Sharing My Group Support Sessions for Grief

Session #8: Grief & Your Household

Facing the Empty Chair at the Table

The trash is piling up. The weeds are overgrown. Your budget isn't working, and it feels like the once well-oiled family machine is now rusted and broken. The dynamics in your home are now different and the roles may have changed.

1. How to Grieve Secondary Losses: You've lost more than your loved one's companionship--maybe you've lost your encourager, the one you confided in, the person looked up to you. You've also lost the contributions he or she made in your daily life. These are called secondary losses. For instance, maybe you've lost the person who mowed the lawn, managed your finances, or walked the dog.

Identifying and grieving secondary losses is an important part of healing. Here's a way you can do that.

List what you've lost in that person's absence. For example:

• My cook, mechanic, bill-payer
• The bedtime story reader, carpool driver
• The one who makes me laugh, my cuddler
• My traveling partner, event partner, retirement buddy

Say your losses out loud and how each loss affects you.

2. Strength for the Changes

Losing a family member can cause a shift in roles and responsibilities. You may have to take on and learn new tasks that feel overwhelming or impossible. Or maybe you no longer have certain responsibilities. 

Healing Through Writing

Processing your grief: Everyone grieves in his or her own way. And that's okay. These prompts can help you process your emotions, thoughts, and experiences.

• What worries you about going through your loved one's belongings?
• How are you and your family members experiencing grief (and comfort) differently? How can you talk about these differences and be patient with one another?
• Where are some favourite places you and your loved one like to go (e.g., restaurants, parks, trips)? If you've been able to return, describe the experience.

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Caring for Grieving Children

If you're struggling to keep your own life together, the thought of caring for your children can feel overwhelming. Maybe you're worried that you're too distracted by your grief and circumstances to be fully there for them. No matter what you're feeling, the good news is that there are practical things you can do to care for you children while you're all grieving.

• Be Real: Your kids are watching you for direction on how to handle their own grief. If you hold your emotions in, your kids will think that's what they should do too. Instead, show them that it's okay to cry, be sad, and talk about your loved one. 
• Understand that Children Grieve Intermittently: Children will experience strong emotions, then take a break. They might be upset one moment, and the next thing you know, they're playing, laughing, and having fun. Recognize that your children are grieving, and be there to help, but also allow your kids to be kids.
• Understand They May Not Grieve The Same Way You Do: Just because your children do not express grief as much or in the same way as you does not mean they're aren't grieving deeply. Provide opportunities for them to express themselves, and acknowledge their feelings.
• Give Truthful, Age-appropriate Responses to Their Questions: "You need to give as much information as the children can handle according to their age level, and you've got to be honest," says grief therapist H. Norman Wright. What this looks like for each child will take time to figure out. Be patient with your kids-and yourself.
• Be on the Lookout for Abnormal Behaviour: It's normal for grades to suffer, eating habits to change, and a child to be sad. But if your child begins behaving erratically-particularly in a way that's counter to his or her personality-consider seeking the counsel of someone experienced in helping grieving children. If your child talks about harming themselves, immediately seek a professional's help.
• Get Help: Your child is your responsibility, but it's helpful to ask a relative or friend to spend time with your child and help the child deal with his or her grief. This will give your child someone else to talk to about his or her feelings.
• Clarify Family Roles: If a member of the household passed, make sure everyone understands what roles each person should take on. For example, who will not do the dishes, take out the trash, and walk the dog? Clarifying family roles will help avoid confusing and lead to stability and routine.

Session #9: Grief & Your Friendships

Does Anyone Understand?

"At least they're not suffering anymore." "They're in a better place." "Time heals all wounds." Even the most well-meaning friends and family members can say things that make you feel hurt and angry. You might be tempted to avoid interacting with people because they don't understand what you're going through. But relationships are crucial to healing.

1. The Power of Community: Grief can make you feel like you're alone on an island--like an ocean of misunderstanding exists between you and other people. When people don't understand what you're going through--when they let you down or act uncomfortable with your grief--you might be tempted to self-isolate to avoid dealing with it. But counsellor David Bueno Martin encourages you to be patient with other people and continue to seek them out: "Healing happens in the context of finding others who can help you. I don't know of people truly healing from grief on their own. Healing happens in community."

Questions to ask yourself:

• How might you benefit from spending time with supportive, caring people?
• Who are those people in your life? (And if you can't think of anyone, who could you reach out to?)
• Ever since Dan's loved one died, he's stopped seeing family or friends because they just don't understand. How might this isolation affect his grief?

Remember: Shutting yourself off from other people will prolong the intensity of your pain. "When grief is overwhelming, the most natural tendency is to hide. But once you're willing to look bad in the presence of love, in the presence of somebody who doesn't back away, that's going to make a big difference in your life." - Dr. Larry Crabb

2. I can't believe they just said that: The fact is, many people who try to comfort you have no idea what you're going through. You'll need patience and strength to avoid placing unrealistic expectations on them, and to respond with love when they say or do the wrong thing.

Ask yourself:

• Think of the last time someone said something hurtful to you. How did you respond?
• What happened as a result of our response?
• Jenn's friend Rita told her she should be over her sister's death by now. What could Jenn say that shows patience and grace?

Remember: None of us gets things right every time, so it's important to show grace to others when they fail.

3. Signs You're Expecting Too Much: Expecting other people to know what you want or need--or to know what to say--without any direction from you can harm your relationships. This exercise can help you find areas where you may need to reevaluate or change how you're responding to people. Check any statements that have been true for you.

I expect my friends and family members to:

• Know what to say without any guidance from me
• Know what I need without having to tell them
• Place me as the center of attention when I want them to
• Automatically understand the way I grieve
• Faithfully meet my deepest emotional needs
• Remain silent if I engage in harmful behaviours to numb my pain

Look at the points you've checked. How have your expectations affected your relationships and your recovery?

4. Communicate With Your Comforters: Show your care for others by making it easier for them to care for you..

• Let them know what kinds of things are (and are not) helpful to say
• Give them a list of your specific needs
• Give them a grief letter
• If they offend you in any way, have mercy on them and forgive them.

Writing Prompts-making relationships positive: When relationships feel challenging or confusing, use your journal to think through what steps you can take to make them more positive. 

• What do you find helpful from other people as it relates to your grief journey? If you let people know what's helpful (and what's not), how would that affect the relationship?
• What concerns do you have about going back to work? What could your friends are family do to help ease this transition?

Session #10: Stuck in Grief

When it Feels Impossible to Move Forward:

When a car gets stuck in mud, all forward motion stops. No matter how hard you push the gas pedal, the spinning tires can't gain traction against the slippery, pervasive mud. Grief is similar. It can be persistent, and when you get stuck in grief, it can feel impossible to move forward. Getting unstuck requires purposeful effort in the right direction.

How to Work Through Your Misconceptions:

Imagine having a map that was drawn incorrectly. You'd get lost and never find your way forward. The same thing happens when we listen to bad advice and believe the wrong things. Here are five wrong beliefs, "myths about grief, that have caused people to become stuck in grief. Choose one or two wrong beliefs from this list. If a grieving person were to state that belief to you, what would you say to explain why it's untrue?

1. Time heals all wounds..
2. Moving forward is disloyal to my loved one..
3. Progress means taking steps forward, but never steps back..
4. The lessening of pain indicates a lessening of love..

What's On Your Mind?:

Being stuck in grief is connected to the way you think. In fact, there's a strong connection between what you think and feel--and then do. Change happens when you renew the way you think. You can change your thought patterns by making a habit of evaluating your thoughts with the truth found.

How to Recognize and Correct Wrong Thinking:

What's an important part of battle? A strong defence system. When negative thoughts are bombarding your mind, it's best to defend yourself against wrong thought patterns. 

Characteristics of Negative Self-talk:

• It's not true (or entirely true)
• It does not build you up or help you grow
• It exaggerates the impact and extent of legitimate problems

Writing Prompts:

• What myths, or untruths, about grief have you heard or been taught? What are the dangers of believing them?
• What negative thoughts have you been having lately? What have you been doing to defend yourself against them?
• Think about a sympathy card or encouraging note (print or electronic) that someone shared with you. Write how your feel about the sender's care and concern.

Session #11: Hope & Resilience

Trees with deep roots are the most resilient. Their roots keep them firmly grounded during storms and allow them to find water underground during drought conditions. 

True and Stable Hope:

When the weight of grief is crushing your spirit, you need hope. Not the "wishful thinking" that our culture often promotes, but a confident expectation for the future that is grounded and secure. 

• How would you define the word hope?
• Is the hope you describe, helping you deal with your sadness?

Filled With Hope:

Sometimes we paint a picture in our own mind of a bleak and hopeless future. When you start to change that picture, adding strokes of warm color and light to the dark places, it will give you the ability to press forward with hope, one small step at a time, even in the midst of deep suffering.

• Grief can make you bitter or better. If you're open to learning from it, grief can teach your good lessons about yourself and your relationships.

Pressing on After Tragedy, Part 1:

The journey of grief recovery isn't an easy one, but you will get stronger and more resilient. Resilience is the ability to become strong and healthy again after something bad happens. Here's how to intentionally build resilience in your life:

• Take care of yourself by drinking plenty of fluids, eating healthy, exercising, and getting enough sleep. Feeling physically healthy gives you strength to press on through difficulties.
• Be flexible with your plans while resting. Making plans is wise, but you should always be willing to accept that what had been planned for you might be different than what you thought.

Pressing on After Tragedy, Part 2:

Your resilience--your ability to recover after something bad happens--grows as your learn to life your life.

• Reduce unnecessary complications in your life. You can do this by making choices. 
• Develop relationships of mutual care and accountability. Reach out to friends who can encourage you, advise you, and lovingly confront you when you need it. 
• Live a meaningful life by using your gifts, talents, and skills. Think about ways you can use your gifts, talents, and skills, to bless others in your family, neighbourhood, or community.
• Even with the changes you've had to go through, love is still present in your life. 

Writing Prompts:

• List the ways your loved one blessed your life.
• Write about some good things that have happened in your life recently.

Session #12: What Do I Live For Now?

Remembering & Honouring:

As you think about your life, moving forward in a healthy way doesn't mean forgetting your loved one. Quite the opposite. Healing includes remembering your loved one and honouring the memory by reflecting on meaningful moments you shared together. And it also involves honouring your loved one by building on the lessons you learned from him or her to bless other people.

A Sign of Healing-continuing life:

Maybe you've heard that it's important to "cut ties" with your deceased loved ones so you can reinvest in other relationships. But that's not really what happens-nor should it! You and your loved one are brought together for a period of time and for certain purposes. So, preserving your memories of that relationship is important for rebuilding your life in a healthy way. You might consider one of these ideas as a legacy project.

1. Think about (and share) the positive influence: Your loved one likely gave you encouragement, advice, affection, or support, and your identity was affected and shaped by his or her example. You can honour your loved one's memory by living out the positive lessons you learned. Consider: a) How did your loved one influence who you've become? b) What positive traits, forged from that relationship, do you want to nurture?
2. Record special memories: As you reflect on your relationship and your loved one's qualities, you may find it helpful to record your memories of him or her and your time together. Consider writing a journal, creating a box of keepsakes, or putting together a photo album or scrapbook of special times with your loved one.
3. Contribute to a cause: Another way to remember your loved one while moving forward in your life is to contribute to a cause that touched his or her life. You might use your time, talents, or money to give to an existing organization (or even start a new one) that makes a contribution to society. For example, one woman donated teddy bears to a local hospital in honour of your husband, Teddy, and she hosted a benefit concert to help people with a terminal illness; another woman volunteered to read to groups of children at the library in honour of her deceased daughter. Ask yourself: Are there any causes you might contribute to in honour of your loved ones? These contributions become part of your loved one's legacy.

You Have a Purpose:

In the early days of grief, your focus is going to be on your loss and its all-consuming nature, and that's okay. But at some point you will want to honour your loved one by taking steps toward healing.

Passing on Your Blessings:

"When I got to the drive-through window, I was told the person in front of me had paid for my meal. So I paid for the person behind me." Have you ever experienced a "pay it forward" situation like this? When you receive comfort during grief, you're given a similar opportunity-to pass along the comfort to others, which in turn helps you.

• In what ways have you benefited from helping others?
• Let's say you hear about someone who recently lost a loved one. If you were to reach out to that person with simple words of support, how would that help you? How would it help the other person?

Remember, researchers have found that helping others can alleviate the negative thinking that is part of sadness, depression, and anxiety. Helping others has this effect. Helping somebody else is a great bit part of the healing process.

A Sign of Healing-Sharing Comfort:

You have something so important to offer people who are grieving the loss of a loved one. You're able to say: "I know it hurts. But you can make it through. I know, because I've been there." That reassurance can change the course of a person's journey.

• "To be able to use something difficult in my life to help others is incredible."
• "When I was given the opportunity to give back, I said yes."

Writing Prompts:

Remembering your loved one is an important part of your grief journey. Use the following prompts to reflect on your loved one's life and its impact.

• Write down characteristics of your loved one you want to remember (and perhaps adopt for yourself). Include why these characteristics are important.
• Write down some memories of special times with your loved one (events, conversations, etc.). Include why these times are important to you.
• Other family members and friends are grieving the loss of your loved one. What could you say (or write) to support one of them in his or her grief?

There is one Session I left out from my program, because as mentioned before. This originally was a Christian-based group support program. Since I'm not religious myself, I wanted to provide what I learned in a more neutral view that may help the general public who are also non-religious.

I'd like to say, since I started this Grief Group Support in September and it finished in December (although I couldn't attend the last two session, as my family had to suddenly fly back to our home country to attend a second funeral), I have met a wonderful group of people. This Group Support thing, takes place twice a year. Starting in April and September. I decide to join the group again in April, when I first joined last September, there were members in there of which it was their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th time. Also, I really like these people, so I would love to stay in touch with them.