I've just watched my mum die

I have been I though I have been supporting my mum my whole life I am in my 40s and have not left home as she didn't want me to leave but the truth is now that she has gone I realise I was leaning or her just as much as she was me

As she got older she wanted be to be away from her less and less and wanted to go with me everywhere and I used to get very annoyed and used to argue and she used to day she's not going to be around much longer I thought she was just saying that even asked her was there really anything wrong and she said she's fine

But now after she has passed away I found out that she knew about her cancer and not told anyone till she couldn't hide it any longer and by that time it was to late to do anything to save her and didn't leave any time to make her remaining time special

knowing this now makes more sense and I feel so guilty as if I had know I would given up anything

She was my whole world and for the first time in my life I have the freedom to do anything but all I want to do is go back to how it was I don't know how I am going to cope