Forgiveness

@BestIcanbe
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The first thing to remember is that it's a process, and to also be kind and forgiving with yourself if things don't move along as quickly or smoothly as you like.

In my case, my parents (specifically my mother) were emotionally and psychologically abusive. It took years for me to realize: that it wasn't normal --> that it was wrong --> that I didn't deserve to be treated like that --> that there were steps I could take to get out. But one of the most simultaneously heartbreaking yet uplifting things that I learned was that I wasn't responsible for and couldn't change their actions. It meant I couldn't make them love me and support me the way I'd always dreamed, and it was hard to give that hope up. But at the same time, it was very freeing to know that at every turn, I only had to bear the weight of MY choices, and MY feelings, and MY actions--not theirs. Learning to let go of the ideal that would never be in order to accept the imperfect that was... not exactly easy, but it kept me from being estranged from my parents and putting the rest of my family in the middle (which was the last thing I wanted).

Something else to keep in mind is that you are allowed to have emotions. Sadness, disappointment, frustration, even anger... None of these are inherently bad or wrong to feel. (If someone steps on your toe, you don't say, "Excuse me, would you mind removing your weight from my metatarsal at your convenience?" You say, "Ow, that's my foot!") Don't try to rush yourself through because you feel like you "should" forgive this person or people right now. Sometimes you really do just need to get all of the anger out first, and sometimes what they did was so bad that you'll always be a little bit angry. You just want to get to a point where it doesn't consume you, because anyone who hurts you like that is not going to be the one damaged by your anger. They don't care enough. It's just you that's going to get hurt and lose your kindness, so don't forget to be kind to yourself.

The last thing that really helped me was to not just focus on the negative of the situation (what am I forgiving this person for?, etc.), but also on the positives. The year I first moved out, I celebrated with a cherry blossom tattoo--the Japanese symbol of rebirth, renewal, and new beginnings, and to remind me of a quote from a book I once read, something along the lines of, "People are like trees: we bear the scars of the things that have happened to us, but that doesn't prevent us from continuing to grow and flourish." I also try to pay more attention to when the good memories happen with them; around Thanksgiving, someone mentioned traditions while we were doing the dishes, and a minute later we were all belting out "Tradition" from Fiddler on the Roof at the top of our lungs. I had to blink back tears as I thought, "This, THIS is what family is supposed to feel like all the time." I just have to appreciate it when I can get it.

I'm not trying to make it sound simple. "Just do this!" says the woman who's fought anxiety and depression for 14+ years, has seen more than 5 professional therapists, and who still falls apart at least once a week on average. But I figure we're all in this together, and if I've picked up a few tricks that help me and you've picked up a few tricks that help you and we swap, now we've each got coping mechanisms in our toolkit, you know?