Catfished and messed up

Ive convinced myself that this is so stupid. Literally just the dumbest thing. Maybe thats why I dont talk about it. But even after all of this time, I still wanna throw up when I think about it

I met these people online probably 16 years ago or so by now. And needless to say, they became very important to me. I fell in love. Had the best friends ever. And now that I think about it. It was probably toxic. Definitely toxic. But I was young. In a weird spot in my life. And it was honestly just nice to have someone who knew ME and not what everyone else said about me. It was kinda casual for a little bit. Until it wasn't. I told these people things about me ive never told anyone. Fell in love. So so so in love. Talked every second of every day. Fell asleep on the phone. They were there during my addiction. Through my first pregnancy. My mental health struggles. And I probably held them on a pedestal too high for the 7 years we were friends. One day I got a message about 6 years ago that blew everything out of the water. My friends weren't real. Nothing they told me was real. It was all a lie. A group of friends just messing with me until one of them finally felt bad enough to tell me the truth. She said she loves me like a friend and then disappeared. Numbers were changed. Accounts were deleted. And I shoved it down. For 6 years I shoved it down because how was I stupid enough to let myself be catfished? The crazy part is I called em out a few years prior and they confessed. But only partly. Ive experienced a tremendous amount of loss since November. 2 grandma's, my great grandma, my cousin and my friend. It all resurfaced. I hadn't handled things the way I should have. So many things are different now. Life is different. But my soul is so sad. And I feel so stupid. Still. After all of this time. So stupid. My soul craves a friendship that I won't get back. My mind and my heart struggles with the fact that there are people in this world who know parts of me ive been too scared to show anyone else. I cant get my mind around it. I dont understand. I was there. I was there through sooo much ***. And I know it was toxic. I think about it. I think about what happened during our time as friends. I think about all of the messed up crap, because believe it or not, being catfished wasn't the worst part of it. Not even a little. Its just the sheer audacity. I think about how I gave my everything to people who just tossed me aside and left me with this trauma and this feeling of feeling stupid. And it really sucks.

I bet theyre out there living life. Happy. And im stuck here. Feeling this feeling that makes me nauseous.

Yeah. Maybe it is stupid