Good moments 🌈

30th march (sunday): today has been a bit of a not-so-good day after yesterday's excellence. but i'll try thinking of good stuff.

somehow my hair was in a relatively good shape when i woke up today. and my mother didn't get mad at me for taking too long to get ready thing morning (because i went back to bed for a bit after using the bathroom and brushed my teeth and put on makeup after i got up again). i was able to get ready alright, sit down and have my warm water and make my bed without getting yelled at.

today has been a very hot and humid day. i've been sweating constantly. but for a bit in the morning, i was working on the laptop at my desk and for a bit i felt cool and wasn't sweating. that was good. and a pretty good shower today.

i've been busy with cups work today and did quite a lot today, all in one day. it was kinda fun. and also talking to a star leader about some problems and questions on my mind and getting to help out as much as i should. i also transferred over two thousand photos from my mother's phone to a pen drive today. i'm glad i've been able to clear up some storage on the phone.

this evening i didn't have to eat fruits because i had bananas in the afternoon. i like eating fruits but hate them in the evening, so that's good. and i had wafers, which i like and they're easy on my hurting teeth. i also saw a cute cat from my window, and something interesting. we have someone moving in somewhere, and i saw their truck getting unloaded and they had not 2, not 3, not 4, but 7 gas cylinders. yes, s-e-v-e-n seven. that's interesting... a bit of a mystery. most people have only 2-4 cylinders at a time.

today during both lunch and dinner, my parents and i were having some pretty good convos and not getting bored. and my mother said some funny stuff during dinner. i had uttapa for dinner and it was good except for the tomatoes. and ice cream, yay! again, not the flavour i wanted, but ice cream is good.

i attended a bit of a session on cups. mindful minutes. it was very good, expect for the huge crowd in there which kinda overwhelmed me. there were lots and lot of people in there at once.

i just vented a bit and that helped. i'll sleep now and figure out life tomorrow.

31st march (monday): there's a good moment that happened after i posted last night. i heard from someone and they said my cups work was done just the way they wanted. that made my day. it's from yesterday but it was so good i have to mention it.

i was extremely drowsy this morning, like really very drowsy. even on 6.5 hours of sleep. i was constantly falling asleep every few minutes whenever i was sitting down. and i think my mother could tell that something was off, because after breakfast, she asked if i wanted to nap, which is a very good thing. andnof course i did. did i sleep well? no. did i wake up feeling refreshed? absolutely not. but i still think napping was better use of my time than trying to push through and do something and failing.

i then went to shower and that was really nice. i washed my hair after oiling it last night. that was amazing. overall it was just a really good shower. and my hair has been felling great since. it's very clean and feels quite soft and silky. i love it so much. and my shower most definately woke me up, and made me feel fresh and clean. god, do i love showering.

i saw some amazing stuff on cups today. some lovely nature pics. they were so good and seeing them calmed me down for a while, and also some nice little interactions here. and a few messages exchanged with my friend.

my new schoolbooks need to be covered with brown paper to protect them from wear and tear, because the ncert books are very bad quality and get torn easily, which i can do nothing about except try to protect them. luckily my mother did most of the work for me, and i just helped her a bit. also, while she was doing it, i got to sit and work on photos and cups a bit.

today i finished transferring all my recent photos from my mother's phone to a pen drive. so i'm all done with transferring. now all that's left is organisation. now that's a tough job.

because my mother had been busy covering my books and we also had the washing machine guys come to look into some issues with it, and because i have school tomorrow, my mother really had to hurry up with making dinner. she figured that roti, sabzi, dal and rice would be very time consuming, so she made noodles. like not maggi noodles. i forgot what they call noodles that is specifically not maggi, but yeah. anyway, that's something she never makes. i rarely ever get to eat noodles unless i'm eating in the school canteen on a friday. but she made noodles at home today, and it was good. this is very rare. like once in a year thing or even rarer. and there were vegetables in the noodles and i hate veggies in maggi but in this, it was good. we also had ice cream hehe.

my room has been a total mess today and i didn't tidy it all day. but i did finish tidying up after dinner. which is obviously a good thing because i hate going to bed when my room is messy. and i packed up my bag, brushed my teeth, tied my hair and everything. and wrote here. it's not often that i do all this in one day.

writing here has been a bit forced today, i forced myself even though it's late because i really wanna get into the habit of writing here. but i really should sleep now, i have school tomorrow and it's 1 am. wish me luck on 5 hours of sleep.

Don't forget that I will always answer good posts here where I can tell you are fighting the beast through thinking a little positively. 

My good moment today was similar to some of yours - vanilla gelato ice cream. 

12th april (saturday): wow, it's 12th april, this is my first time posting here in april. we're close to halfway through the month and my life has changed so much these past two weeks, both in good and bad ways. overall some good things are the fact that my school friend and i still talk and sit together in breaks to eat, we we have a pretty good time. on thursday, we spent two wonderful hours sitting together and chatting while we stayed back in school. and the support from my mother. and rain on 3rd april. knowing some one person is happy to have me here and is glad my suicide stuff didn't go the way i wanted. and bits of feeling very hopeful for 11th grade june 2026 in junior college. and of course, the cool breezes on some nights. some funny moments in school and some days of feeling awake in school. and the best part or school, having a good english teacher. i love her, she's really amazing even though she's old and can be strict. even one good teacher can make a world of difference in my life and give me something to look forward to. me looking forward to english classes.

coming to today, i'd say after a h3ll of a day at school, falling asleep on the bus ride home. then coming home and writing about 4 pages in diary/journal book kinda thing. that delayed my shower a lot but it did temporarily help, even though only slightly. my shower today was pretty good. i washed my hair and everything, which makes me feel clean and fresh. my hair feels great right now, it's soft and silky. also, i didn't lose as much hair today compared to the usual. my mother said she's noticed less hair fallen on my room floor so my hair loss might have reduced a bit.

oh, yeah, school was horrible, but in english class we're doing a poem that looks amazing to me. it has a lot to do with nature and feeling down and stuff, and how in the poet's case, snow helped him and i find that comforting even though i've never once seen snow in my life. the teacher's explaining the poem well and also discussing a lot of interesting stuff like stuff she likes to do when she's feeling down. it was interesting lol.

at home after lunch and talking to my mother, i was falling asleep a lot and did nap for i guess 15-20 minutes or something. it's good. and even after that i just lazed around all evening which is not good but in a way i'm lucky i didn't get forced to study. i was able to get an excuse to get the laptop to my room and watched some youtube which helped me take my mind off everything in my life. youtube is helping a lot today. youtube and listening to music, i really need it.

it's been relatively cool today. high of 36°C only. that's cooler than usual because we've been reaching 40°C on most days. today it isn't as hot and i haven't been sweating as much, and my room isn't that hot. and we have a cool breeze blowing right now, which is certainly helping.

13th march (sunday): finally a day of staying home after 6 days straight of going to school. my mother woke me up at 8:30 am today, which i way better than 8 am. i showered soon after waking up, and it was good. i also had some interactions with a cups friend at an unexpected time, and it was good talking to them. and also, my mother didn't take away the laptop today.

i have some sunlight coming into my room from my small window on summer mornings, and in a way i like that. i sat in that corner of my room for a bit today. and i read one chapter on the enid blyton book i had bought during my holidays but never read it. it was fun. 

i also finally cleaned my room today after days of letting it turn into a mess. i cleaned up my bathroom, did some dusting and even vacuumed because my mother doesn't mop the house on sundays. and most importantly, i changed my sheets. i had this dull, horrible looking sheets and now i have a colour i actually like. a pretty brown pattern. and it's smoother and softer than what i previously had. i'm glad i could clean up my room today.

for most of the afternoon today i was in my room with a only a little bit of curtains open to let a little bit of light in, and i was watching youtube. i watched quite a lot of youtube today and it really improved my mood a lot. all the videos i watched were super comforting and calming and helped me a lot.

at around 4 pm, it got really cloudy today, like it was going to rain. i love cloudy it sadly didn't rain here but it must've rained somewhere close by because in the evening we've had a really cool breeze blowing. and it hasn't been hot today. i haven't been sweating much. in the morning my room was actually pretty cool. i'm loving this.

and i spent some time in the balcony today taking photos. that was good too. my mother made me exercise today evening and i was feeling pretty flexible today, so it went well. also eating some biscuits and banana chips. and then i got some maths homework done.

also, cups work after about 2 weeks, hearing from someone i haven't heard from in almost 2 months, and attending a mindful minutes session on cups today. been on cups and youtube a lot today to be honest, but also done cleaning and a little bit of homework. this feels good. and after dinner, my mother came to ask me if i wanted to have chocolate. it's quite rare that she asks me that.

monday (14th april): oof what a h3ll of a day. not unexpected. yesterday everything was perfect. everything was perfect, my hair, the weather, getting work done, interactions with people, doing hobbies, it was all good. so not unexpected at all. but i'm not allowed to talk about it. i have to think of good moments.

so i guess my good moment for today was when being able to wake up late (8:20 am) today was a holiday by the way, no i didn't skip school. and i made my bed on my own. my mother also didn't take anything away today. not laptop or phone. yesterday she took my phone, today she took nothing. i'm scared for tomorrow.

my shower was relatively good i guess, i dunno. and apparently i was quick to get ready so my mother was happy.

while making me exercise today, my mother joked about how i look like maa durga. no i do not! i am a stupid hated human being and not a beautiful goddess. but it still made me laugh. my mother says the shape of my face is like maa durga and my eyes are pretty. that's good to hear and i'm glad she thinks that way. many people agree on my eyes but sleep deprivation and my struggles with hair pulling is slowly ruining everything.

i guess i'm lucky that today i have had laptop and phone with me. youtube has kept me busy for as long as i watched it. so i didn't have to feel the pain all the time and didn't do anything bad for most of the day till i eventually gave up. but occasionally youtube did make me smile. and cry. though most of it was useless rubbish and makes me feel dead. i guess numb is the right word but i like to call it feeling dead.

ladyfinger sabzi for dinner. it was spicy. made me feel a little better for a bit. my mother and i were talking about her friend who talked to me like a little kid this morning when i wished her happy birthday. at least my mother acknowledged that her friend still sees me as a little kid and not a teen and thus taked like that that that it's okay if i didn't like it.

also, after a lot of bad news my cups friend gave me a bit of good news. gives me some of my hope back. and i talked to a listener for a bit and vented a little bit so that was good. still have a lot held inside me though. 

i dunno i guess that's all i have for today. why is my post so negative and boring? i dunno but i'm too tired to reread and fix it. it's almost 1 am and i'm exhausted and need sleep. just wanna sleep and forget everything. everything is bringing up painful emotions and bad memories today.

sleep reminds me, i was so tired i fell asleep at my desk this evening and my mother found me asleep when she was bringing me something sweet to eat. that was good though.

1:03 am, goodnight.

15th april (tuesday): officially halfway through april. two more yucky months until summer ends. i want summer to be over, i want rain. gotta wait for rainy season till mid-june. but april is actually going by fairly quick, this is good.

we have teacher in our school (he taught us maths last year and i really didn't like him) and every morning i see him coming to school holding his son's hand. he's probably in 1st grade in our school and is very little. other students talk crap about this but i find that it's really cute to see fathers to hold their kid's hands like that so gently. my father never did that when i was little. in a way that little kid is lucky but i also feel very sorry for him because when he's older, he will be under a lot of pressure to be perfect. that maths teacher is a perfectionist.

all weekend i didn't do any of my homework but today before the assembly i was in school early and got some stuff done. that is a very good moment. 

we had two back to back maths classes today (80 minutes it total) and i thought it would kill me but the last 40 minutes went by faster than the first 40. so it was okay. though i made zero sense of what was going on. but it was over fairly quickly.

otherwise it was a h3ll of a day at school. i hated it. it made me feel so overwhelmed and stressed. but when i got home, it got better today. my mother was nice.

today i ate myself. okay, i'm joking. but technically i did eat myself. i am blackberry, or berry as most people call me and i prefer being called, and i ate blackberries today. i don't think i have ever had them before. today was my first. my father got some on sunday and i ate a few today. they were pretty good actually. now i know what blackberries taste like. it's been in my username for years but i never ate them until today. yay, i ate myself. but i'm still alive. 🍓🫐

when i walked into my room after school i saw that my phone and laptop were in place. that was sooo good!! my mother did not take it away today, yay! so i just checked some stuff for a bit before showering. 

my shower was pretty long and good. i washed my hair which i love. i lost a lot of hair while brushing, but i guess it's okay. i am taking meds and hopefully my hair will grow back. after showering, i got dressed while listening to music because laptop was with me during my door closed time that was soooo good after a bad day at school.

today is pohela boishakh, the first day of the bengali calendar. so happy new year to me. first day of 1432 lol. lol lol lol 1432. but yeah. i generally wear new clothes on this day. so i wore a new set of pyjamas. not my favorite but my mother says it looks good. and i always take pictues when i wear new clothes so i did, and somehow my mother's current phone's camera makes me look good in photos. i look way better in those photos than i do in real life. it's quite funny. i can look at those photos 2 months later and think i used to look good.

after my mother explaining some maths to me i just fell asleep. i was feeling very unwell, weak and dizzy. when i woke up i was still the same. decided to eat something since i had only one aloo paratha for lunch. just had wafers because dinner was in an hour and my mother didn't want me to eat at that hour. but it helped so much and made me feel fresh. especially since i just napped for a bit.

because today's pohela boishakh, my mother made pulao for dinner for a change. it was nice, and so was getting a break from dal. i instead had kheer which was great too. and physically i felt a lot better after dinner.

i think i just pieced together a lots of pieces of a story after a lot of thinking. for no reason, just like that. but i feel good figuring things out. i don't know if i'm right and never will, but this still feels good.

and oh my god i can see my father while laying in my bed at... i won't mention the time but it's late. my door is closed and everything but i see him on my window which opens outside and i see his reflection on the glass beacuse his curtains are open and his lights are on. this is very interesting. 

i really need to sleep now. i am extremely sleep deprived and struggling. but i also need to write here. i know i could write only one thing but then i won't feel satisfied so i gotta write properly and that takes time. i need to sleep now i have no idea how i'll get through the day tomorrow.

16th april (wednesday): somehow this morning i was feeling very awake even though i was up till around 1:20 am last night. my hair was feeling fresh and in good shape and it made me feel good.

oh the bus ride to school i was feeling awake and sitting in such a spot where i could hear little children talk. it was good and somehow i was able to make out what they mean even if they used incomplete sentences.

i saw my school friend today for the first time since thursday. she was absent for a bit and came to school today. it was good to have her. also, yesterday i was really wondering what was going on so i sent her a message to check in and she didn't reply, but thanked me for it today. that was good, i'm glad she appreciates that because i was just as a friend asking why she missed 3 days of school.

in the short break, she called me to her class and i went and ate there. she was asking what i did yesterday for new year. i was wondering how come she remembered (she is not bengali, her new year was in march) and then she said she saw it in the news lol. but yeah, good. she remembered it today and that counts.

in english class the teacher finished explaining the lovely poem from the other day and it is really beautiful and calming and reminds me that even little good things can sometimes change the course of our days. the teacher was also explaining well, includinf the message as well as the figures of speech and everything. that part of the class was very good before we started another poem which took away all the beauty and calmness and brought about a theme of destruction.

when someome won't say who they are talking about but you know who's being referred to. ah, so good. happened twice today. first in french class while i heard my old 9th grade bench partner talk to the person sitting next to me in french class today. second time happened at home with a cups friend.

when i got home today my mother gave me dal rice to eat sitting on the sofa, before i showered. and i was being slow so she offered to feed me. like hold the plate and put food in my mouth with a spoon. i know it sounds extremely weird at my age, but once in a while it feels good. i'm also glad i ate because otherwise i would be weak and dizzy like yesterday when i didn't have much of a proper lunch. then i ate myself again today and it wasn't as good as yesterday but it was still good.

after my shower, since i had devices taken away today, i decided to read one chapter of my enid blyton book just to relax a bit. and it put me to sleep. calmed me down so much that i just fell asleep. because mostly it's stress and pressure that keeps me awake and you take me to an imaginary world where there are children and they are enjoying life despite the struggles and have time for fun... i might just get so relaxed and drift off. 

i did have to get up to do my makeup and open my door but after that my mother let me nap today. that was much needed. it is what let me get through the rest of today.

and what is much needed now is sleep. i am exhausted. i have more to type but it's 1 am and i'll type the rest tomorrow.

17th april (thursday): i'm too tired to say much right now. too sleepy. i'll just say a bit i guess. so i somehow made it for the bus on time even though it was so hard and i was incredibly tired from hardly getting any good sleep last night.

it was relatively cool outside this morning, which was nice of course. and i dunno what else to say. our english teacher took our geography period today to teach english and she didn't scold us for not having out books because we we're supposed to have english today. and she explained the poem and i think now that i understand it, it's not as horrible as i initially thought. it's got more to do with human emotions than actual destruction. and the teacher sounds like a really amazing person. i feel like she understands a lot of stuff like difficult emotions and it's good to have someone who understands. and talks about stuff you can relate to like what a horrible place this world is becoming and wondering how people manage to read news early in the morning.

yeah, the rest of the school day was just something. but the bus ride home was great as a third grader talked a lot to me. she was so sweet and talkitive. it started with her asking why i wear a watch and weather it's allowed, then me saying it's allowed 9th grade onwards and her counting the years for her to be in 9th. then onto her asking questions about what we learn and what subjects we have, and her narrating the story of her stomachache the day before yesterday, which is yesterday's yesterday in a child's words. it's very cute and sweet. i used to say that too when i was little. she talked a lot to me and it was lovely talking to her.

i love little kids so much. their perspective on everything is so different and life is way simpler when you're a child, for most people. i wish growing younger was a thing. i wanna be a kid again and i wanna be with other fun kids, spend time with them and help them in any way that i can. there's something beautiful about seeing them smile and have fun, and being able to comfort them if needed. i miss playing with kids, they made me happy and they used to like playing with me.

anyway, yeah, so that happened today, and then at home i saw that laptop wasn't taken away today, which was good. and i ate (my mother fed me like i'm a baby), showered and napped a bit after school before getting ready to go to the dentist. the thing itself was a pretty bad experience today and very unexpected, but while we were waiting, it was nice and there was some nice evening sun coming in through a door. and the glass was tinted so the sunlight coming in was beautiful and calming, in a way. only because i had no idea what was about to happen, lol.

back at home i vented a bit which helped a lot and i feel sleepy afterwards because some of the stress is better after getting it out. my mother made me masala oats for dinner because of my whatever teeth thing, because that's easier to eat than roti sabzi and there's a lesser chance that i will bite my numb lips while chewing.

i convinced myself to forget everything about what i need to do and pack up for bed now. i have done nothing useful today, but i'll go to bed soon. i have a long weekend to figure things out, i can do it tomorrow when i'm more awake, provided i don't procrastinate.

18th april (friday): a lot of good stuff has happened today and since i last posted. i think i posted a bit too early last night and good stuff happened after that. however, it is 1:28 am right now and i really want to get some sleep because i'm tired. if i start writing all the good stuff, it will take time. so i'll do it tomorrow. i'll just say one thing: i had some very good dreams last night so when i woke up i was feeling great and incredibly hopeful. it was amazing. now i'll go to bed and share the rest of today when i come here tomorrow.