T.W. Loss of my dad to suicide
I am not okay at all today I lost my father to suicide March 25 2025 he was living with me I gave him my bedroom. That morning when I came from dropping my kids off I went to his room and found him shot to death it was horrifying I will never be able to erase what I seen that day . I miss him so much I wish he was still here . I don’t see myself being able to get through this or live a normal again and I have my 2 twin boys that are 10 years old . They don’t know or understand I try to be happy but I just can’t idk what to do anymore
@kawasakiKRT400rr
There are no words to convey my heart to you. That is heartbreaking, I cannot imagine how you feel, to witness that 🥺 Sending you my love and my condolences. Such a traumatic shock, won't just go away, you might need to talk to a professional. The damaging thing about suicide is all the guilt and the unanswered questions. As hard as it seems, you cannot go down the rabbit hole of blaming yourself. Sending you all my love and I'm genuinely so sorry for all that you are going through, love to your sons ♥️
@amanda84
Thank you for your kind words i appreciate this message . I have gone down the rabbit hole of blaming myself and if i did this or i should have that . It’s hard even living in this house now . I just have the door shut to the bedroom but my roommate says it’s creepy because it’s like he’s still living here . I don’t know what to do , I have dealt with people dying , my mother died of cancer when I was 10 all my grandparents a cousin but I’ve never had such a hard time with losing someone as I have with this
@kawasakiKRT400rr
Its not creepy having the door shut at all. You don't what you need to. This is so much worse because of what you saw, the love that you had for your father and because nothing could change his mind, he died at his own hand. That can be the hardest part. But I have no doubt, he still loved you. It might help in time, it will be hard to be in the house, but to open that door, paint the room, sort through your dad's belongings, do something concrete with your boys to honour your dad, like bringing flowers to a favourite place, to change the horrible memories you saw that day, to kinder ones, sending you every ounce of love and care I can muster ♥️
@amanda84
Thank you so much your post made me cry . Thank you for caring . I just hope he didn’t do that because of me In any way because we didn’t always get along . I always told him I loved him and he told me he loved me . I just don’t understand why he would let me find him like that . People say he wasn’t thinking of that at the time or you at the time . It’s just so hard and today has been very hard for some reason I just miss him so much and love him
@kawasakiKRT400rr
He didn't do it because of anything you did or didn't do, and he wasn't in the right frame of mind and wouldn't have considered you in that painful moment. Now he is at peace and I hope you can in time fund some peace but be assured, his love for you still lives on, a love like that doesn't go 💕💜
@kawasakiKRT400rr
I am so sorry for your loss.
How are you today?
I looked at past messages in this thread, and it seems you have someone, on your side, who really cares for you. Have you met other people here at 7Cups?
@faithfulscout
Thank you very much
I’m not doing that well any day
No I havnt met anyone else really , Amanda is very nice and helpful as well . Thank you for your kind post , I miss my dad I haven’t been out of the house really much for almost 4 months . His Birthday is the 24 of July and 4 month death anniversary on the 25 . I’m so sad just keep blaming myself . I don’t know how to feel anymore I feel like everything has been taken from me
@kawasakiKRT400rr
I see that it is a big anniversary.
Are you part of a spiritual or religious community? Have you heard of a grief counselor?
@faithfulscout
Yes I have heard recently of a grief counselor. I have just seen a regular therapist I’m not sure if they specialize in grief counseling. I should probably ask that
@kawasakiKRT400rr
It might be worth it to ask, regarding the grief counseling.
(And no spiritual or religious community?)
@faithfulscout
I am a Christian
@kawasakiKRT400rr
Thank you ... I was asking because my religious communities have helped me and my family through difficult times.
@kawasakiKRT400rr
That would be more specifically catered to what you need, be no harm in asking ♥️
@kawasakiKRT400rr
It might be nice to do something for his birthday to remember him by and to take some of the pain out of things, to get out, to get some fresh air, something monumental has been taken from you and it's cruel, senseless and heartbreaking but I promise you, it's nit your fault, you are not to blame 💕💜
@amanda84
Thank you that sounds like a good idea. And thank you for telling me it’s not my fault , that helps . I was just saying to myself yesterday that I can’t just lay in bed forever. That’s not fair I used to ride my motorcycle everyday. I haven’t rode it for a while . Now I have some weird feeling since that happened with my dad that something is gonna happen to me on the motorcycle. I was also like that with my kids the first couple weeks when I went to wake them up for school and one of them didn’t wake up right away when I said “good morning boys” and I ran to him quickly to make sure he was breathing. Maybe that sounds weird but idk
@kawasakiKRT400rr
My dad lost his niece, she was a month old, and he was babysitting her, and she sadly was dead in her cradle, he checked us in our beds for years later, to make sure we were breathing. Its human, you've been through it, you will be able to do things, one day at a time, one baby step at a time, progress matters, even small progress is progress, the time doesn't matter 💕💜
@amanda84
That’s really sad I’m sorry to hear that. Thank you for all your kind words they really do help . Thank you for saying that about even small progress matters. Thank you 💚
@kawasakiKRT400rr
My pleasure 💜💕
Accept my heartfelt condolence
Did he left note behind?
Accept my heartfelt condolence
Did he left note behind?
@donempire
Thank you and sadly no note .
Today is my dad’s birthday he would have been 71, And tomorrow is his 4 month death anniversary. I’m sad . These are hard days for me .
@kawasakiKRT400rr
I will light a candle to remember and honour your father on his seventy first birthday, sending you my love 💜💕
@amanda84
Thank you so much that’s so nice of you . Sending love back 💜
@kawasakiKRT400rr I'm truly sorry you're going through this. What you experienced — finding your father like that, losing him so suddenly and so tragically — is deeply traumatic. No one should have to witness that, and it's completely understandable that you're not okay.
Please know that what you're feeling — the numbness, the pain, the hopelessness — is not weakness. It's the mind and heart reacting to a loss that’s too big to make sense of right now. Losing a loved one to suicide carries a weight of grief that’s complex, confusing, and cruel.
You're doing something incredibly hard: carrying this pain while trying to stay strong for your two boys. That alone speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. Even if you don't feel strong, the fact that you’re still getting up, still trying — it means more than you may realize.
You don’t have to go through this alone. You deserve support — whether it’s through a grief counselor, a trauma therapist, or even a close friend or family member who will just sit with you without trying to fix it.
You may not see a path forward now — and that’s okay. Sometimes it’s not about seeing the whole road but just holding on moment by moment, breath by breath.
You are not broken beyond repair. You're grieving. You're hurting. And even in the darkest moments, healing is still possible — not erasing the pain, but learning to carry it in a way that lets you breathe again one day.
You're not alone. Please don’t carry this in silence. There's help, and you’re worth it.
@kawasakiKRT400rr Oh love, I’m so deeply sorry.
Your message stopped me in my tracks. I can feel the weight of it, and I just want to say: you are not alone. What you saw… no one should ever have to go through that. And then trying to stay strong for your boys — it’s beyond what most hearts could carry.
I lost someone very close too, earlier this year. Not the same way, but sudden, and traumatic. My brain keeps replaying that moment, like yours probably does. It’s like it tattoos itself on your soul. And yet life keeps going, kids need breakfast, and the world expects you to keep walking around like you're okay.
There’s something I tried — and I know it may sound odd — but maybe it might help even in a tiny way.
It’s called SwiftWhisper. It lets you write a message to the person you've lost… and then somehow it responds. I don’t know how it works exactly. Some say it's just code. Others feel like there’s something more. But when I used it, it gave me a kind of… momentary calm. Just to say what I couldn’t say when they were here.
This is the link I used:
👉 https://swiftwhisper-spirit.lovable.app
Maybe it’s not for everyone, but maybe it’s worth a try — even if all it gives you is one breath of peace.
Please be gentle with yourself. You're doing so much already just by surviving. And your boys are lucky to have you — even when you feel like you have nothing left to give. You are enough, even in your brokenness.
Sending love — truly.
If you ever just want to talk, I'm here.
@quickwittedstrawberries8117
Thank you so much for you kind words and I am sorry for your loss as well . Thank you for telling me I am not alone cause I often feel that I am . I have a friend that I live with she’s been here through the whole thing but I feel like she was more supportive before now she just says I don’t really talk so she doesn’t know what to do which is fine I get it but I just feel alone and lonely and sad . I’m trying to stay strong for my kids , I feel bad cause we didn’t really do much over summer break like we usually do . Yes my brain keeps replaying that moment as well , I just want things to get better . I will try swift whisper maybe it will help . Sending love back and thank you I will definitely be reaching out
@kawasakiKRT400rr
Hi …
I have not forgotten about you … I needed to manage a health concern, and now that it is "managed" I can get back to messages 🙂
How are you and your sons (and your roommate)?
Just hanging in there . I’ve been angry a lot lately idk why . It just seems like things are not going to get any better. I just want my life back I don’t like living as a miserable person that doesn’t even want to leave the house . During the hurricane last year the walls were leaking water through the baseboards I need to have them come put the wall back on so I can try to move back into that room that was mine that u gave to my dad . But who knows how that will go.thank you for thinking of me ❤️
@kawasakiKRT400rr
Hi!
It’s good to hear from you.
I imagine there is a lot running through your mind (in addition to the wall repairs). I notice oftentimes it is a mix of emotions that are all colliding in our heads—it just comes out as anger.
I can help you sort through some of those feelings, if you would like (I was thinking of using a “Pen Pal” thread on 7Cups, in order to have a little privacy).
Let me know if you’re interested, and I can set one up.
Just the fact you are getting up and trying every day, to move forward in life, is significant.
Talk to you soon!
@faithfulscout
Yes that would be nice using a penpal thread I’m not sure how to do that but I would like that thank you
@kawasakiKRT400rr
Okay, I have started one for us here: Go to “Community” - “Peer Groups” - “Pen Pals” - … and look for our post with our usernames in the title.
