Need to start a new chapter in life
After the tragic loss of my grandma last July (with a second sudden death of my uncle in December), my brain had stopped working. For the first 2 months, it had shutdown due to emotional shock. In the past six months, I feel my brain has lost it's connections (neuroplasticity), and it's taking longer than I thought to rev it back up to normal function.
I've recently returned to work, but on a gradual return program, as I feel my brain is still lacking connections.. I've been more forgetful than before, as in, not remembering the names of the people I've been working with for the past 5 years.. and when people ask me simple questions, my mind draws a blank and is unable to process what is being asked, nor could I search my memory for the answer.
It's been a month since I started this gradual return program, and I now feel that my brain may never be the same again. I might need to reteach it ways to reconnect information, hopefully seeing my counsellor in April again will help. I have been working as a Casual status at the hospital for the past 7 years, and with this sudden trauma to my brain with the emotional shock and grief; I believe that maybe I should start the next chapter in my life.
The first step, is to finish this gradual return program on April 11th, and I've already contacted another hospital to ask about applying for a regular part-time position. I'm unable to do it myself, as I'm not in the same Health Authority, so there's another way to apply as an external posting for staff not in the same Health Authority. I've emailed them last Friday, and is yet to hear back from them. If accepted, it will be a new chapter of life.
My current workplace is giving me pressure during this gradual return program, and how I recently learned that a staff will be trained for my current shift work, knowing that there will be a chance we may work together, just gives me a lot of stress.. as this person does not like me at all. I know how people say that we need to act professionally or that we shouldn't take things to heart, no matter what I do, it's difficult to ignore their attitude towards me in comparison to the rest of the team. It's not something that if you ignore, it's not there, or that the tension is not visible to others. And I'm not applying to another job at another hospital because of this person, so it's not like I'm running away.
I just feel with the trauma I experienced with the losses, and the impact it has on my brain.. I need to start a new routine in my daily life, and it's best to start with finding a more permanent position.. then hope everything else will fall into place gradually.
If I'm accepted, the only thing I'll struggle with is the drive. As I'll end up needing to drive to and from work (will be stressful, as I don't like driving long distances and in the dark/nighttime), but hopefully with new workplace, meeting new people, will help with rewiring my brain. I've been doing exercises to help myself, doing jigsaw puzzles and picking up with playing my piano, twice a week (can only play when my brother has gone into the office for work).
@Jaeteuk I'm really sorry to hear about the losses you've experienced and the toll it's taken on you. Grief can be overwhelming, and it's understandable that it would affect your cognitive abilities, especially when your brain is processing such deep emotional shock. The gradual return program you're doing sounds like a thoughtful step toward recovery, but I can see how frustrating it must be to feel like your brain isn’t functioning the way it used to. It’s brave that you’ve recognized that change might be necessary, and starting a new chapter could give you the space you need to heal and rebuild.
Thank you, @HealingEcho
I am a bit worried with how long it's taking for my brain to function properly again.. or that it may never be the same anymore. I'm hoping the counselling sessions I'll be starting in April, will help me with that too. I just hope my counsellor has morning sessions available, as I'll need to leave her office by 11am to work a 12pm shift.
A new position at a different hospital sounds like the best for me now.. I can't wait to hear back from them to give me instructions to apply for the position. On this gradual return to work program now, my colleagues have a way to make it sound like they're blaming me for the lesser hours I'm working. Like today, when one of them was on their way out (end of shift), she came to me asking what time I start on Monday, when I said at 4pm, she was like, "We're going to be very busy on Monday". Which makes it sound like she's not happy with me starting late, and implying that I need to start earlier. But there I was thinking, "I'm on a gradual return to work right now, and my schedule is set to doing a four hour shift on Monday. A busy day in the morning on Monday, has nothing to do with me. You need to work it out amongst yourselves." That colleague always has a way to make me feel guilty or complain about things and make me feel that it's my fault. I'm also thinking, "You should just be glad I've returned to work, and haven't continued with taking more time off for grieving." Why can't they just be grateful I've returned, even on a gradual return, where I work either 4 or 6 hour shifts. And Monday just seems a lot more busy because the Spring Break would be over, but it wasn't like there was less work the past two weeks either. So, I don't know what she's fussing about.