LostNotFound404 Member Profile

Confession

Religion & Spirituality / by LostNotFound404

September 26th

...See more I have been doing this program to turn focus back to God and let go of the things I cant control. And it has realy been eye opening and hard. The things I prayed for have taken a long time to come around, but I have been noticing it. My dad moved away for work and he is finally coming home. And today I saw a double rainbow and I thought about Noah and Gods promise. But the one aspect of my life I have been pleading for in prayer still hasn't fallen into place. I have been seeing movements and changes that where necessary to get me to where I think I need to be, but the longer the wait gets, the bigger the hurt gets and I know the things meant for me will take time, but it is realy hard to wait, to not want to take control, to not not trust the process. I have always trusted my intuition but what do you do when your feelings start to clash with your faith? Maybe the hurt is the final step in the process, but it is just so hard. I have prayed all my life for the patience, kindness, understanding and maturity to be the woman who is worthy and capable of a man to spend the rest of her life with. A man who will be my best friend, a partner, a husband, a father, to build a life with. And I see God has been removing the wrong people from my life and maybe the hardest part so far has been having my best friend being called to heaven to soon. I know all this happens for a reason and my friend passing away sadly had its own lesson, he taught me how I should be loved, and to not let the good things slip away. But that is the thing, I met a guy and from the first moment we met there was this pull, we hung out and our paths separated, then we briefly hung out again and I know I could feel something more, but he just vanished again. I want to believe I am imagining my feelings, but I realy realy just want to tell him I am completely in love with him and I can't get him off my mind, believe me I have been trying so hard to let go, we haven't spoken in weeks and I want to believe that if he cared or if I was meant to be, he would have reached out by now. I get it, life happens, people get busy, but sometimes I feel he is just to busy for me. I believe what is meant for us will not pass us by, and what is not meant for us will be removed even if it hurts amd it might take years to see the bigger picture. I am just tired of waiting and having these feelings without any mutual infatuation. I know I deserve better, I know I can't be with just anyone. I know I will not be able to give a 50/50 relationship due to health issues, but I also know that the right person will give the 90 when I am at a 10, and he will know I will give my 100 when he needs it, it is give and take. I just have too much to give and it is taking so long for God to send him to me. I guess I just wanted to put the faith versus control conflict into words to get some perspective. I know all I can do is wait.

Grieving me.

Grief & Loss / by LostNotFound404

Sunday

...See more I have been finding it quite sad lately when I see memes about spontaneity or doing something stupid just for the fun of it or being the unpredictable fun friend. I miss that version of me. After being diagnosed with lupus a few months ago, I have had to take time and stop and listen to the small changes in my body to avoid getting sick or having a flare-up. I have given up so much that I have completely shut down my identity, I know who I am, but my health won't allow me the be her anymore. I was the girl to run up the mountain, smell the roses, jump in the lake, get my hands dirty, do it all myself. I used to dance, play sports, hike, paint, read, create, build stuff, you name it. Now... I get lightheaded when I fold the laundry. I am so tired at the end of a work week that I sleep the whole weekend and still get up Monday exhausted. One remotely social Saterday and I am drained. I struggle to keep up with playing with my nephew because I get tired so easily. Dancing, ballet, its completely out of the picture, my body has been broken down to the point that I physically can do the thing I love most anymore. Some symptoms realy scare me, my hands might go numb, twitch and drop things unexpectedly. My feet go blue and feel dead yet painful, some nights I can't breath for no reason, I get headaches and dizzy and pains in random places that scare me because I dont know why it is happening. There is this long list of co-illnesses that just keep growing. Asthma, Raynaud's, tachycardia, IBS, eye issues, nervous system dysfunctions, mental issues, and so forth. It is just really draining and I miss the me before the lupus who could just live.

When it is too late...

Grief & Loss / by LostNotFound404

August 18th

...See more Two weeks ago, my best friend died in a car accident. He was my only friend really. I saw him the night before the accident and things have been a bit tense between us due to unresolved emotions on my side. He had feelings for me and I did not want to be more than friends and it reached a point where I felt suffocated, not just by him I must add, but it was one thing I felt I could control too just take some space and distance from him to get myself back together. And I must admit, that deep down some part of me was a bit embarrassed by the idea of me dating him, I don't know why, but it just felt wrong, and I told him this in kinder terms, but I could always sense a bit of resentment towards me for not choosing to be more than friends and I needed space from that. I got to the point where I just blocked him on WhatsApp because he was constantly being so overly nice and inviting me to things and wanting to hang out and it got to be too much, I needed space. Yesterday I realized that, I blocked him 5 months ago, I haven't spoken to him in 5 months, except for two weeks ago that night. And as I said the conversation was a bit tense, not mean or anything, just the quick how are you and we will talk soon, because I believed I had time. Honestly I blame myself in a degree, because he left feeling hurt, I could see it, he was hurting because of me. I was trying to get another guy's attention that I have had a crush on for a while now, instead of working things out with my friend. The guy ghosted me and my friend died because he got drunk and drove home and got killed in a car accident. I can't help but feel I contributed to this behaviour. I was so focused on myself, and the wrong people that I lost the only realy friend I ever had, I took him for granted and now it is to late. I just had so much going on, and believe me I wanted to tell him so badly and I never got the chance... So I am just going to try and type down what I would have said if I could have one more conversation, before it was too late... Dear, Friend. You know I have always loved you, maybe not in the way you would have liked and I am sorry, but if I could force my emotions to change I would, but I couldn't lie to myself or you. And honestly I have always felt you are to good to me, I didn't deserve your kindness and I wasn't always a great friend, but you were always a great friend. We started off as frenemies in the 9th grade and I remember the day we became best friends like it was yesterday. We went on a class camping trip in the 11th grade right before we found out your mom had cancer. We were sitting on this big red sand dune and we just talked and somehow we just knew this would be forever. In the 12th grade we burried your mother on my 18th birthday. That was eight years ago. I never every imagined sitting in that same church, same people, but your name would be on the funeral pamphlet. I promised your mom I would do my best to be there for you. Somehow we finished high-school together and went our separate ways... I'll admit we lost touch and then found eachother along the way and that was just how it was for us, but we always got back to eachother. But somewhere along the way things turned into one big mess. Guess I broke my promise... I realy needed to tell you why I was distant. Not only because of the emotions between us, but I found out I am sick and I am not going to get better. My sister-inlaw's father got cancer and shot himself. Our family dog died after 13 years. Financially this are a mess at home. My dad only comes home on weekends, he has been living and working away from home for more than a year now. I miss him and I am in a state of constant fear because of his health and age that he might not come home one day. And to make myself feel better it was easier chasing people I thought cared instead of being with the one who actually cared. Things are hard, now more than ever. I am so sorry, and I miss you so so much. If you're looking down on me from where ever you are, please forgive me for not being the friend you needed.

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Religion & Spirituality / by LostNotFound404

May 12th

...See more I have been feeling that life has been a bit too unreasonable and unfair lately. I am a spiritual person but lately I have been so furious (although that is not a strong enough word to express my rage and anger) with God. I have always been able to find the lesson and the silver lining but I have been trying for so long now and I just can't. I find myself screaming at him at the top of my lungs some days, I just don't know how to live with a God that sits back and lets the ones who deserve some compassion, who is there for EVERYONE, suffer alone. I have been cheated on, beat by jealous boyfriends, used for one night stands, and most of the time I saw the lesson eventually. Now, I dont. I just feel like I deserve my happy ending, but it never comes. It keeps raining, I keep drowning, and he saves me just enough to keep on drowning. My sister-inlaw's dad suddenly got terminal cancer his whole body through, that was 6 months ago. He shot himself three weeks ago. He died obviously. Try explaining this to my two year old nephew. I understand that he was in too much pain to handel it anymore, and honestly I did not like him very much, but somehow it hit way to close to home. I am scared to death of losing my father, he is 71 and because of my half-brother, that is 41 years old and living at home with him and my mom, my dad has to work out of town the whole week for next to nothing in the middle of nowhere. I see him on weekends, only because I also live in town. My half-brother has been here sponging on my parents for over 4 years now, playing xbox all day, not wanting to work because it is to hot or to cold of whatever. He doesn't even look for work anymore. My dad has been very depressed and my mom is always angry and taking it out on my dad. I hate my half-brother. He has been indirectly robbing me of MY father. His father was a cheating, peace of rubish that left my mom when he was two, he does not get to take my dad away from me, maybe if he started pulling his weight it wouldn't be so bad, but he honestly is worthless and I don't consider him family. On top of this, I have been diagnosed with SLE, primarily affecting my digestive system, nervous system and joints and bones. I am in pain 90% of the time, and in a few weeks I have to undergo testing to see if my fertility is being affected. The one thing I want in the world is to get married, have children and be a family. I seems more and more like that is never going to happen. I have no friends and mens run in the opposite direction. I am working on a clerks salary, while doing my articles and studying towards an accounting degree. I am tired all the time and constantly making mistakes because I am tired and then I get in trouble and lose all motivation. I never sleep anymore, I am in a constant state of anxiety, grief and fear. I had to sleep with the light on last night, just to fall asleep. I am realy struggling, I promise I am not suicidalor anything like that, but I need life to stop existing for just a minute. Is it wrong to believe that God is finding joy in letting me suffer alone and taking everything from me? I just don't know how to move on past this one.

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