Feeling Responsible for Grandmother

This will probably sound crazy, but I feel solely responsible for my paternal grandmother’s demise in February 2020. Like I discussed in another post, it was related to complications from a hip fracture at Christmas time 2019. During my grandmother’s last birthday 2 months prior, she gifted me with a crucifix that my grandfather owned since I have a similar faith. But I lost it when I left it at the hotel where dad and I stayed and I didn’t realize that a few days after we came home. It’s painful to know that the first few months of 2020 happened after that, like symbols used in foreshadowing in movies are true. I will never forget how unhappy my dad was with me because I was afraid of his reaction over losing the cross but did not do a thing nor say a word. I heard him from another room complaining to my mother over how irresponsible I was. This was similar to an incident in 2022 when he vented to my mom because he thought I was “acting weird” when I panicked over my other grandmother’s hospitalization for a scapula fracture. When my grandmother passed, dad was moody like he was when I was growing up with his work situation. This was understandable even though I often use dad and similar people as examples of how people get away with anything when they’re mad but demonize me for the same emotion. I’m a bad person because of that. But my dad was mourning for well over a year, and considered a malpractice suit during that time. He also never seemed the same with holidays after that, which added to my unhappiness that came with living with my parents and my current hatred of the holidays. This contributed to a resentment against doctors that I addressed in another post. It’s all my fault that my grandmother is gone and my dad’s family is never the same.

How can I learn to live with myself? Did I cause my grandmother’s death?