Estranged Parent Hospitalized

My dad is in the hospital. He’s suffering from kidney failure and it doesn’t look like he’s going to make it. His wife hates my family and has barred our family from being on his list of emergency contacts.

Amidst all of this grief and drama, there’s me…on the other side of the world…without enough money to afford a flight back home.

Even if I did have the money, I’d be on the fence about returning home. All I’ve known is toxic family drama. I nearly died escaping the toxic family system. I don’t think my nervous system would be able to handle going back even if just for a few days.

If he passes, I’ll have to confront all of the grief and guilt again.

I hope I can make it through.

p.s. I know this post may seem selfish, and that’s fine. My parents were always quite emotionally selfish. I don’t feel justified for that. I feel instead…resigned. I’ve confronted my parents multiple times on their eating habits and gave easy alternatives to their diet so they don’t end up in the hospital. And they never listened.

i couldn’t possibly feel guilty for that, right?

…right?