Living with a broken heart

I've had breakups with guys before and always thought my heart was broken. But I was way wrong. My mother has survived past the critical zone and is doing better. But the grief and seeing her in the pain she's in is unbearable. If things go smoothly, she can come home is 3 months. Yesterday morning there was and emergency surgery due to infection that had us really scared. Mine and my mom's hearts are connected. It's like I also absorb the pain. She's finally physically recognizable again, but yesterday before surgery I saw her without the full body bandages and just cried. I need her to order to physically and mentally function. I've lost 6 lbs in 5 days. I didn't even know that was possible, but the doctor said it is. The day after the incident and I was out of the ER and got up to her hospital to see her she had some fingers exposed. I had gloves on and put my hand towards hers and when our fingers touched my soul became alert again since it made contact with her. And he took her thumb and rubbed my fingers, and nothing could have felt more alive. We made a promise to live for each other. Even did a pinky promise. She mentioned it while she was scared before her emergency surgery yesterday morning. She's in the top burn unit in the Midwest and her surgeon is in the top 5 of the US. He is very confident that he can fix this. He said he has had worse patients. She's pretty bad but it made us feel better he has helped much worse. He said if he had doubts, he would have said so from the beginning. He's very kind and he is very straightforward. He is surprised at how well she is. It's hard for us to see but he's the expert. He said if he can do 2 skin surgeries a week it could be a little under 3 months. She's 5'1" and 105lbs. And he said as tiny as she is she's stronger that most patients. But he told her there would be hard times. My hands are burned from helping. But she won't break the promise we made to each other. I spend a lot of time at the hospital even if she's just sleeping. My granddad is on the same unit from the same incident but he's being released this week but has to go to rehab for a bit. I have always been a person who enjoys his own company. But I could always leave my bedroom and there been someone around for me to chat their ear off on any topic. Ironically Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross before this happened. The house is so quiet. It's not used to more than 5 hours of quiet. Now it's like being in an indoors mausoleum. An old 220-year-old Victorian with 12 ft ceilings that just echoes. Mom would usually be up getting ready for work right now. Talking to myself isn't even doing any good. I don't drive right now so it's like an exile island. My psychiatrist is adjusting my meds to make me "handle it better". Thankfully the backflashes of that morning aren't as bad. I'm just lost without my mom. I know it sounds silly, but I never learned at do laundry.  Until she's home there's no remedy. I told my psychiatrist. I think his plan is to make me zombie like to not notice anything or to just sleep. Nothing can or will happen to her. Because if something did, I would be dragged below the surface with her from grief. So, I'm giving her all my strength and energy to use, and I've left a good part of my soul with her for comfort and to feel safe. I'm not furious with God like I was but I'm still pouting to him. Which falling into His embrace at the same time. The whole thing just makes no sense. If any of you believe in prayer, or whatever you believe in please send some my mom's way. I would be eternally grateful. Plus, mom was the only person I had who at least pretended to listen to my random impromptu lectures. And I have a couple lined up but don't have the energy to do it in this air. And right now, in the hospital really might not be the best time. I just have absolutely no idea how to cope with this pain. It has destroyed me mind, body and soul. If I keep losing weights, etc they will put me away.