Do you ever stop feeling numb?
I lost my dad to cancer 5 months ago.
Absolutely no signs and then one day we are informed he has stage four pancreatic cancer and has a month left.
I watched the strongest man in my life slowly lose his will to live.
He lived for four months after detection. But four months, that all it took for my life to change for the worst.
What I would give to have one more night sleeping next to him and holding his hand.
@conscientiousDrum6422 This is heartbreakingly familiar. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not easy losing a parent. I lost my father alittle over a year ago. (Omgosh so similar) One day he was fine and the next he was stage 4 lung but it was all over his body. I watched him slowly disappear. Nothing even slowed it down. It was so aggressive
My birthday was the worst because just after he passed away I found out from the rest of my family that he had told all of them that if he were to continue being alive for a little bit longer it would be so that he could celebrate my 21st birthday with me.
Everyone tells me I will eventually get over it but that's what I'm scared of the most. That by getting over it in a way I'd be letting go of him and that's really something I don't want to happen.
So feeling this pain seems normal, like I'm keeping him with me and making sure I don't lose him.
I do have family and friends to talk to about it but I feel like I'm burdening them by talking about it over and over. So I pretend like I'm doing fine and everything thinks I'm handling it really well but little do they know I feel so broken that it's like I've forgotten what it means to be whole.
@conscientiousDrum6422 Idk. Idk if it's something you ever really get over. I don't mean to disagree with anyone. There were just a few things like that that people would say that never set right. Like "it'll get better." If we lose someone like this - how does it get better? Maybe it just takes time? You just sort of learn how to live with the grief. Oh gosh yeah my birthday is coming up. We used to meet for breakfast. Your 21st birthday is a pretty big milestone. It should have been a much happier day for you
I often write what I feel and then immediately get rid of it but I really like the journaling idea. I think I'm going to use it.
He absolutely loved music, we would go to places with live music and sing together and of late even dance together. I do wish I got the courage to dance with him in public a lot earlier on. I would get really shy when he would ask me to dance 🥺 but he'd force me sometimes and I'd end up having the best night 🤍
It's just that I'm so full of anger. Towards me and everyone around me. People try telling me "oh I understand what you're going through" But they really dont!
I am angry that I couldn't fix it. I'm angry that he got snatched from me and I'm angry that I have to keep living this horrible reality.
The thing is towards the end my dad had a lot of suicidal thoughts because he just wanted it to end and honestly I don't blame him. But he called me close to him one day and said "you know what stopping me from trying or doing anything? " And he looked straight into my eyes and said "you! I could never do that you"
That's why I keep telling myself to be strong because if my dad could do it then the girl that he raised definitely can! 🤍😭
@conscientiousDrum6422 @mytwistedsoul I don't think it's something that will ever heal completely🙁 but overtime we find ways to cope with it a little better💖 I don't believe our loved ones are really gone, I believe they watch over us and can hear us when we talk to them🙂 having a special place to go and talk to them really helps me, and I write messages and poems attach them to a balloon and let it float up to heaven 💖 hugs you both tightly 💗 I wish there was something I could say to comfort you both better 💖
@Tinywhisper11 (hugs you tight) Love you Tiny ❤️ Joshua would be so proud of you too ❤️
@mytwistedsoul 💖💖🙂💖💖
@conscientiousDrum6422 I hope it helps. I know it's helped me a little.
He really was. We naturally had our ups and downs but I know he loved me.
Right now it does feel like this anger is eating me alive. Like it's taking over me completely. I'm trying not to let it but sometimes I feel like I'm failing.
@conscientiousDrum6422 I'm glad that you know he loved you :) Maybe the journal will be a good place to put some of the anger you feel too so it doesn't feel as consuming
@conscientiousDrum6422 😥 aww sweetie I'm so sorry for your loss😥 grieving is never a easy road and it's different for everyone. But yes the numb feeling will get easier 💖 just take your time, let yourself feel the emotions and know you don't have to go through this alone, we are all here for you I'm here for you 💗 hugs you tightly 💗 I will keep you in my prayers 💖
Thank you so much ð¥ºâ¤