equanimity... Took from Last journal entry
Although I'm again back to sadness but I thought I should share this....from my last journal entry.
You know what? After a long time months, actually I finally saw my face in the mirror. I looked at my body, my eyes, my hair… and I felt free. I no longer felt caged
. I felt like me. Once, I used to be so sweet, I loved myself a lot, and I was genuinely happy. But in recent years especially last year when I met an inhumane girl, everything spiraled into depression and loneliness. But now… now after breakfast, after stupidly pleasing people, after so many heartbreaks and faint nights… at 3:14 am, standing in front of my washroom mirror under the dim light, I saw the glow. 😇 I saw myself the way I used to years ago. I can take care of myself. I can cook. I’ve started eating healthy foods and less junk. I’ve started working out, doing my work, and studying all day. I can write poems and journals. Life is uncertain, so yes problems will always be there but I can see myself in the mirror again, and that’s such a positive response to myself. No one is manipulating me. No one is breaking my heart. No one is disrespecting me. No one is cheating. No drama at all. It’s just me and my friends. I’m not pleasing or begging anyone anymore. Finally, I feel fresh oxygen. I’m even thankful to her boyfriend who told her to leave me because I’m so grateful for it now.
🏃🏻 I can run again… and I’m hoping I won’t pause this time.
And next morning...
Yesterday I woke up smiling, but deep down I wasn’t feeling good. I thought maybe I was healing… but honestly, I really want happiness. Why is this happening to me? Why can’t I feel happy even after achieving small goals? I can’t share this with my therapist I can’t tell her about her. I don’t even know how to explain the void inside me. It keeps expanding. I’m trying really hard to fill it with something, or at least adapt to it, but I still miss my dad, my grandmother, my sister… my whole family. My grandmother and dad are already gone, and that pain never leaves. Sometimes I feel like I should just stop living. But no matter how many times I try, it never works. Do I really have to live like this? If yes, then it doesn’t feel worth it. On top of that, I loved someone fake, and I can’t erase her from my life. I feel so lonely, so empty. Right now, the only thing keeping me going is the hope of my exam at the end of September. If I don’t clear it, I don’t want to study or even live anymore. I’m not happy. I can’t live with this void. People might call me a coward, but at least I tried. I tried until I felt nothing brings happiness. The void always stays the same. No matter how many goals I achieve, I lose the excitement of the process because of loneliness. I still think about how she came into my life how happy I was in the beginning, and how broken I was while she kept lying and cheating. How could I love someone so fake? It’s hard to accept. Maybe I’ll get the answer one day when I start analyzing it. For now, I just know it’s good she left… but I’m still not able to fill the void inside me. And whenever my mom looks at me, she starts crying, thinking I’m not doing well. But how do I tell her, “Mom, you gave me everything. I’m grateful, I’m privileged, I have things others only dream of but the void inside me keeps expanding since childhood. I just want to feel happy again.” A year ago, at least I was smiling. Now, I’m only surviving. How do I tell her I’m not happy? That something inside me won’t let me be happy? That no amount of therapy seems to help?
Anyway… this was just a heart-to-heart venting. Now I have to get back to studying. That’s all I can do right now.