Fear of Loss
Is there such a thing as having the fear of loss? This is something that I've suddenly developed, after hearing the news of my grandmother suddenly taken to the hospital. She's 93, but in Hong Kong. I'm in Canada. My mum is the youngest sibling amongst her children. Aside from my mum who does not live in Hong Kong, her 5th sister lives in the States. While all the other siblings are with my grandmother.
Upon hearing this news, I suddenly have the fear of loss. Afraid that I'm unable to visit her before it's too late. My heart feels heavy, as the last time I visited her was in November 2008. I never met my grandfather, as he left before I was born. I did learn from my mum though, she was pregnant with me during his passing, so he knows I was coming into the world. She was very healthy then. Some of you may know (as I've mentioned in other sub-communities here), that I'm in a bit of a financial struggle. So, I most likely won't be able to travel for at least the next couple of years. I hope that she recovers well with treatment, and put into a care home to receive the best care. Wait for me to go visit her, even if by then, she doesn't recognize who I am. I don't want my next visit to be along with grandfather.
@Jaeteuk Hi, I'm Celine :) This makes complete sense, and I understand exactly where you're coming from. My own grandmother actually passed away about a year ago, and while it was tough, I eventually learned to accept it. Even if you aren't able to visit your grandmother when she eventually passes, your relationship isn't defined by that moment. Your relationship is defined by all the moments you've shared together, from when you were a child to her watching you grow up to now. She knows that you love her, so when she passes it will be up to you to carry on her legacy and remember her. However, that time is not right now, so I pray that she will get better. The love you two share will always be a part of who you are.
Hello Celine,
Finally someone responded to my post. Thank you for sharing your experience of your grandmother. I actually don't have much memories with my grandmother, as I came to Canada after finishing Preschool in Hong Kong. I remember she did come to visit when I was still in Elementary School, and I still remember clearly the day she left from our airport. Then, with my visit in 2008, although we didn't spend much time one-on-one, at least I got to have a meal with her and the other Aunts.
I guess that's what happens when we don't live in the same country, it's difficult to hold on to so little memories of just the two of us. I feel like I would have regrets if I don't visit her at least once more when she's still alive. I hope by then, she still remembers who I am. I would write her a letter to have my mum hand it to her in October, but she's illiterate.
All I can hope for now, is that she will get the treatment and care she needs and live several more years longer.
@matchaLover89
