My dreams are harming my grieving.
My grandmother passed away 2020. She was the first to accept I was transgender and was a better parent than my own parents.
I miss her. So so much.
But my dreams have been very cruel.
Warping her face. Not hearing her voice (but when I do it's warped and wrong.)
I can hardly remember what she sounds like and it is tearing me apart.
My dreams are getting worse. The depression is getting worse because of it.
I have a hard time grieving as is from being taught to shut down by my parents, shutting down my emotions my whole life. That emotions were wrong.
And now that I am trying to. This is happening.
I don't know what to do.
@CryptidCircus so sorry for your loss<3
Sleep is one of the things that get affected badly by grief. Some nice dreams can be healing while some can feel like a muffled scream. Most times such bad dreams are a way for our subconscious mind to express whatever we deeply feel inside, be it the fear of forgetting the lost loved one or not being able to reach them.
Not remembering their face or voice does not mean they were not important to you, it does not mean that you are forgetting them. Our mind knows when the trauma is too much to handle and it tries to shut some memories out as a way to protect us. I hope you don't be too hard on yourself<3
Some thing that has helped me with such bad dreams is to keep my thoughts about the loss, the blame and guilt I feel in check. It's okay to feel the emotions but it's also important to not put the weight of it all on yourself.
Allow yourself to be, no right or wrong when it comes to grieving<3 Healing can sometimes be a slow process where things can look all good from above but the inner self still needs a lot more time and love.
You're not alone in this journey<3
@cryptidcircus I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it's important to alow yourself to feel what you are feeling inside. I've found seeing a therapist helpful for giving me the space to process and grieve. Especially when other relationships, with as parents in your case, don't make space for such things. We are emotional beings. And part of the reason we feel so much pain, is because we are capable of so much love. Others putting pressure on us to not feel what we are feeling is not healthy and not responsible on their part. Dreams can be extremely difficult, especially when we are already going through a really tough time. Maybe reminding yourself of some of the positive, fun, enjoyable memories yoi shared with her may help you remember what she looks and sounds like. I think grief can have an effect on our thoughts and this can sometimes effect our dreams too. But reminding yourself of the reality that you know I think is a positive step. And I do think creating space to see a counsellor or therapist could be a healthy and helpful outlet for you. I lost a grandparent recently too. Peace to you 😊