to forgive the conscious or unconscious suffering that motivates people. Forgiveness then provides a solution for transforming that anger and liberates you from the negativity of endless revenge. This process may well not dissolve all of the anger that you hold but it will certainly give you the freedom to move forward knowing you are so much more.

I found this 3 step program online that might help get you started:

1. Identify one person youre angry with. Start with someone low on your list then you can get a taste of forgiveness quickly. After that you can proceed to tackle more challenging targets.

2. Honestly address your feelings. Talk to friends, your therapist, or other supportive people, but get the anger out. I also recommend writing your feelings down in a journal to purge negativity. Then, decide whether you want to raise the issue with someone.

3. Begin to forgive. Hold the person youre angry with clearly in your mind. Then ask yourself, What emotional shortcomings caused them to treat me poorly? This is what you want to have compassion for, the area to forgive.

Nelson Mandela once said, Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies. You have the power to change that. Peace is built on the decisions we make and the actions we take in the small moments of our life. And remember that forgiveness does not excuse others' behaviour but it prevents their behaviour from destroying you.