My nan ♥️

My grandmother is 90 and she has cancer. She has had such a good life and she is at peace. I do still wish we had a few more years, but i guess i would yearn those years as much as if it wasn't the situation is was. She has little time left. She lives in another country because that is where my family are from. Every since we were born we came every year spent christmas here and some summers we came. I have the bestest of memories. I lost my grandad 7 o so years back also to cancer. I know they are old. The cancer is still annoying because maybe he woukd be here a bit longer. Maybe my grandma could stay a bit longer. I know I want just a bit longer because its coming to and end. Anyway my grandparents really kept christmas alive and we all used to go their flat. When my granddad passed away we still did that. But now that my grandmother will pass away her flat will be sold, all the christmas traditions we had were because of her and she wanted to carry on doing it. Its true we're getting older so maybe dancing and singing around the christmas tree and buying presents and putting the under the christmas tree and decorating a tree and a christmas game we played... were more when we were younger.

Today we said goodbye to her at the hospice because we're flying back tomorrow. We have been visiting her there these days, it was hard to see her the way she was but I still kept my spirits alive, i was just happy to be with her, throughout I've been not really processing not on purpose a bit scared to. I have cried but not much. Anyway I kept looking at her today and other days with so much love. And she smiled when i went to give her a hug and it felt so innocent and sweet. And when I was saying buy her she said have a nice few days. ( we cant communicate too much because of language barriers) i thought she was going to say have a nice life that's how I took it, she softened it by what she said idk if on purpose or language barrier. That made me fill with cry. I think maybe im used to her saying have a nice day have a nice trip i guess that felt really deep, but its was the perfect thing she could say. She started to cry as well. Were so used to saying goodbye because we live far away but this time it was for good. I still think im going to see her soon somehow, i think i survive on these kind of thoughts in general in life. I realistically won't I know I won't but at heart shes not really going. I guess i mean in memory she will be here. Its just really sad. Its as positive as this situation can get, so a lot of my tears or thoughts have been thinking about all those years we have spent together, all the good memories and how lucky we have been and are happy-sad tears. My first tears with her felt so dense like heavy, my second tears from today felt im.not sure, i like to analyse all small details, i would also like to know what she was thinking when she also cried because uo to that point even with other crying she hadn't. I guess just having to say bye to us. We will still talk a bit more over videocalls.

It's so weird, this situation has me Deeping life in general. Also how much life i still have and how I want to live it. I still need to process this all.

The flat feels like it's replaying all the memories. It doesn't feel empty to me even if shes not here, maybe because she is still alive. But I also have to say bye to the flat. It feels like im reliving memories or imagining moments of when we were younger. And imagining theyre all here now. Its has been the best.

I feel scared that we will separate or that we won't meet up much from now on.

It does feel like we're saying bye a bit to our childhood.

I feel like i have this dark cloud above me that only i could see but she could too, i always thiught that, from thibgs they transalated to me or how it felt. I was crying more like sobbing i couldnt stop a few years back on my own in the balcony and she cane to me and i always felt a connection since then. And i think when she said that today i thought how can i wothought, as simole as that or i thought i will try, or maybe i deserve to have a nice life idk i cant pinpoint it. I have been thinking thes days ive been here how hard it am on myself and re-read the past with less anger and in general feel less shame of who i am. And maybe she felt my tears were more than about her going.

Im getting a bit of a headache. And I have a flight tomorrow. If u got up to here wow hahah that would be nice. Im glad for this space to unwind.

Is this was grief does? Does it also make u think about ur life and other aspects? I feel I am lost in thoughts and nostalgia. Is it a sad happy feeling for others? Im not happy that she's going of course. Im happy that shes in peace that i get to think about all those happy moments. I love her and i loved my grandfather.

♥️