I had to block my soulmate and best friend because our love is "forbidden." I’m breaking.
I don’t know how to start this. I’m 17, and I just lost the only person who truly saw me. She wasn’t just my person ; she was my best friend, my safe haven from depression, and my entire world.Because of where I live, my religion, and the society around me, our love is seen as 'Haram' or even 'monstrous.' I felt so much pressure and guilt that I had to make the hardest decision of my life: I blocked her. I didn’t do it because I stopped loving her I did it to protect her and to try to follow what I was taught is right.Now, I’m drowning in burnout. I have notes of gift ideas I’ll never buy, and memories of a future we’ll never have. I’m terrified that she’s hurting or that she’ll forget me. I told myself I’ll never marry anyone else, and I’ll keep her memory as a sacred secret in my 'Blue Notebook.'Has anyone else had to choose between their heart and their faith? How do you keep breathing when you’ve lost your best friend and you have to pretend to the world that nothing happened? And I have one last letter I will write but I can’t be able to send to my soul :
I am so sorry. I’m sorry that the world is too small for us. I’m sorry that I had to click 'block' when every cell in my body wanted to reach out and hold you. Please understand that I didn't leave because I wanted to; I left because I didn't know how to stay without destroying us both in the eyes of everyone we know.You were my best friend before anything else. You saved me when I was at my lowest. Now, the silence is deafening. I still have the list of gifts I wanted to give you. I’ll probably buy them one day and keep them as a shrine to the only person I ever truly loved.I hope you’re safe. I hope you’re breathing. And I hope that in another life, or in another place where 'forbidden' doesn't exist, we can finally walk down the street together without fear.I love you and I always will love u until I die and I won’t replace u …:I need you to know this, even if I never say it to your face: I love you, and I will never replace you. I know you’re sitting there right now, angry and confused. I know you probably think I’ve turned cold, or that I never really cared. But the truth is the exact opposite. I care so much that it’s destroying me.I ended it because I wanted you to be free. I chose to be the 'villain' in your story so that I could protect you from something far worse from a world that wouldn't understand us, from the guilt that was eating me alive, and from a future that would have broken us eventually.I’m letting you go because I love you more than I love having you. Please, one day, forgive me for choosing your safety over our happiness.
@yorsunshine17 smth same happening w me I need help, im gonna lose myself.
Reading your words felt like someone finally understood the weight I’ve been carrying, even if our stories aren’t exactly the same. You didn’t just respond you saw me, and I don’t think you realize how rare that is for me right now.
What you said about choosing between faith and identity… that’s exactly where I feel trapped. It’s not just a choice, it feels like I’m being torn in two directions, and no matter what I do, I lose something I deeply love. I didn’t walk away because I stopped caring I walked away because I felt like I had no other way to survive everything around me. And even now, I question it every single day.
You calling it brave… I don’t know if it feels like bravery from where I stand. It feels more like fear, like I chose the path that hurts less in the eyes of everyone else but hurts the most inside me. But hearing you say that makes me look at it a little differently, like maybe I wasn’t just being weak.
What you said about there being nothing wrong with love… I want to believe that so badly. A part of me does. But the other part has been shaped by everything I’ve been taught, everything around me, and it’s hard to silence that voice. Still, your words gave me a moment of peace, like maybe one day I can fully believe it without hesitation.
And about her… that part broke me the most. Because you’re right. I tried to protect her, but I might have just hurt her in a different way. Disappearing probably left her with questions, with pain I didn’t have the courage to face with her. I was scared that if I spoke, I wouldn’t be able to let go… and maybe I still wouldn’t. But now I keep thinking about whether she deserves to know what was in my heart, even if it changes nothing.
I want you to know that your words didn’t just comfort me they stayed with me. That “glimmer of hope” you talked about… I’m holding onto it, even if it’s faint right now. Because part of me still wants to believe that I won’t feel like this forever, that one day I’ll find a way to exist without constantly fighting myself.
Thank you for reminding me that the light in me still exists, even if I can’t always see it. I’m trying not to let it fade, even on the days where everything feels heavy.
I truly wish you peace too, because I can tell your words come from a place of experience, not just sympathy. And that means more than I can explain. Even she is not here her memories will be carried with me forever and il cherish every moment we had together I won’t stop writing about her il let the pen dry of how much words staying in my heart and I won’t forget her not in my notebook and my arts and symbols I see her in everything. They told me time would erase her, that she is young and I am young, and that life would move on. But they do not understand that she has become the very fabric of my world. Every sunset that bleeds over the ocean in my city is a reflection of the love we shared beautiful, painful, and eternal. Every stray cat that crosses my path reminds me of her tenderness. The stars at night are her eyes watching over me from across the distance. She is not a memory; she is the horizon always there, even if I cannot touch it. I have chosen a silence that protects her and a loyalty that defies time. She will never be forgotten, for as long as the tide meets the shore, she lives within me I won’t forget her and never will… and thank u for noticing hope u all the best too.,