When it is too late...

Two weeks ago, my best friend died in a car accident. He was my only friend really. I saw him the night before the accident and things have been a bit tense between us due to unresolved emotions on my side. He had feelings for me and I did not want to be more than friends and it reached a point where I felt suffocated, not just by him I must add, but it was one thing I felt I could control too just take some space and distance from him to get myself back together. And I must admit, that deep down some part of me was a bit embarrassed by the idea of me dating him, I don't know why, but it just felt wrong, and I told him this in kinder terms, but I could always sense a bit of resentment towards me for not choosing to be more than friends and I needed space from that. I got to the point where I just blocked him on WhatsApp because he was constantly being so overly nice and inviting me to things and wanting to hang out and it got to be too much, I needed space. Yesterday I realized that, I blocked him 5 months ago, I haven't spoken to him in 5 months, except for two weeks ago that night. And as I said the conversation was a bit tense, not mean or anything, just the quick how are you and we will talk soon, because I believed I had time. Honestly I blame myself in a degree, because he left feeling hurt, I could see it, he was hurting because of me. I was trying to get another guy's attention that I have had a crush on for a while now, instead of working things out with my friend. The guy ghosted me and my friend died because he got drunk and drove home and got killed in a car accident. I can't help but feel I contributed to this behaviour.

I was so focused on myself, and the wrong people that I lost the only realy friend I ever had, I took him for granted and now it is to late. I just had so much going on, and believe me I wanted to tell him so badly and I never got the chance...

So I am just going to try and type down what I would have said if I could have one more conversation, before it was too late...

Dear, Friend. You know I have always loved you, maybe not in the way you would have liked and I am sorry, but if I could force my emotions to change I would, but I couldn't lie to myself or you. And honestly I have always felt you are to good to me, I didn't deserve your kindness and I wasn't always a great friend, but you were always a great friend. We started off as frenemies in the 9th grade and I remember the day we became best friends like it was yesterday. We went on a class camping trip in the 11th grade right before we found out your mom had cancer. We were sitting on this big red sand dune and we just talked and somehow we just knew this would be forever. In the 12th grade we burried your mother on my 18th birthday. That was eight years ago. I never every imagined sitting in that same church, same people, but your name would be on the funeral pamphlet. I promised your mom I would do my best to be there for you. Somehow we finished high-school together and went our separate ways... I'll admit we lost touch and then found eachother along the way and that was just how it was for us, but we always got back to eachother. But somewhere along the way things turned into one big mess. Guess I broke my promise...

I realy needed to tell you why I was distant. Not only because of the emotions between us, but I found out I am sick and I am not going to get better. My sister-inlaw's father got cancer and shot himself. Our family dog died after 13 years. Financially this are a mess at home. My dad only comes home on weekends, he has been living and working away from home for more than a year now. I miss him and I am in a state of constant fear because of his health and age that he might not come home one day. And to make myself feel better it was easier chasing people I thought cared instead of being with the one who actually cared. Things are hard, now more than ever.

I am so sorry, and I miss you so so much.

If you're looking down on me from where ever you are, please forgive me for not being the friend you needed.