Grandma is gone..
So.. My parents arrived in the afternoon in HK, Tuesday afternoon (HK time), and grandma passed the same night. I was at work today, when my mum messaged me at 5pm, which is their Wednesday morning in HK.. and told me grandma passed last night. My mind was overloaded with emotions and was shutting down. I don't have many childhood memories, but my time spent with Grandma is still very vivid. Both memories of when I was young and still lived in HK, and times when she came to Canada to visit us.
I'm so glad I told my mum to return to HK earlier, as my parents have a cruise trip in mid-September, I told her to return now, so there are no regrets or in case grandma leaves when she's on the cruise trip.. that would've been even worse.
The past weekend, we were informed Grandma returned to the hospital with low saturation levels, was given medication and seemed to be doing better. We all thought that Grandma will be okay, my Aunt in the States supposed to have a cruise trip in the beginning of August (and she had refused to to return to HK while Grandma is still healthy and told my mum, if she wants to go back then to go by herself, Aunt will not go along with her. Although Grandma had been in-and-out of the hospital since her heart attack, she was still healthy, she only had times where she was experiencing shortness-of-breath).. I wonder if my Aunt ended up needing to cancel her trip after receiving the news of Grandma's passing, and make an immediate flight back for the funeral.. I'm so glad my mum made it back in time to spend the last moments with her mother.
Unlike when my Grandfather passed (Dad's dad).. My dad was a day late upon arrival in HK.. Grandfather had left the day before he arrived..
~~~~~~~~~~~
At the beginning of my work shift today, I went to speak with my Manager. To give her a heads up that I'll need to take time off from work if Grandma really passes. I told her, on the last weekend of June, we were informed Grandma had a heart attack, and I went to work the following week, but it was really hard.. as I was on the verge of a breakdown as I worked.. so, I told my Manager, if Grandma passes, I'm going to need to take time off.. The beginning of my shift was around 1pm when I told her.. I messaged my Manager at 7pm, telling her I'll need to rest of the week off, I also told her I left work earlier (she asked me to touch base with her later on in the week to see how I'm doing).. I just kind of did the minimal work that is needed to be done, and kinda left everything else behind.. My mind had wondered off the moment I saw the message from my mum about Grandma's passing, and I was forgetting things (walking towards a way to grab an item, but forgot what it was I needed halfway through the walk).. I went to have my dinner earlier, and left at 7pm (so left work an hour earlier).. The nurses also leaves at 7pm, I saw them in the change room.. I guess I looked kind of out of it and for once, I was rushing to leave.. so, they asked me if everything was okay (because I don't usually ask if I could leave earlier).. so, I told them briefly that my Grandma passed away last night..
I'm saddened that I cannot take a flight back to HK to attend the funeral (I financially can't afford the plane tickets and the required accommodation expenses).. but, I'm thinking about taking the time to ask my mum if there is something we can do to help.. even if it's to transfer her some funds.. or whatnot.. That is, if my mum has the time to chat with me..
I hope I see Grandma in my dreams, so I have a chance to say my goodbyes to her. 😭
I'll miss you, Grandma~
So, my parents confirmed with me this morning.. that the Captain made the announcement that they could dock tomorrow.. She says she'll let us know their flight status when they receive the itinerary.
You know.. this morning, I woke up around 8am.. it is now 11:30am, and I still feel half asleep.. for some reason too, my face is itchy.. so, I've put my bedding linen in the wash.. After it's been washed.. I'm going to do a facial mask.. that's medicated and suppose to help with irritated skin.. then, take a nap after.. I definitely feel that with the grief, my hormones are screwed up.. making me feel more tired than I should..
I mopped the floors this morning too.. I also refilled the dish detergent (my mum has the big container, but we refill it into a small bottle for easy use).. I also refilled the wash detergent too.. Brother has gone into the office today, he usually goes Thursdays and Fridays.. especially without my parents here.. also because I have things happening on Tuesdays and Wednesdays now.. He just asked me help him find his door access key.. he says there had been some changes with the paid underground parking.. and he forgot to take his access key out from his jacket this morning.. So, I had to take a picture of it for him so he could submit some form.. He doesn't drive to the office much though, as parking is expensive.. there's like a rush hour train that he takes in the mornings and afterwork.. So, it's quick and the terminal station is close to his office.. So, he only drives if he has to eat out with colleagues afterwork..
Forget about the post I wrote last night.. To summarize it.. I ended up talking to one of the members from group in the parking lot, as the remaining 5 of us walked to our cars.. Luckily I wore a thick enough jacket.. except my hands were getting cold.. but it was nice.. we usually don't sit next to each other during the session, so we don't get a lot of chances to talk.. And last night, his car was parked further away from mine.. so, we stopped at my car and just chatted for a bit.. Let's say, by the time I got home it was past 10pm.. But last night, we did end the session 10 minutes past 9pm.
So, with today's counselling, I ended up visiting a coffee shop a block away from the counselling place.. their cappuccino was better than the one I ordered at the Brunch place.. My counsellor saw the logo on my cup, and she suggested another one.. that's a block away in the opposite direction of where I went.. So, I told her.. I'll try that one next time.. I also confirmed with her, it turns out I get 12 sessions with her.. I asked at the end of it, will I need to ask my GP to send another referral.. she says she will be meeting her supervisor today and clarify, but she believes she's the one that can send a request into my GP to extend our sessions..
At the end of my session, on the way back to where I parked.. So walking towards the park, looking up into the sky.. I saw 4 bald eagles circling above.. Bald Eagles are my favorite birds of prey.. it always puts a smile on my face when I see them.. And seeing 4 = Big smile..
So, I met with my Dad for some Korean food afterwards.. I recommended that Spicy Cod Soup.. he loved it and he agreed it was worth the price..
@Jaeteuk Hey the reply you wrote me last night? Won't open :/ This new layout in the forums is so buggy right now.
I wrote one last night, but it got rejected because it said it had some inappropriate content.. so, I gave up.. I don't like it when that happens.. and it's usually a long piece of writing..
Oh yes, I'm so glad it's twelve sessions.. I just don't know what happens after she finishes her practicum in June next year.. Maybe I should ask her if another intern will take over.. She says, depending on how long the referral will be received, she might send it in like on the 10th session, that way, we could continue on with our dates without any gap in between.
I remember when I was back in middle school, I went to Scouting with my brother.. and every summer, we'd be by the waters learning to sail.. I remember one summer, on the tallest tree, there was a bald eagle nest.. one of them swooped over my head.. I remember the wingspan was huge! I told my dad about it over lunch and he said, he's walked in that park so many times, and have not once come across seeing any bald eagles.. So, I was lucky..
I had my nap today.. so, it's all good.. I'm just waiting for the towels in the dryer to finish.. I had to give it another 15 minutes as the first time it was still wet.. then, I can go to bed again.. I'll need to get to my bloodwork appointment earlier tomorrow.. for parking.. Oh yea, I've also contacted my other colleague, saying that I'll message her upon arrival, so she could help me bring the K-Cups into the lounge for the staff.. I didn't have dinner tonight.. I was still so full from lunch..
I heard my mum on the phone with one of her friends, who currently is overseas.. I heard my mum tell that Auntie that I'm attending a Group Support thing for Grief that is held at a church by church people.. I guess that Auntie asked my mum how I was doing.. then, I heard her end the conversation with saying that my mum hopes that attending the Group Support will help, and that I can get back on track with life again.. That was nice to hear.. but then, it makes me think, when that couple returns in November.. if they would invite me to their playtimes.. We'll see..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk It's always so frustrating when that happens. The censor is just a little too much. I actually started writing any replies to people in a notepad app so if it's denied I can go back and scan through it and make changes if necessary. Plus sometimes my brain messes up the post and x button lol
You know, I also wish we could edit our posts after we've submitted them. I remember I was able to do that at one point.. but that option seemed to have disappeared.. I sometimes see a typo after I've submitted a post..
Yes.. well, if opens her own practice, it would mean I'll have to pay for my sessions again.. because with the service now, it's free.. So, I'll probably just ask her if there will be other interns after she finished her term who could take over.. Like, maybe she could carry my case over.. so that I won't need to explain myself from the beginning again..
Or may the time of year that the eagles come out is different.. I don't think my parents have walked in the park at this time of the year before.. as most days, it's raining..
It's so much better for wait time at the hospital.. I checked in at the desk around 9:10am.. and I was called and finished by 9:30am.. when my appointment was for 9:30am.. They needed a urine sample too.. I guessed I missed seeing that on my requisition.. Oh yea, this morning, I also got a work email saying that flu shots are available for staff.. so, I went and got that done too.. so, I ended up walking around a bit first.. waiting for my colleague to come meet me.. I gave her the coffee and we chatted for a bit.. she updated me on our other colleagues.. (Apparently, the newer staff that started this year, her mother suddenly passed away beginning of October, so, she's off too.. turns out her mother sudden passed away a day after being discharged from the psychiatric ward.. that must've been very sudden for her).. Then, went to do the urine sample afterwards.. Plus, I didn't want to carry the coffee into the washroom with me.. She was caught up in a phone call though, so I waited for 5-10 minutes before she came out.. Then, I walked over to the supermarket just across from the hospital to grab some breakfast, before heading home.
When I got the email this morning about the flu shot clinics.. I went to ask my mum if I should get it, as I won't be working this year.. because I explained.. as staff, we need to report it online whether or not we got the flu shot.. So, I hinted to my mum that I won't be returning to work this year.. So, hopefully I won't need to officially mention it to her again..
My parents left for lunch with their friends about an hour ago.. It was organized the day before, as that couple will be going away for vacation by early next week..
I woke up at 6am this morning.. so, after resting for another half hour or so.. I'm back for a nap.. can't sleep for too long though, as I would need to feed the dog.. latest, by 3pm..
I was telling that colleague, I'm not sure if I'll be functioning well enough to return to work by next year.. I'll just need to keep track.. that if I still need more time off.. to make sure I get my minimal hours worked for the year.. 31 days of work, would give me the minimal hours required to keep my position.. So, even if I worked only once a week, 52 weeks in a year.. I could still get those 31 days of work in..
Yes, I hope we both can get back on track.. not sure how long it'll take.. but we'll get there one day.
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk Omgosh I have often wished we could edit our posts. What do you think of the new forum changes?
I filled out one of those quarterly surveys for Cups.. and mentioned about how it would be nice to be able to edit our posts as OP.
I received an email from the counsellor this evening, said she asked her supervisor about the extension of sessions.. and said we will discuss more about it when we meet.
It has finally started to rain a lot more here.. I'd say, before COVID, raining season starts by September, just when the school year begins.. after COVID, the rain doesn't come until October.. I think during the years where the world had came to a stop, with all those restrictions of distancing and people afraid to be out and about.. the climate changed in those years.. with less car exhaust, and even smoke from factories/restaurants.. it changed the atmosphere around us.. So, ever since those restrictions have been lifted, the rain in our area has changed its pattern.. At least, that's my explanation.. not sure if it's actually true..
I'm happy that there was no wait for the blood work.. Unlike making an appointment in a Lab, when you go check-in, you get like 6 other people coming in with the same time slot, then, there's usually like at least a 45 minutes wait.. So, I told my dad.. next time he needs a blood test and if it's no rush, then, he could try booking the hospital. Both the flu shot and the blood work.. the spot where the needle went in.. I had a little more blood come out when it was removed.. especially with the flu shot.. The first time the guy had to put pressure on it longer than usual.. Because whenever he removed the cotton, a drop of blood would ooze out.. And that chat with the colleague, I explained to her briefly that right now my mind is a mess, and having really bad memory, working now is just too much stress and my brain would be overwhelmed..
Because I'm a Casual, and not a permanent staff.. according to my Union, as long as I've work 225.5 hours in a year, then, I can keep my position.. I'm also hoping by the time I return to work, my Manager will allow me to work like once a week first.. see how things go.. I was thinking, to do just Mondays first.. since I'll have the Group Session on Tuesday, and counselling on Wednesday.. if anything happens at work, have a place and time to talk about it..
My friend cancelled the puppy-sitting, she had arranged other plans.. It wasn't also entirely okayed by my mum either..
My sleep cycle now.. it's like, a few days where I'll wake up at 4am.. taking naps late afternoon to early evening hours.. then, after these few days, my sleep will seem to be better.. where I'd wake up around 6-7am instead.. Still needing the nap though..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I think I've mentioned being able to edit too. I doubt that would happen though. I think maybe they worry that people would abuse the privilege?
So, for you, the blood work is like the walk-in style and pick a number type? Ours, most of our Lab clinics are by booked appointments only.. with few that accept walk-ins, and even so, there's a limit. But I noticed with the booked appointments, there's like usually around 6 people with the same time slot, so it's never taken on time..
With the flu shots, I only get like a sore arm for 1.5 days.. and I can't sleep on the arm.. I was talking to one of the ladies as I was getting my blood work, there was one on the side watching (probably the girl who took my blood was a student).. the other girl was saying whenever she get the flu shot, she'd be sick for at least the next 8 hours..
Well, that's just my plan to work Mondays to begin with.. I'm not sure if my Manager will allow that.. covering vacation shifts are usually given in blocks (other's take at least 1-2 weeks off at a time) and not a single shift.. We'll have to see when the time comes..
So, I went online to check my blood work results.. everything is within normal range.. only my Ferritin is a bit low, which can explain the tiredness.. It's still within the range, but just on the lower end..
My brother's dog is leaving tonight.. the ex comes back from a flight around 10pm.. so, I'm thinking she's coming straight from the airport to pick him up..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk Yes exactly! It's very rarely that it's a long wait. Which is nice. I guess that maybe they figure it really doesn't take long to do and if they have multiple people working at the same time they should be able to fit so many in? It seems like that the route the dentist is taking. There's a number of hygienists but only 1 actual dentist.
I still haven't had a chance to talk to my mum about a career change.. like leaving the hospital and just work on our own publishing business instead, also because it's not like I'll ever have enough hours to apply for a full-time position.. The thing is though, with the grief and the tiredness, I haven't been able to advance in our business, just don't feel like doing anything but sleeping..
Remember how I said I'm allergic to certain shampoos.. so, my brother bought me one that says it's Hypoallergenic.. well, my face still itches if I wash down my hair and the water goes over my face.. I usually wash my hair when I take a shower, and the shower head is those built-in ones that is overhead, so, the water could easily wash over my face when I'm rinsing out the shampoo.. The only way it doesn't go over my face is if I hover over the bathtub with the corded shower head.. but the problem with that is, my legs get tired afterwards.. And my face is still a little itchy, just not as bad.. So, I washed my hair yesterday afternoon, and this morning, it's still itchy.. and I find it makes me sleepy too.. I have an ointment specifically prescribed for the itchiness.. I applied it last night before bed.. and I think with my nap soon, I'll need to apply it again..
The lab clinic I used to go to, there's usually like 4 people working, taking the blood.. but, still, they are slow and I really don't think they should take 6 people with the same time slot.. I don't understand why they don't change the workflow, so that the wait isn't that long for the booked appointments..
Our dog.. he doesn't know he has a loud bark.. so, whenever my brother is walking around on the main floor, he's barking away, non-stop.. asking to play with him, or asking my brother to chase him around the house.. When they go on walks, my brother says, his dog would bark at people or other dogs.. but, his tail is wagging.. which means he wants to greet them.. but, because he's a big dog, and the bark is loud, other dog-walkers get scared and back away or walk the other way instead.. The house diagonal from us, had been having people on their roof the past few days.. We're guessing maybe with the rain, their skylight might be leaking.. The dog would bark at them whenever the workers are on the ground, gathered at the front the house chatting.. He would also start barking from 12:30pm - 3pm.. as he starts to get hungry and asks us to feed him.. Last night, while waiting for the ex to come pick up their dog, my brother was watching YouTube on the TV, with ads.. there was an ad where it sounded like the doorbell.. our dog couldn't tell the difference, he went to the front door barking his head off.. Silly dog, couldn't tell that it was from the TV.. Finally some peace and quiet, but he will be returning in like 2-3 weeks for 10 days..
This week is another busy week for me.. going to miss those naps..
The usual Tuesday nights with the Group Support, and Wednesday mornings, with the counselling session.. Then, on Thursday, is my monthly check-in with my GP, Friday.. is my dad's dental appointment, to fix the Crown.. which I've told my parents I'll go with them, because it's in the city we once lived in, and I haven't been out there much recently.. Then, I learned that my cousin also arranged for the afternoon tea with my uncle and asked my parents to join.. She said her kids have the day off, so I guess she took the day off herself too.. My parents said, they will tell her that I'm off too, a day before, and will be joining the lunch.. So, Friday would be the busiest.. as the time being "out" will be the longest.. With dad's appointment at 2pm, we'll probably need to eat earlier than that.. So, we're probably leaving the house by latest 11am and with the traffic on the way home, probably get home around 4pm..
My mum's ladies' lunch gathering might be changed back to Tuesdays.. if so, then, I could invite her and dad to join me for the Korean food on Wednesdays.. I probably won't invite them to join me every week though.. it's nice to be able to eat alone sometimes.. If I don't feel as sleepy these days.. I might go try that brunch place on Wednesday before my counselling session.. it will also depend on whether it's raining or not.. Mostly, will depend on my sleepiness when I wake up in the morning..
@mytwistedsoul
It's currently 8:24pm ET.. and I don't see that Grief Group Support Chat in the list.. was it forgotten?.. I don't believe it's in the Support Room 24/7 one.. as there is Ezra is not the host there.. Weird..
At first, I was worried I couldn't attend it because my dad wanted me to go to his MRI appointment with him.. but plans got changed, and I'm the one staying at home.. Waiting until it's 8:00pm ET, and I don't see the Group Chat for Grief.. All that anticipation, and it doesn't look like it's happening..
Is it just me or is it really not showing?
@Jaeteuk I'm not seeing it either. Maybe they forgot? Or something came up. Is Ezra a mod? I know sometimes it can take time to find someone to open the rooms
Not sure.. okay, as long as it's not just me.. But I was looking forward to it.
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I popped into the support room and checked too and didn't see Ezra around either. I even checked the date lol
My counselling session tomorrow is cancelled, she emailed me today saying she needs to take a sick day off.. So, as for lunch with my parents.. I told my mum, then it doesn't have to be Korean food.. So, I'll decide tomorrow what we will eat when the time comes..
I heard my mum talk on the phone with one of her good friends (a couple she met in the previous church they attended, someone I know too).. Apparently, their daughter is having problems with her marriage.. but they have been together for 20 years.. now, they're living apart.. Her friend says, amending the relationship is slim, as her daughter felt the trust is gone.. Apparently her husband made a huge financial decision with discussing with her.. But it sounds like, it may not be the only time it has happened.. Thinking that they have been dating, living together, and finally getting married over the span of 20 years.. there must be something else that happened.. to lead them to living apart.. like my brother and his ex, that couple also has a dog between them..
So, remember how I said for Friday, my cousin asked us to join them for lunch.. Well, when my mum first communicated with my cousin, she specified that we'd join only if we have lunch in the same city.. then, a couple of days later, my aunt tells my dad, that she reserved a table in the city next to where my dad is seeing the dentist.. My brother said, we shouldn't have agreed.. but, my dad doesn't want to say no (this Aunt is the eldest sister on my dad's side).. So, she just changed the time to 11am.. that way, after eating, we still have time to drive back to the other city for dad to see the dentist.. But earlier, I was hoping if we were eating in the same city, then, I could walk around in the mall a bit.. now, we might not have the time.. because if we leave too late, there's going to be traffic on the way home.. But I know we're going to take a couple of watches to have the battery changed.. so maybe then, I can talk in the nearby mall.. we'll see..
Looking at the time, I have to get dressed for my session soon.. I didn't take my afternoon nap today.. Hopefully I'll be okay during the Group Support session..
Have you ever had a time when you're asleep, almost like a nightmare, where you cannot move, like something is pressing down on you.. you can't move, can't scream for help?.. In the Chinese superstitious story.. the reason for that is like having a ghost pressing on us.. I asked my mum the other day, she said, in the past, she went to see those Chinese Traditional Medicine doctors.. and they claim it as not having enough oxygen in the blood flow to some areas in our body, that causes that feeling..
I had this happen to me about a month ago.. I think I talked about it before.. where I had to force myself to wake up from the nightmare.. but even after waking up, the first 30 seconds, I still couldn't move, talk, and still felt that pressure on my body.. A few days ago, the same thing happened when I was taking my afternoon nap, except I caught myself in that state earlier in the sleep, so I woke myself up more quickly.. but when I opened my eyes.. it felt like there was a "ghost" or some sort of figure looking down at me.. it's actually quite scary.. So, I feel that superstitious reasoning seems more accurate than the lack of oxygen..
@Jaeteuk Its still early yet. Maybe give yourself until the end of the month and see if you're still as tired. If it continues maybe see your doctor again. Then maybe around that time it would be better to talk to her about your job?
Yes, I've been checking in with my GP monthly since August.. I'll keep my tiredness in my notes, and bring it up to my GP later on down the road if this continues.. it could also be diet related, since I don't have much of an appetite either.. and not going out for walks like I should.. But then again, when I was working, I'll be walking during my shift so much, and still feel tired, still cannot sleep well.. It might be different though.. walking around in the hospital, rather than outside for fresh air..
Tonight, it was chilly in the air.. when I got to my car after the session, it was only 8 degrees Celsius.. my windows were foggy.. and so was the other guy's car.. so, I rolled down my windows and we chatted.. as he waited for his windows to clear up and I waited for my windshield to clear up too.. It was also very foggy out.. but with our fog, it's funny.. the street at the bottom of the hill where I live, it's totally clear.. I had to stop at the light.. looking in my rear mirror, it's all fog.. but up ahead, it's cleared up.. The church is on a hill too.. so, there was a distance coming down from that hill that it was so foggy, you could hardly see the tail lights of the car in front of you..
Oh.. contacting the shampoo company.. never thought of that.. I'll have to see if there are contacts.. Yes, I would think my face shouldn't be itchy if I'm using hypoallergenic already.. No, I didn't take a Benadryl.. My GP prescribed a topical lotion for me for the itchiness on my face.. she says that it's safer for facial uses to deal with the allergies.. So, I use that instead.. but I think, because when I was washing the shampoo off, since it went over my face.. maybe it irritated my eyes a little, making me feel more sleepy..
Brother's dog is called Hiro.. Yes, Hiro is very vocal.. lot's of anger whenever my brother leaves the house and returns from work, or after seeing his friend.. barks a lot at my brother for sure.. A lot of the times, we have to yell at each other to talk over his barking.. Hiro definitely doesn't know he has a loud bark..
Oh yes.. when my parents were away on their cruise, and our uncle invited my brother and I for lunch.. even with just the 4 of us.. I declined the invite.. but being able to go with my parents.. it might be better, there's more people talking and I could just be there to listen.. There's going to be 9 of us in total for Friday.. And my purpose of tagging along with my parents was to be able to walk around the city where my dad is getting his Crown fixed.. A city we lived in for 8 years in the past.. Hopefully I could get better rest in the next couple of days, and have the energy for Friday.. otherwise, it'll be a lot of sleeping over the weekend again..
I wonder if Cups will host the Group Chat this Saturday.. Should I anticipate it or just sleep through it with my nap?
Sleep paralysis.. that's the word.. I could only think of the definition in Chinese.. So, my mum asked her friends today (Tuesdays' ladies luncheon) about the Traditional Chinese Doctor they see.. one of the Aunties have been seeing him for many years, so, my mum asked if she could help me get an appointment in to see him.. So, we'll wait for the news..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I'm really glad you're keeping in touch with your GP. There is a lot that could be contributing to the tiredness. Depression and grief add to it too. Plus with not having an appetite and if you're not sleeping well. I know the weather adds to depression for me and if it's been rainy there a lot the lack of sunshine might be adding to it too
So, the appointment with my GP went smoothly this morning.. The past couple of appointments, it was with the Locum filling in for her vacation.. So, it has been a long time, since I've seen her.. Which is nice too.. She took a look at the notes the Locum left for her, so she knows about my grieving journey.. I updated her more on my current situation.. she asked me some questions.. She said, based on what we talked about, she feels hopeful that I'm making good progress in my Grief Journey.. She also says it's very rare that I have good insights/maturity to my situation.. To know that my feelings are different than depression, that I know that I need to seek help and can't do this on my own.. To her, it sounds like the depression is not having a relapse, hence, she feels I do not need medication.. She says she's more than happy to have me check-in with her monthly.. so she can keep track on my progress, and provide any support I need.. She also suggested that with the counselling, that CBT will help.. So, I'm going to have to ask my counsellor about that.. because she's just an intern, I'm not sure if she'll be able to do that with me.. Or it has to be a certified counsellor.. I will ask her at my next appointment.
So, with the allergies.. I don't know why, but when I got home this afternoon, I suddenly decided to listen to the voicemail of our landline.. and ended up hearing a message for me.. About a referral to see a Dermatologist.. I wasn't expecting a call so quick, as these specialists usually takes months.. So, I called them back after 1pm and I got myself an appointment next Thursday @ 9:30am!.. Didn't expect that appointment to be made that soon either.. so, everything seems to be going smoothly this week, despite the cancellation of my counselling appointment yesterday.. So, hopefully, the Dermatologist will have a solution to my allergies with the shampoo.. I know a friend who has like very dry scalp, and his doctor recommended a special shampoo for him.. So, maybe I need some specially prescribed shampoo or a specially medicated one to prevent the allergies.. we'll see.
I stopped by the Apple Store again.. and asked another employee about that window that keeps popping up.. He gave me another solution, is to call Apple Support and they could walk me through, but he says, make sure I have like 40 - 60 minutes of spare time for a phone call.. So, both solutions is a problem for me.. first of all, I find it a hassle to unplug my computer, make an appointment, and bring it into the Apple Store.. secondly, I do "NOT" like talking on the phone.. Makes me wonder if they have live chat supports that could help me solve the problem..
Oh yes, I also told my mum that we could have our "chat" tomorrow during dad's dental appointment.. as I when I woke up this morning, I felt so tired/sleepy.. the usual.. But I didn't feel like I slept well last night.. it seems like although I tried going to sleep around 2am.. I didn't fall asleep until close to 4am.. If it wasn't for my GP appointment, I would've stayed in bed later.. but, I had to wake up and eat some toast first..
So, yesterday when I was out with my parents for lunch.. the place I first wanted to try, it was closed for renovations.. so, we ended up eating at another restaurant but of the similar cuisine.. Shanghai foods.. Before going to the other restaurant, we walked through the mall and saw my mum's friend who was supposed to be her day off from work, but came back because of pipes leaking in the store she worked at.. She helped us call the Traditional Doctor for an appointment the same day.. and I ended up seeing him at 3pm yesterday..
So, with his type of treatment.. it's powdered medication.. not the old-fashioned style, where we boil our own at home.. So, he provided 6 days of treatment.. twice a day, so I'll need to see him again next week.. He says acupuncture is only recommended if I'm feeling physical discomfort.. he said he had a patient who lost his father and he ended up having physical pain all over.. for his case, acupuncture lifted all that pressure and pain almost instantly..
Yesterday, I went for a nap around 4pm and when I got up, it was around 7pm.. My brother told me Hiro met his sister.. Turns out the ex's colleague is raising Hiro's sibling. My brother showed me some pictures.. they look exactly the same.. Hiro came from a litter of 8-9 pups.. That's so cool.. to be able to meet a sibling again after 6 years.. I wonder if they remember each other?.. Hopefully from now on, they can spend more time with each other!.. fur-wise, the sister has more of the straight fur.. so, I guess has more genes of the sheepdog.. rather than the curly fur that Hiro has, like the poodle.. but the size, fur color, it's all the same.. Except personality-wise, my brother says Hiro's sister is a lot more hyperactive.. Makes me wonder, if she also has a loud bark.. imagine them conversing with each other, it would sound like they are having an argument.. lolz
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk It's good to hear that your appointment went smoothly and that she thinks you're making good progress. And it's really good that she feels you don't need medication. I had just seen a few days ago that there was a really big recall on antidepressants here. I'm not sure if it's just in the US or if other places were included.
Maybe I'll try out the live chat with Apple over the weekend..
Seeing my Aunts, Uncle and Cousin for lunch.. it was okay.. the price of the food was of a better deal, compared to similar restaurants we go to in our hometown.. Turns out my cousin's husband also took the day off.. We left earlier, as planned.. and lied that I was meeting a past colleague in the city my dad was having his dental appointment in.. So, we left before they finished all the food..
We ended up walking around 2 different malls, since we were walking and looking in stores, I did not get the chance to have any talks with my mum.. So, she'll probably try and plan something another time.. But I'm quite busy next week.. another busy week.. And it'll probably be better if my mum is less sore.. the physiotherapist she saw yesterday, says that it wasn't from an old injury.. something about her pelvis, and that she felt there was a spot by her buttocks that is swollen.. Taught her some stretching exercises.. so, hope she will feel better soon..
It was nice to be able to walk around those 2 malls, see which stores are still around from when we lived there 8 years ago.. and see what new stores are in its place now.. There was a snack store that was there from before, we ended up buying 4 things there.. But it was kinda stupid.. they didn't have another plastic/paper bags for like 25 cents, instead, offered a $4 reusable bag.. My mum changed her purse this morning, so, forgot to bring it.. So, I ended up carrying the 4 items in hand.. until my mum was able to go into a grocery store, and took 2 plastic bags (the clear ones you can find usually in the fruits/produce section.. Then, continued to wait for my dad to come out from his appointment.. Then, we drove over to the second mall.. If we weren't aware of the traffic back home or it getting dark, there are other malls I'd like to see.. and roads I'd like to pass by again.. But, my dad doesn't like to be stuck in traffic for longer times, so, we left shortly around 4pm.. and we picked up a fried rice at the foot of the hill of our home.. It was nearly a 1.5hr drive/traffic back home..
I think I'm going to be resting over the weekend.. my left shoulder was starting to get sore from my purse.. And I was totally starting to get sleepy around 3pm..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk How did your father's dentist appointment go? Is everything fixed up for him now?
Dad's appointment was good. Got the Crown fixed, and even made a mold for the bridge that needs to be redone. He has to go back out this coming Friday to pick it up, as it's needs an extra tooth on it. It's almost like a retainer that can be taken out when he's not eating..
The only reason I decided to join my parents for the lunch with Aunts and Uncle and cousin, is because I wanted to walk in those malls.. Otherwise, I usually try and avoid meeting my cousin for meals (but at the same time, if we get to choose what to eat, I always choose the most expensive one because both her and her husband are very cheap, they don't like spending money on things they don't care about).. the way she raises her two boys, we always shake our heads.. it's all about give and take.. We're always saying how it's going to be problematic when they become adults and start going into a workplace..
There were still empty stores in the malls.. The thing is, if I don't follow my parents out the coming Friday, they could take public transit.. As for seniors, it's like half price.. Then, if my brother drives to work, they can take the sky train to his workplace and get a ride home from him.. Otherwise, I might ask to join them again.. so, we could visit the other malls.. but if I were to take public transit with them.. it's much more expensive for my fare..
My mum usually have those foldable ones in her purse whenever she goes out.. most grocery stores or other retail stores, usually only cost 25 cents, if it's a paper bag.. some places still will not charge for a bag.. but most places, you need to ask for a bag.. I think though, many now bring their own..
I just remembered, I won't be able to follow them out on Friday anyways.. I have my blood and urine test at 3:20pm at the Hospital again.. Going to be another busy week.. I'm just wondering if my parents could give me a ride on Thursday.. as mornings, there will usually be traffic during rush hour, and we passed by the area of my appointment on Friday on the way home, and I noticed road work right at the light where I'm supposed to turn at for the appointment.. If my dad drive, then, maybe they could park at the one hour free parking for the grocery store.. Rather if I drove on my own, I'll have to pay for the parking as a visitor to the medical building.. I'll see how things go, I'll probably have to confirm with them on Wednesday..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I'm glad his appointment went well. And they made the mold for his bridge too. He's got to feel better having that crown fixed. I worry about how much it would hurt if mine falls out since it hurts so much when she cemented it in
He called the dental office this morning, asking if they have a slot for him to get his teeth cleaned too.. They said, they have a spot in the afternoon, around 4pm.. So, they cancelled his morning appointment and moved both to 4pm.. Unfortunately, because my appointment is at 3:20pm, I will not be able to join them.. Plus, they haven't decided whether they'd be driving or not.. because if cleaning takes an hour, and getting that bridge fixed, it might be close to 5:30pm.. which means there will definitely be traffic.. So, unless my brother drives to work at a later time to the office, then my parents could take the skytrain out to his office and come home that way (if they decide to not drive)..
My cousin.. she changed so much, before and after marriage.. Her personality changed, the complete opposite, and turned more evil.. Always getting into arguments with her mum.. they live together.. My Aunt as been separated from her husband for 30+ years.. but, never signed any divorce papers.. Her youngest is on the Spectrum (very artistic and creative mind), both sons are smart kids.. but because of being so spoiled, I think as adults it will be a problem..
I just remembered, last reply, I forgot to mention.. I didn't end up contacting Apple through chat over the weekend.. I noticed, for my iTunes, the account that it's logged in to, is the same one that's showing in the pop-up windows.. which makes me wonder, if I log out and change another email, if my iTunes playlist will be gone..
I just feel so lonely with the grief because I'm the only member in my family that is impacted so greatly.. Like, I feel like I can't talk about it to anyone at home..
I haven't ridden on public transit ever since COVID either.. I almost did last winter.. when it snowed, and I couldn't get my car out.. Almost took the transit to work.. but, after waiting for an hour at the bus stop, I gave up and called in, saying that I couldn't get there.. And it's just so costly, especially if I were to take it to my dad's dental appointment.. going through 3 zones, is not worth it, when I need to pay the full price.. Yea, a lot of the times, they time the bus schedule and walk to the stop, then, by the time they get to the bus terminal, the wait for the Skytrain is just around 7 minutes.. But for Friday, I think they will decide based on the weather.. because there's a short walk from the bus stop to the mall.. They don't like the rain..
A lot of places here.. grocery store or retail, don't even have the plastic bags anymore.. We use them for our household garbage cans too.. especially the small garbage cans we have in our washrooms.. but, because there's hardly any now.. a lot of the times, it's the paper one.. they encourage us to bring our own reusable bags instead..
I don't think the medicine from the traditional doctor is helping with my sleep.. I don't think sleep can be fixed.. because of the fact that I could only be asleep for a maximum of 6 hours straight.. But, maybe it could help me feel more rested? My bowel movement is improving slowly though.. the first few days, it caused stomachache shortly after drinking the tonic, then, by Sunday.. no more stomachache.. but back to the less frequent bowel movement.. I will see him again tomorrow.. I'm thinking of just walking in after my Korean lunch.. Then, tell him, if I could go see him every week, around the same time.. I think he's pretty flexible.. he's the only person in the clinic.. I think, as long as I go at a time before school ends for the kids.. he should be more free.. Plus, I'll be going by myself tomorrow.. as my parents are meeting another couple for lunch.. I could put my Mandarin to the test.. lolz.. Last time, my mum spoke most of the time.. But mine should be better, as I watch a lot of dramas and listen to a lot of music in Mandarin.. But now.. this medicine is another extra expense I need to spend every week.. Last time, it was $84.. Which also means.. I'll need to go to the ATM more frequently to get cash.. Because with cash, there's no service/tax charge compared to paying with a credit card.. Come to think of it, it's cheaper than seeing the other counsellor, which was $170+tax for only 50 minutes per session.. where with the medicine, it's for 6 days, twice a day..
Oh.. another thing the traditional doctor mentioned.. because my mum told him that I've been using an IUD for the second time now.. he says he doesn't recommend it, as with the continuous hormones it contains, it screws up my own body's production of the hormones.. which in the long-term, may lead to a higher risk of breast cancer.. But you know, I'm not sure if I want to go back to the days without the IUD.. the heavy flows are not fun.. but he makes it sound like, that he could fix it.. through the tonics.. So.. don't know what I'm going to do.. It also makes it difficult to work during those days of the month without the IUD.. So, I'll see.. I'll decide later on down the road.. have to see if this doctor is good enough and can solve the current problems first..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk That's great that they can do both now but yeah that will definitely set them back time wise. Hopefully they find a solution there and home that works for everyone
No, my cousin is also not on good terms with the dad. From what I know, my Aunt adopted my cousin at a young age, as she was the daughter of the husband's sister.. but my Aunt, over the years that they've separated, have always talked in of him.. so, overtime, my cousin also doesn't like her dad.. But her personality change, it's not because of her parents.. I just know, my Aunt has never liked my cousin's husband, even when they were dating, my Aunt did not approve of him.. But my Aunt has high dignity, and had told all her friends that her daughter is very filial, and wants to live with her mother even after marriage.. So, that is why they all still live in the same house.. But the before and after marriage.. Before marriage, my cousin hardly argues with her mother, and gives her monthly allowance as she cooks for the family. After marriage, they always argue, my cousin going against her mother and stopped giving her allowances.. It's horrible, whenever I join my parents for lunch with my Aunt, and my cousin is present, almost every single time, you can see that there's an intensity between them.. they're either not talking to each other, or my cousin will continuously putting out all the things my Aunt is doing wrong (in terms of spoiling her grandchildren)..
This is why, my family and I, we always end up discussing at home.. how bad we feel for my Aunt and my cousin's kids.. they're growing in like a broken family.. and the way that my cousin raises her kids.. all that give-and-take, it's definitely going to take a toll in their adult life.. We always shake our heads when we think about them..
You know, we all grieve differently, there really isn't a right or wrong way.. So, don't feel like you shouldn't be grieving.. Just like the host of my Group Session says, "Grief is another word for love".. The way and period of time we grieve shows how much love with have for the person who passed.. So, we will forever grieve for our losses, no matter how many years have passed.. It's just as time passes, we learn to lessen the intensity that affects our daily lives.. things "will" never be the same again.. but, we learn tools to move on with life despite how that person is no longer with us.. There is a helper in our group, that lost his wife from cancer back in 2008.. and he's still grieving now.. Some days are harder than others, especially through holidays like Christmas or birthdays or anniversaries, etc.. But, he still has to live, and move forward in life.. So, I think with us, having to both recently lost someone, all those emotions are still very raw.. and it will take time for us to move on with our lives.. We just need to listen to our bodies and be patient in the grieving journey.. we cannot compare our grief to others who are or aren't grieving with the same loss..
I went to see the Traditional doctor today, thinking I'll walk-in.. turns out he usually starts working at 3pm and he said, he sometimes doesn't come to the office unless there are patients booked.. so, before leaving, I booked for next Wednesday for 2:45pm.. With my appointment, I told him the affects I had with the tonic for the stomachache, and saying that I was feeling okay after Sunday.. Told him that my appetite is still not good, saying still have trouble falling asleep, and I told him that I'm not afraid of bitterness in the tonic (my mum once told me, from her friend, that if we tell him we are not afraid of bitterness, he will give better medicine).. I tried the first dose this afternoon, and it's still not bitter.. When he was checking my pulse, he asked, if I usually have a fast heart rate.. I was like, no, it's usually quite slow.. then, he was like, well, it feels pretty quick now.. I was like, I'm anxious, he's like why.. I said because I'm speaking Mandarin.. Then, he said, I could speak Cantonese too, as he understands.. I replied, it's okay, it's practice for me..
I don't have any one to actually speak my Mandarin to, but because I watch a lot of dramas and listen to Mando-pop, I learn a lot of words and phrases.. But it's funny, sometimes when I'm thinking about something, it will be in Mandarin.. and whenever I talk to myself (usually when I'm taking a shower), I also speak Mandarin.. when Cantonese is my mother tongue.. Also at one point, when I was really into Korean dramas.. my thoughts and self-talk, ends up in Korean.. So to be able to use Mandarin with this Traditional Doctor, it's good practice..
I'm a little afraid to remove my IUD now.. the heavy flows are scary.. and I really don't know if tonics can help it.. as my Gynaecologist explained one time, that my flow is heavy because my uterine lining is thick.. so, when the time comes, shedding off that lining caused a heavier flow.. So, I don't know if tonics can thin that lining?
Oh, I've had times were I get a glitch on my end too.. and the post shows up twice.. I'd hit post once.. then, it doesn't show up in the thread.. then, when I go back and make another post, it doubles up.. So, I'm thinking it's the site.. maybe at that time, there are too many users posting or navigating the site that caused a glitch.
I'd better go to bed now.. almost 10pm here.. Need to wake up earlier tomorrow for some breakfast before my appointment.. Got a call from the Dermatologist office this afternoon around 2:15pm, reminding me of the appointment at 9:30am tomorrow.. But it's good my dad could give me a ride.. But depending on the morning traffic and road work, we still might need to leave the house by 8:30am..
@mytwistedsoul
Saw a typo in my post, after I hit Post.. should be "talked ill of him" at the beginning there..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I wanted to reply sooner but I'm still having Internet issues and it drops off. And now I've having trouble posting. An api error? Lol idk
No worries. It sucks when there's internet issues.
My Aunt and Uncle, although they've never signed divorce papers, but they have lived separately for at least the past 30 years.. A couple of years before COVID, I heard my Aunt say her husband came and rented somewhere to live.. Because my Aunt has been in Canada for 30 years, supposedly, her and her spouse is able to receive government funds for old age pensions.. and since they are still legally "husband and wife".. one of the requirements for the spouse to receive the money, is that he needs to have lived in Canada for several months per year.. So, once in while, my parents would hear my Aunt say that they met up for lunch occasionally. Nowadays though, I'm not sure if he's in town anymore.. At least, my family has not seen him, had only heard from my Aunt of him in the past.
It is heartbreaking to see the tension between my cousin and her mother.. like I said, we always shake our heads when we see how they talk to each other.. My cousin is always scolding her mother, even in front of us.. so, it's not like everything happens behind closed doors.. My Aunt is being treated disrespectfully in the public too.. But at the same time, we feel my Aunt brought this on herself too.. to have wanted to live with my cousin after she married, rather than kick them out of the house..
There is one thing that is so unbelievable. My Cousin once told me, because the townhome is under my Aunt's name, so it's like her estate. She only continues to live with her, to wait for her to die, so she can claim the house and if they do need to sell the place and move to a smaller home, she can have the money.
I can't believe she said that! But my Aunt is very strong, she's a breast cancer survivor.. she's in her late 70s now, and doesn't have much health issues.. still drives, still walks a lot, and tries to eat healthily.. her own cooking is often very bland.. doesn't use a lot of oil or seasoning.. My grandpa lived until his late 80s, and he only passed away because he had a fall.. and then was bedridden..
Next time I see my GP this month, I will ask her about the IUD.. if it's true that it increases the risk of breast cancer.. I was using birth control pills before switching to and IUD because it increased the risk of developing a DVT, which I ended up with an incident in my left leg.. So, back then, my GP says and IUD would be safer in that sense.. But if the Traditional Doctor says that it increases the risk of getting breast cancer.. then, I really don't know what I'll do..
So my blood work today, luckily it was just one tube.. but, I bled a bit after the removal of the needle.. they used to just use a cotton ball and tape over the needle hole.. I guess I didn't put pressure on it long enough, my blood soaked through the cotton ball.. I was just getting ready in the washroom beside to get a urine sample.. then, I got blood on my thumb as I tried to apply more pressure.. so, I went back next door and asked the nurse from a bandaid instead..
I don't used to bleed that much when I get blood work done.. last week, I was bleeding a little after getting flu shot too.. it's weird.. Maybe the tonics have increased the blood flow in my veins? The nurse was like, are you on blood thinners..?
After my blood work, I went to mail something at the strip mall across from the hospital.. I received an email this morning regarding our parking passes.. because we've switched to ePermits, I was asked to mail back the physical parking pass we used before.. Then, I also bought a moisturizer that the Dermatologist suggested.. So, I'll try that out tonight.. I also got the prescriptions yesterday for the eczema on my elbow.. that seemed to work quite well.. The Dermatologist office sent me an email this morning, with a list of suggested moisturizers for me to try on the face.. So, I'll have to try them out one-by-one.. I'm needing to go for a follow-up in 4 months.. but they said, the office will contact me when the time comes.. I don't need to make the appointment now..
I just bought a product my brother found as shampoo.. it says it's good for ultra sensitive skin.. So, I'll see if it's good for me..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I have to have another Internet tech out again today. It's still being a problem. I really hope they can fix the problem today because it gets so frustrating when I want to use the Internet and it's not available.
Well.. my cousin is very fake.. she acts a certain way as a show for the rest of us to see.. either make it look like she's the one that is suffering, or make it look like she's the one in control.. You know, when you're talking to her.. you can tell that her eyes and ears are focusing on other conversations than to the person she's talking to.. and the way she talks.. it's like out the corner of her mouth.. so, it looks like she's being sneaky..
We think she will just let her stay in the home until my Aunt passes.. because if she sticks her in a retirement home, it will show that she has strongly cut her out of her life and not care at all.. at least, keeping her in the home, shows she's still cares for her.. even if it's just on the surface.. There had been times where they got into intense arguments and my Aunt runs away from home.. and stays over at her friends' house for a night..
My Aunt is the very stubborn type of person, basically, everything has to be her way and no one can say no.. It's like, she doesn't care about anybody but herself.. an example, my Aunt messaged my dad saying that she's going to take public transit into our city for lunch on Friday, telling him what time she'll arrive and where she'd like to have lunch.. She would never ask, if we are free.. by the time she tells us her plan.. it's final.. and we just need to say "yes".. And even if she asks, she still sticks to her initial plan.
So, both my family and my uncle's family, we never would invite her over or offer her a place to stay if she argues with her daughter.. I think because she's the eldest sibling on my dad's side.. she thinks she's boss and all the siblings are her underlings.. no one has the right to say "no" to her..
I'll ask my GP when I see her in a couple of weeks.. see what she has to say about risks..
My Dermatologist gave me a list of facial moisturizers to try.. I bought the cheapest one to try with first.. my mum found another one that's a facial cleanser.. will try that one too.. the shampoo my brother found for me.. I've ordered one, and it's being delivered, on it's way now.. The allergy patch test, my GP sent in a referral months ago.. even with the Dermatologist, she says the waitlist is currently 2 years.. So, until then.. it's just a lot of trial-and-error with products for my face and hair..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk It such a shame that your aunt and cousin's relationship is that way. It seems like a very complicated relationship that's for sure. It must be an eldest child thing that she still acts like the boss. She was probably responsible for everyone when they were all kids. I think that's a good boundary for your family and your uncles family to not invite her to stay when her and your cousin are fighting. It would put everyone in a potentially awkward situation. And if it happens fairly regular she might be showing up unannounced a lot.
Yea.. my cousin and her Aunt immigrated here a couple years after us.. and back then, we shared our guest room with them for about 2 years, as my cousin studied University here.. Back then, she was like an older sister to me.. one that I could talk comfortably with.. but, after she and her mother moved out, to live closer to the University.. our relationship also became distant.. then, when she started dating and then married.. fast forward to the present.. we hardly ever talk now.. neither of us would send a message to each other first.. And when she does message me, there's a purpose.. either to try and get info from me (gossip), or her very fake caring..
So, I got the results of my second blood and urine tests back.. they're normal.. which is good and bad.. because the purpose of running tests were to try and figure out why I feel tired all the time.. So now, that doctor probably won't need to call me.. but you know.. my Sodium and Potassium are quite high.. like in the normal range, is very close to the upper number..
So, this morning, I asked my mum if she had plans tomorrow.. as my appointment for the tonics is at 2:45pm.. after my lunch, it would only be around 1pm or so.. so, I asked if she'd like to hang out until my appointment time.. otherwise, by myself, I won't be able to pass time.. then, she went on and said, we haven't had our "talks" for a long time.. as previously, we canceled a couple of times.. She has an appointment for 3:30pm with the bank.. I'll have to confirm with her tonight.. see if they will join me for my Korean lunch.. I'm planning to try that brunch place in the morning before my counselling appointment.. It's good timing, because I finish my tonic this morning.. then, for tomorrow.. I don't have to worry about drinking it after breakfast.. otherwise, it'll be a hassle if I need to consume it away from home..
By the way.. do you get a lot of snow in the winter where you are? The other day, my brother said he saw on the news that for us this year, it's going to be a lot of snow.. Which makes me think, I should get my snow tires put on within this month.. I'm thinking.. if I should take it to the garage my brother went to before for maintenance.. Have them change oils and get the tires changed at the same time.. I haven't taken my car in for years for oil changes or for any type of maintenance (just getting snow tires on and off each year).. Maybe I could get them fix a seal on my windshield.. as I'm thinking that might be the reason why my windshield would frost up on the inside.. It's just that the place is about a 15-20mins drive away..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk That must have been really hard to have her go from being like an older sister and then when they moved away that distance formed. And now that you're both older she only gets in touch because she wants something. Anything you'd share with her you'd have to be afraid she'd share it with the rest of the family
I don't talk to my cousin at all now. Knowing she's just pretending to care, it's like a toxic relationship if I tell her anything. Just a waste of time.
Grief exhaustion.. Hmm.. maybe.. but the blood tests were first ordered before my grandma passed, and the tiredness was already bothering me.. it's just with the grief now, it seemed to have gotten worse and more intense.. If it is the high potassium levels that's causing the tiredness, maybe I'll hear from the doctor's office either tomorrow or next week..
With tonics, it's really hard to know if it works or not.. because it helps internally and you don't usually see it quickly.. but this time, we're focusing on my throat-clearing.. and how my throat always feels itchy, causing me to cough throughout the day.. So, for the week, we'll see if this tonic will help my throat feel better or that I'd cough less.
So, as my dad did yard work yesterday morning, only my mum joined me for lunch. My brother dropped her off at the restaurant, as he went to grab a Subway and groceries.. Over lunch, we talked about my counselling sessions, as to things I talk about with my counsellor.. Then, since we already had lunch, we were too full to sit in a coffee shop for a more serious talk.. So we only talked about my lack of appetite as we walked around the mall and during the 2 block distance to the strip mall where I see the tonic doctor..
I did end up trying the brunch place.. I ordered the safest dish and tried out their gluten-free menu.. and ordered a french toast.. I believe it's made of almond flour, based on the texture.. Why I say it's the safest, because I'm sure they would not put black pepper into the mixture. Let's just say, it's a bit pricy.. so, I'm fine with trying it once and not go again.. Their coffee was good though, kept filling up my cup when I've only drank half of it.. Filled it up like 3 times.. For the price, they should've given a thicker toast..
So, I contacted that garage and they replied right away. Now it's booked for Monday, Nov. 18th.. Apparently, they say they do not do glass work, but they have a partner shop that does it.. So, I explained, I'm not sure if it is a windshield problem, but that I just noticed a seal has popped out from the inside, probably due to the face my car is always either in the or cold, and that the inside of my windshield would frost during the winter.. I guess they can see and decide if it is something the glass shop will have to deal with once they examine my car. I also mentioned that I haven't had any maintenance done on it for years, so, I asked them to do a thorough inspection and see if there are any other problems that needs to be fixed or seals that need to be changed.. Otherwise, they said if there are no other major problems aside from oil changes and getting the tires on, then, it should only take a couple of hours.
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk Shes in angel in heaven, a beatiful soul. Im so sorry to hear that, take your time to recover it can be tough some times <3
Thank you.. I want to take my time too because I feel so out-of-place.. it's difficult to get used to being non-functional.. Not being able to work, not having a good memory, not being able to think or concentrate.. I was so used to the go-go-go mode when working.. or even when I was at home, I'd be working on my own online business..
But ever since her passing.. I haven't been able to go to work, I haven't had the energy/concentration to work on my own business at home.. I can't think straight, have poor short-term memory.. And I just want to sleep all day.. Living an unproductive life for nearly the past 3 months.
@myloveee3
@Jaeteuk Oh! I'm sorry, you probably mentioned that your blood work had been scheduled before she passed. I have such a hard time remembering things lately. Grief could have added to it but yeah, that wouldn't have been what caused it in the first place. Is there anything else they can test for or look into? Could it be chronic fatigue? I'm not sure how they test for that
That makes sense with the tonics - I probably should have known that lol. Just like most things, supplements and herbs it takes time for them to start to work. I hope it helps. I know here the pollen count is unbelievably high and we haven't had any rain for the longest time. It's really dry. That usually affects me and gives me a stuffy nose and cough. I have a humidifier in the house that helps some.
It's nice you got to have lunch together and talk about some of the things you're going through, even if it wasn't a deeper conversation about returning to work. Times for those conversations usually just present themselves and can't be forced or even planned for. They just sort of happen
Are you feeling any better with your anger?
French toast should definitely be safe from pepper. At least I would hope so. I know that almond flour is pretty expensive here. Over 8 dollar a pound! Oh but now I'm in the mood for French toast! Some restaurants have the best coffee. I'm not sure if it's how they brew it out if it's the coffee beans themselves. Maybe a combination of the two.
That's great that they could fit you in so soon and that they have a partner that can do any work on the windshield. If anything it might need to just have a new seal. With it seal popping out from the inside, maybe it just a had a tiny hole and got a little water in it. With water in it with freezing and thawing it might have made it bigger? I have to admit I always get nervous when I tell the garage to give it a good look because they always seem to find something wrong and it costs a small fortune to fix it
My GP first referred me over to that Internal Medicine doctor because I was always extremely fatigued during that time of the month.. and knowing my iron levels are fine now, that doctor says it doesn't seem like it's chronic fatigue.. because then, I would feel the tiredness at all times.. But also, since the blood work was ordered before grandma's passing.. with the grief now, maybe like you've said, it's grief exhaustion.. probably not something that can be tested..
You know.. ever since COVID, our climate changed here too.. the rain no longer comes in September, but more mid-October to November.. When it's dry where you are, do you get fires?.. Places with many trees or forests?.. Where I'm at.. we always hear the news that because summers are so dry, there are a lot of forest fires in the Interior..
My counsellor did ask me about how I feel with the anger, with my colleagues.. I told her, it's not as intense.. but, also, not something I could forget.. because what is said had already done the damage and I was already hurt.. Near the end of our session this week, I mentioned to her.. I'm not sure if I'm actually still grieving for the loss anymore.. or if I'm just so used to this lifestyle with not going to work, not feeling much hunger, etc.. So, she suggested a write it out.. Like what I'm feeling towards the grief.. So, I'm going to do that over the weekend.. and maybe bring it to my counselling session and we can figure out which stage I'm on for the grieving.. It just feels like, I'm no longer consciously thinking about my grandma passing, but all the after effects that surfaced after her passing is still lingering around.. Like, the lack of concentration, having bad short-term memory, the lack of feeling hungry for food, that my mind still feels blank, and that I don't know what I'm feeling anymore.. It's like, ever since my brain had shut down, not allowing me to feel sad, I don't "feel" anymore.. now, even when I'm watching drama scenes that I'd usually get teary.. I don't.. Sometimes, I turn to those to allow me to let out my tears..
Coffee, I think it depends on how they are roasted and how it is brewed for sure.. My brother is looking into buying a coffee roasting/brewing business.. so, he studies a lot about how coffee is made..
I told the garage I haven't had it checked in years.. so, I asked them to look it over and see if there are any urgent fixes that is needed.. but last night, my brother told me, I shouldn't have said that.. because if they end up doing a big thorough check, it may become very costly.. That I should just told them to change the oils and get my snow tires on.. Maybe I'll mention to them when I drop my car off.. that of the years I've had this car, I've only been driving very short distances, as work is very close to home.. So, with that info.. maybe they'll know what needs to be checked..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk Supposedly it can be identified through physical and mental screenings and there's a questioner? It sounds a little hit and miss to me. You've done everything that you could though with the blood and urine samples and there's no real big red flags. All you can really do is give yourself time
I think now, I'm just numb to everything and become lazy and used to it. I can't imagine what it would be like if I returned to work.. no more naps.. Maybe you're right, now that I'm not having any contact with those colleagues, the intensity is not as great.. makes me wonder though, if they will continue to make those hurtful comments when I return.. That would just be another snowball effect on top of what they have said earlier..
I should journal too, but it's like, I don't feel like writing.. I've made some notes on my phone and kind of "journaled" here in Cups. So, if my counsellor asks me what I've written, I'll have to come here and see.. But I've told her most of what I've written here last week.
I spend a lot of my time either on my computer during the day or at night, watching dramas on my mini iPad and play games on my phone.. I also play a lot during the day on my phone too.. I've got some games that gives daily prizes.. so, I like to keep my streaks going.. lolz..
My brother is into coffee.. we have 2 coffee machines at home.. one for my brother and parents to use (the one where it grinds coffee on one side, and makes the espresso shots on the other side.. and my own Nespresso to use, where I buy my own Nespresso coffee.. He also buys different coffee beans.. but he's also very picky.. He has a past employee (someone who used to work on his team), who's husband who partners in the Coffee Shop.. so, there was this one time where he went for lunch with her, and she told him everything when it comes to running the place and how coffee is roasted and brewed.. She even gave him some tools to make his own drip coffee.. and single grinder used by hand, with a drip coffee pot with a box of filters.. Told him how to make our own cold brew coffee..
I think when I get to the garage, I'll just let them know of the years I've had my car, I've only driven short-distances.. so, have to check what wears out more with short-distances.. I've had my car for like almost 7 years now.. and only have less than 18,000km on it..
You know that talk with my mum, it'll need to happen before the New Year.. Talking about the New Year.. a few days ago, our parents told us to mark our calendars.. my Aunt has set a date for her birthday dinner in January.. So, always finds a date that is in between all our birthdays (my brother, mine, my uncle's and her's), all within 4 weeks of each other. Except this time, there's a chance my brother is on his business trip because she set earlier.. We'll see if he could make it or not.. I guess she had also made the reservations already too, and even the set dinner. At first, when my mum first said to mark our calendars, I thought it was for the Christmas gathering.. Years before, especially with COVID, we gathered at my Aunt's place, as they ordered takeout. Apparently my Aunt also told my mum that we don't need to buy her any gifts, just buy her some nuts.. previously, my parents just bought those bulk jars of nuts from Costco.. and also bought her some Korean red ginseng extract.. both were bought by my parents, but we just used to say, one gift is from them, and the other gift from my brother and I.. when both were bought by her.. lolz
Today is a holiday for us.. the are heading out for lunch soon.. I'm not joining because I don't like the restaurant they eat at.. the menu, I can never choose what to eat.. so, rather than struggling with choosing what to eat, I might as well not go at all.. and honestly, it's usually lunch that I don't need to eat anyways.. I just end up snacking for lunch..
So, my new shampoo came. At first, I was waiting for the package to arrive at my front door, as that's what that specific courier usually delivers to. So, on Saturday, when I saw that the packages has arrived on Friday and I did not see any package at the front door, I contacted them. I received immediate response and was told another courier delivered it to my mailbox. I went to check Saturday afternoon, and it was there. For one day, on Friday, my parents didn't check the mail, and it was in the mail. So, I tried it out yesterday. It's a bar soap, that's said is for ultra sensitive skin.. Let's just say, my face was still itchy, and a little red.. waking up today, I still feel a little itchy on my skin, I'm thinking, because the product is on my hair, and my hair brushes on my face, it still causes the itchiness. Yesterday when I used it, I purposely used it the normal way, I didn't intentionally avoid it being washed over my face, because the bar soap indicated it was a Shampoo and Body wash, so technically, it should be safe on my face as well.. Later today, I'll try washing my hair the other way, hovering over the bathtub, so, the water won't rinse over my face.. if after using the soap this way still irritates my face, then, it's the product that I'm allergic to.. I saw the ads for it on my phone continuously these days, and said that they have a 90-day return policy.. But I figured, even if I can't use it.. someone else in my family can (my dad, he often gets all our products, hair and facial, that we can't use as he's not allergic to anything). Yesterday, my face was getting so itchy I had to apply on some prescription lotion, I washed my face first, hoping to get rid of any residue that was causing the itch, then, I applied that lotion. As I noticed, I'll need to get a new one in March, as that's when it's expiring next year.
Anyways, family is out. You know, I woke up close to 11am today.. but that is because I was watching my dramas until nearly 4am.. So, I still got my 6hrs of sleep in.. When I got downstairs into the kitchen, my brother and mum had taken apart an old hairdryer.. It was one of our expensive ones that we stopped using because it smelled toasty when turned on the heat for too long.. so, they thought maybe it's hair that is stuck inside and burns whenever the heat is on.. They ended up removing some hair and dust, put it back together.. and it still caused that smell.. my brother said, he even some some sparks.. so, it's really garbage then.. We don't need mini explosions or fire using it. But you now, the current hairdryer we have, it has two levels. We can only use the first level, as the moment you chance it to the second level, that burning smell comes. So, drying hair, takes a bit longer.. as with the first level, the blowing power is low, so, it takes longer to dry long hairs (both my mum and my hair). Makes me wonder, do hair salons always end up buying new hairdryers?.. none of ours seem to last long, before that smell comes.. The current one was recommended by my mum's hairdresser.. a brand she uses with her clients.
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk For whatever reason I'm having trouble getting my reply to post - so I broke it into 2 parts lol
It's hard to say if they would say something else. If they were reprimanded for their comments they probably wouldn't say anything but they might give you the cold shoulder. That wouldn't make me feel too excited to return there tbh
@Jaeteuk Yesterday was veterans Day here. I don't think many people actually celebrate it but the banks and post offices are closed. I usually look through some things of my grandfather's. I have his dog tags and the flag that was draped over his c*ffin before he was bu ried.
Ah yes, yesterday was called Remembrance Day for Canada too.. Day off for my brother.. Yesterday, my mum told us that Grandma has now been placed beside Grandpa.. their names are now side-by-side on the tombstone.. Thinking about it now.. I'm getting teary (probably will talk about this in group support tonight and my counselling session tomorrow).. My Grandpa had fought in the WWI & WWII, I remember seeing black and white photos of him in my Grandma's home where he's in uniform, a very handsome man. I never met him though, he passed a year before I was born.. But now, to know they've reunited.. I'm getting mixed feelings about Grandma's passing.. My heart is feeling heavy again all of a sudden..
At night, I turn on an air filtering machine when I sleep.. it's loud.. but I'm so used to the noise, without it, I can't sleep.. It's works as a noise blocker.. you know, in case there are rain sounds hitting my window.. or people talking.. (when I take naps in the afternoon, I turn it up to level one).. at night, I turn it to level two.. there are three levels in total..
It's going to be heavy rain tonight and tomorrow.. so tomorrow's walks to counselling and Tonic appointment will be a wet one..
That friend with the dog messaged me this morning.. she's on vacation this week, and is just at home doing a major house cleaning.. We've set up lunch together tomorrow.. meeting her at the regular restaurant at noon.. Which is good.. meeting up, catching up, talking, eating, it will take up more of my time compared to eating alone.. Which is fine, because my appointment with the Tonic doctor isn't until 2:45pm.. rather than walking around in the mall by myself for a longer period of time.. I'll just spend more time with this friend over lunch instead..
Weather doesn't really affect me.. raining or not, I'm still a homebody..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I think there's going to be a lot of times when certain things will trigger certain memories that will make our hearts feel heavy. The fact that you never got a chance to know your grandfather is sad too. It does cause a lot of mixed feelings. They're together but yet they're separate from the the rest of the family. It's bittersweet
Lunch with my friend was good.. almost spent 2 hours chatting and eating.. It's good to hear her perspective and ideas as to how I can talk to my mum about my thoughts of eventually quitting my job and where I'm at with the grief.. I also talked to my friend about my grieving progress.. She lost her dad 4 years ago too.. her husband also lost his dad during COVID.. so, they both know and understand what I'm going through.. Especially the past summer, I spent a lot of days hanging out at her place.. and both of them have talked to me about their losses and showed concern/care for how I'm reacting with my loss.. At one point, they mentioned to me.. they're worried about my reaction of someone in my immediate family passes.. Because with Grandma, although we never lived together, and yet with her passing, it had impacted me so greatly and intensely.. they were worried how I'll be when my parents go..
It was definitely a good time to catch up.. I haven't seen her since end of August.
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I'm so glad you had such a nice visit together! And to be able to get her thoughts and perspective on things. It's always nice to be able to do that with someone that knows us and has a good understanding of the situation
My dad is in his 70s and mum is in her 60s.. they're 9 nears apart.. With my dad, the only problem he has is high blood pressure.. mum doesn't really have any major health problems.. so health-wise, both my parents are doing okay..
Yes, she's the one with the puppy! It sure has been a blur.. these few months was a lot of ups and downs.. I had felt my grief and the level of my sadness, had been on a roller coaster ride..
It's like, when I thought I was well on my way in moving forward with the grief.. the news of adding Grandma's name on the tombstone.. brought on more mixed emotions, that is why I had thought my feelings of sadness and regrets resurfaced.. although it seemed to be a temporary/momentarily reaction.. it just proves that the grief is still there.. almost like, it was swept under the carpet when my brain had that shutdown phase.. then, this acted as a trigger, and those emotions/feelings came back..
~~~~~~~~~~~
On another note.. a few weeks ago, I was just randomly telling my mum, it seems like it's been forever since we went on vacation as a family of 4.. at least, we haven't traveled outside of the country together.. I don't even remember when we had that kind of vacation.. maybe back in our childhood.. the only vacation we had as a family of 4, was when my brother first married.. the wife arranged a mini-getaway to an island for a week, as a Father's Day celebration.. (the island is like a Ferry ride away).. So, a couple of days ago, my mum suddenly said, let's plan for a family vacation to Japan.. At first, they were thinking in April, as that's the time the Sakura blossoms.. but, then, my brother found out that it's a special holiday in Japan, and many stores will be closed as people spend time with their family.. So, now.. they're thinking about November 2025.. I heard my mum say, they'll stop by HK afterwards.. and my brother and I can return home first.. I'm thinking about telling her, I'd like to go to HK too.. to visit Grandma.. to have that closure.. although that maybe more than a year from now.. I still think it would help.. I also heard my mum talk on the phone with my Aunt.. the one that lives in the States.. apparently she wants to go back around November too.. So, if my parents allow me to tag along.. maybe we could end up going on some land tours somewhere in China.. like we have in the past, back in 2008.. We'll see.. when they start talking about it again.. I'll mention how I'd like to join them in HK too.. and see what they say about it.. I only overheard my mum tell my brother that, living space is a problem.. so, we'll see..
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk They're still young in a lot of ways. :) Plus they're active. And I think being active and having friends makes a big difference.
I know I'm still in the early stages of grieving. Since the loss happened only 3 months ago. Over these three months, I've had times where triggers affected my emotions, resulting in bursts of sadness. Also knowing the fact that this will be my new norm for a period of time until I'm able to move on with the grief and feel less intense with the emotions that come with each trigger. With that being said, it's like a question mark as to when or if I will be able to ever return to my job at the Hospital. At first, I thought about keeping my position, by working the minimum hours/year required for me to stay as an employee.. but even so, I don't know if I'm ready to work in the New Year yet.. If I think of long-term, also knowing the fact that I will never get a full-time position there, there really isn't a reason for me to stay. Aside from liking the tasks I do, the purpose and satisfaction it has for me, and working with certain nurses and anesthesiologists.. there is nothing else that is making me want to stay any longer.
So, the thoughts of resigning in the new year has been lingering in my mind lately.. Although my mum didn't give any exact comment as to this thought of quitting when we talked the past Monday, I think I'm still leaning towards this idea.. I've started revising a resignation letter I had started a couple of years ago.. I still have until the end of this year before I make a decision.. I might just end up setting up a meeting with my Manager in January with my final decision..
I'm going to take a break from counselling in December, last week, was my 8th session.. And it looks like my counsellor will only be seeing me for 12 sessions.. So, after this week's, I'll take a 2-week break, and see her again on the third week of December.. Then, once she gives me her schedule in the New Year, I'll make the remaining appointments.. Her availabilities are changing, she's there Monday/Tuesday, and after 12pm. She also mentioned that I should take a 2 month break, because this service is free, she says I should take a break and let others who are on the waitlist see a counsellor too.. then, after the break, I could ask my GP to send in another request to see her if needed.
I'm just a little worried, with no Group Support and Counselling for a couple of months.. The next Group Support doesn't start until April, and we finish in a few weeks. I guess I'll be okay if I don't return to work.. that way, I don't have to deal with the stresses or inappropriate things colleagues may say to me.. I'm planning to get one of the contacts of a lady from Group Support, a few weeks ago, she mentioned she'd like to go out for coffee with me one day.. So when there's no Group, we could still arrange for a time to hang out..
So, when I woke up this morning, turns out both my parents had an appointment with my GP.. Dad needs an ultrasound for his thyroid, as the GP says there seems to be another lump (he had something removed a few months ago, there was like a sac with fluid that a Radiologist had to drain).. And my mum needs her annual blood work done.. So, I helped her book the appointment at the hospital and I booked mine around the same time too.. So, we could go together.. We both have the glucose to be tested, so we could both fast at the same time.. My dad tried to check the lab they often went to, but the earliest appointment available wasn't until Dec. 17th.. I booked ours for the 11th. And since I planned to take a break from counselling, it'll be okay to have the appointment then.
I'm planning to set up a meeting with my Manager in the New Year.. I'll probably contact her in January.. Hopefully by then, I'll have decided what I want to do with work..
A brief update:
As a family of 4, we are going on vacation to Japan, my mum and I will leave first, on the 8th, with a flight to Hong Kong first, then, fly to Japan to meet with my brother and dad on the 11th. We will all return to HK on the 20th to attend Uncle's mini funeral tribute (another sudden passing at the beginning of December, he passed from a sudden stroke, dad's brother), then, return to Japan either on the 24th or 25th, then, returning home on the 29th.. Both my Uncle and Aunt who lives here, will also be returning for the funeral, to send Uncle off.. an unexpected traveller, is my cousin who will also be returning with my Aunt.. Unexpected, because she's not on good terms with her mum.. At first, we were all thinking, that even my Aunt wouldn't return (she's the eldest sibling on my dad's side), because she's almost 80, and had complained before about flying on long flights.. But apparently, they have a place to stay in HK, so, maybe that's why cousin decides to return as well.. or maybe this cousin is closer to Uncle's kids or might've stayed in touch with those cousins. Anyways, that was a shocker.
So, now we're making the final flight/hotel changes.. My parents went out for lunch with my Uncle and Aunt today (my mum messaged me telling Aunt and cousin are also returning), now my parents are with my Uncle at the travel agency, trying to figure out our middle trip to HK and calling my brother trying to figure things out, see if he can cancel the hotel stays he's already booked or not.. The agency is helping us book both the flights and hotel stays.. for the second half of our trip.. Which is probably a lot easier than having us figuring it out ourselves.. more time consuming and stressful.
So, I'll probably not be able to check-in much during my time away, as my phone has no data and can only be used when there's Wi-Fi. Which is mostly in hotels and at airports..
So, in case I can't drop a post before my departure, have a good Christmas and we'll talk again at the end of the month!~
@Jaeteuk I'm sorry to hear about your uncle. I hope you have a good trip and that visiting your grandparents graves can give you some closure with the loss of your grandmother. Take good care and have a safe trip. Merry Christmas (early) just in case you get a chance to check in here
Thank you, Soul.
Merry early Christmas to you too!~
@Jaeteuk Thank you!