Coping through the death process
I'm struggling this holiday as is my family as my beloved Uncle, who actually has been more like a father than my father to me, is actively dying. He is on comfort care in late stage dementia where his body is shutting down. I sat with him in the hospital today as he came in and out of awareness. He recognized me a bit then thought I was his wife who for health issues has only been able to visit the hospital once. It is so hard to see this once vibrant man suffering. Then also handle the feelings and needs of his wife and children. I'm focusing on being a support for them and trying to keep my own grief quiet so as not toalw theirs worse as although I have viewed him as a father figure, I am not his actual daughter and do not want to take away from his primary family. It's a hard thing to do especially as this is a season that is hard for me due to other losses. I'm not sure how to express this more clearly. Any feedback is appreciated.
@Webspinner
It is so heartbreaking to hear what you are going through. Watching someone actively die can be difficult as you begin the grieving process, knowing that the time is coming, you just don't know when, and that's scary. I can understand how devasting it is to see your loved one who was like your father lose his mind to dementia. It's not easy seeing the effects dementia has on our loved ones and I imagine that you have had hard moments even before your uncle got to this moment in hospice. I understand wanting to be strong for everyone and feeling like you can't be as sad as his daughter. It sounds like your uncle cared for you just as much as he cared for his daughter. Your pain is real, you have to face it and feel it. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to not know how to word yourself perfectly. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. While you are dealing with all of this and helping manage the needs around others, consider yourself for a moment. Since your grandfather is in comfort care (which I assume he has a social worker through hospice and they usually have bereavement counselors), I would consider reaching out for some resources to prepare yourself.
Please let me know if you need support during this challenging time.
Thank you I am letting myself feel the swells of emotion and I cry when it comes. He is still at hospital on comfort care as with the holiday hospice and 24 hour nursing care has not been able to be arranged but we are hoping this week he will be back home. He is a fall risk as he keeps thinking he can get out of bed and is not able to stand and support himself but doesn't understand it as he is more in his memories than able to be in the present at this point. I will see what they offer once he is home as he will have a case worker. Thank you for your compassionate words.
@Webspinner
You're welcome. It is important to allow yourself to feel everything and to cry. I am glad that you are letting yourself do that. I hope that you will be able to have him back home before the New Years with 24 hours nursing care. I can imagine that it is difficult seeing him believing he is still independent. It's hard when they don't understand that they are not how they used to be. I am glad that you will reach out to them to see what help they offer. The case worker should be able to assist you further. And of course, you are welcome. I can only hope that my words soothe your pain.
