My Dad’s Death Certificate

I got my dad’s death certificate today… It looks like, if he was conscious, he may have died a horribly painful death.

It says his cause of death was severe sepsis, leg cellulitis, and a urinary tract infection with bacteremia. I didn’t know what those things were, so I looked them up… It looks like at least a couple of them are essentially the body attacking itself.

It’s all a result of his poor choices in life… Many, many different choices, in different aspects of his life. And I see myself making a lot of those same choices… I don’t want to become my father.

After I got the death certificate and read it… It made me incredibly depressed today. Thinking of how badly my dad may have suffered (he may have been comatose at the end, but I’m not sure)…

This on top of the incredible loneliness and feeling of being unloved and unwanted… It’s really hard. I wonder if my heart will ever be free…