Just gone through a medical abortion and feeling the need to share.
I initially wrote a very long post as I had the need to spit it all out, unfortunately I am unable to post it as I keep getting a message I might be in crisis - despite trying not to include any trigger words and rewriting it, which is really frustrating as I really do feel the need to share the full story.
I have recently gone through a medical abortion and grieving my unborn baby. The pregnancy was unplanned, but the baby wasn't unwanted by myself nor my partner, it is just that our current situation wouldn't have been ideal. I am feeling guilty as there are people in a way worse position than us, but for me a healthy family unit is important and it was too much of a risk to take. I feel like I have lost a part of myself and all I want is to hold my baby's hand, hold it in my arms. The whole experience has made me somehow baby-brained, at least for the moment, I understand hormones are still playing a huge role here but actually when I was pregnant I felt depressed and negative about both keeping it and aborting it, scared that we wouldn't have managed, but right now that I am not pregnant and feel physically better and not so clouded by pregnancy hormones, I wonder how much being unwell from pregnancy affected my final decision. The fatigue I felt while pregnant was unbearable and all I could do was sleep. I think I need to write a letter to my future pregnant self, when I eventually have a planned baby, because I felt I couldn't manage work or anything else, and that I wouldn't ever be able to take care of a newborn feeling that way. I wonder if being pregnant made me depressed and that is why I eventually terminated and it makes me wonder how many women actually terminate for that reason and then regret it?
@unassumingPlane9195
Thank you for being so open and honest. I can feel how deeply you’re hurting, and I just want to say this first your grief is real, your experience matters, and your feelings are valid. You’re not alone, even if it feels like it right now. What you went through was not just a medical procedure it was a profound and complex emotional experience. It's okay to mourn, to question, to revisit your decisions, and to feel the full weight of it all. You made a choice not out of carelessness, but from a place of deep thought, responsibility, and love. That doesn’t make the loss any less painful but it does speak volumes about how much you cared. You’re carrying so many emotions grief, guilt, love, uncertainty and it’s okay to hold all of them at once. It's also okay to feel confused or regretful or to wonder "what if." That doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision; it means you're human. The fact that you're questioning, remembering, and feeling deeply shows how much you value life and motherhood. Writing a letter to your future self is a beautiful and wise idea. It honors both your pain and your hope. One day, when the time is right, you’ll read that letter and see how strong and compassionate you were even in the hardest moment and no, you’re not weak for struggling during pregnancy. You were navigating something physically and emotionally overwhelming. Hormones can cloud everything, especially when mixed with exhaustion, fear, and uncertainty. So many women experience depression during pregnancy more than most people talk about. And some, like you, make painful decisions they carry in their hearts forever. Please don’t compare your pain to someone else’s. The fact that others may be in different or "worse" situations doesn’t erase your hurt. Your loss is your own, and it’s worthy of compassion, space, and healing. You are not broken. You are not heartless. You are grieving, you are loving, and you are doing your best to understand something impossibly complex. You’re allowed to take all the time you need. And you’re allowed to find healing in whatever way feels right for you.
Sending you warmth, gentleness, and so much love. 💛
@16peacefulBraveheart01
Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it. At the moment it all feels surreal just like when I first found out I was pregnant, how quickly things happen and change. I am still recovering physically and the abortion process was traumatic in terms of how much pain I went through, the most I've felt in my life that had me vomiting while emptying my guts out at the same time and begging for it to stop.
The recovery is also going to be stressful as I hope everything went well without any complications and there is no remaining tissue that could cause an infection and make it harder to conceive in the future... The waiting for things to go back to 'normal', at least physically will be hard. 😞
@unassumingPlane9195
Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal. I'm really sorry you're going through this right now. What you've experienced physically, emotionally, mentally is incredibly intense, and there’s no right or wrong way to feel about it. You’ve been through something traumatic, and it’s okay to feel scared, exhausted, heartbroken, or just…numb. The pain you described sounds truly overwhelming, and I can only imagine how helpless it must have felt in those moments. That kind of pain both the physical and the emotional weight takes time to heal. Please try to be gentle with yourself. Your body is recovering, yes, but so is your heart. And both deserve compassion. You’re not alone in this, even though it might feel that way sometimes. There are so many people maybe even some closer than you think who would want to support you without judgment, just with care and you deserve that. You deserve rest. You deserve peace. You deserve to feel safe again in your own body. I hope with all my heart that your recovery is smooth and free from complications. But no matter how long it takes, try to remember you are still you. Still whole. Still worthy of love, gentleness, and healing. One breath at a time, one step at a time you don’t have to rush anything You are incredibly strong for making it through this. And it’s okay if you don’t feel strong right now. Just surviving this moment is enough. 🤍
@16peacefulBraveheart01
Again, thank you so much for your kind words 🖤
@unassumingPlane9195
Thank you so much for sharing what you’re going through. I can hear how deeply you’re hurting, and I want you to know you’re not alone in feeling this way.
You made an incredibly difficult decision, and it’s completely normal to feel a mix of emotions. From guilt and grief to confusion and questioning your choice. The fact that you’re reflecting on your experience so thoughtfully shows how much you care and how deeply you love your baby.
You’re absolutely right that hormones can have a powerful impact on your thoughts and feelings, both during and after pregnancy. Feeling exhausted or depressed while pregnant can be overwhelming. Please know that you made the best decision you could with the information and feelings you had at the time, and it doesn’t mean you didn’t or don’t love your baby. Sometimes, life forces us to make choices we wish we didn’t have to, and we do the best we can with what we know in that moment. That doesn’t make us bad people.
You asked if other women feel the way you do. Yes, many experience regret or doubt after an abortion, especially as hormones settle and the intensity of pregnancy fades.
It’s okay to wonder, it’s okay to grieve, and it’s even okay to feel some sense of relief. What you’ve been through was and is very difficult. Choosing what you did doesn’t mean you didn’t love your baby. It means you were trying to do what you believed was best at that time. We can regret decisions, but they also shape us into who we become. And now, you can move forward and prepare to give your future child the best life possible.
Please, if you feel like you cannot handle this alone, don’t hesitate to seek help or reach out for company. You don’t have to face these feelings and thoughts by yourself❤️
@Yulianaxxp
Thank you for your response, it means a lot to me.
I think I am currently still in shock and thinking 'What have I done' but knowing I can't undo it hurts.
I felt relief after making the decision that I don't have to feel the weight of time pressure anymore, it's done, but now all I feel is regret and emptiness.
