broken
My life has either been scary or sad. I always feel stupid and like there's no place for me anymore. I tell my parents I love them but I am scared to tell them the truth: that I don't. everything feels like it's falling apart and I don't know what i can do about it because nothing works. I don't know my gender, if im straight or les or etc., if anyone cares at all. yet whenever i say this to people or try to bring it up they give me very good reasons why im lucky and why i should be happy. this just makes me feel selfish. every day I think, 'why should i?' when i am perfectly fine. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me. my life is perfectly fine and im probably just making stuff up because im so in my head. I feel selfish and stupid and ugly and dumb and I just want to fold up and keep folding till I turn into nothing or at least till no one can see me anymore. im cared about by a lot of people and they love me but im just too stuck in my mind to notice.
I wish my dad came back so he could make me feel better. he would fix all this. he would know how to make it better. it has been 6 years since I saw him and I can't take it anymore. I don't give a *** about what he did at this point because I know he was a bad person but I only saw the good side of him. by parents that I mentioned above I meant my mom and her wife. I love my dad. i don't know who else I can love
they do so much for me and im too stupid to notice
this is how I feel
@Thunderclouds3 the pain you’re carrying is real, even if people around you don’t always understand it. Feeling lost, confused about who you are, or guilty for struggling doesn’t mean you’re making things up; it just means you’re overwhelmed and hurting. Missing your dad, even knowing he wasn’t perfect, is a completely human thing. You’re grieving someone who made you feel safe. None of this makes you selfish or stupid. It makes you someone trying to make sense of big emotions without feeling like you have space to express them. You deserve support that doesn’t dismiss what you feel.
Thank you
@Thunderclouds3
Thank you for trusting people with something this heavy. Reading your words, it sounds like you’ve been carrying fear, sadness, confusion, and grief for a really long time and mostly by yourself. Feeling like there’s “no place” for you, questioning who you are, and wondering whether anyone truly cares can be incredibly isolating, especially when people respond by telling you why you should be happy instead of hearing how much you’re hurting.
I also hear how torn you feel inside; loving your parents and knowing they care for you, while also feeling disconnected and guilty for not feeling what you think you’re “supposed” to feel. That doesn’t make you selfish or fake. It sounds like your mind has been stuck in a cycle of self-blame and self-doubt, and I’m really sorry you’re dealing with so much self-hate toward yourself. You call yourself stupid, ugly, dumb, selfish but none of those words sound like the truth of who you are. They sound like pain talking.
The part about your dad really stood out to me too. Missing him, missing how he made you feel safe or understood, even while knowing he wasn’t a good person overall... that kind of grief can be confusing and complicated. Wanting the good parts back doesn’t mean you’re wrong or broken. It means you loved him, and you lost something important.
Nothing you wrote sounds made up. It sounds like someone who is overwhelmed, stuck in their head, and exhausted from trying to hold everything together while telling themselves they shouldn’t feel this way. Your feelings are valid, even if your life looks “fine” from the outside.
If you’re okay sharing, how long have you been feeling like this? Was there a time when it felt a little lighter, or has this been building for a while?
You don’t have to fold yourself into nothing to be seen here. I’m really glad you spoke up. 💙
I've been feeling like this for 5 years straight.
thank you for supporting
That is a really long time to feel these things. I’m sorry you have been dealing with this. I am here for you. What would help you feel more supported ?
I don't really know. everything i try doesn't really work and I feel like I can't heal.
@Thunderclouds3
I hear you, that's frustrating. If you feel comfortable, what are the things you tried and why didn't they help?
reading, sleeping, grounding, taking deep breaths, drawing, painting, taking time outside, socializing, and animal therapy are the things I've tried. it's like I feel like they work but whenever im reminded of him, my mental health goes down all the way back to its lowest level. and I can't forget him. it's impossible to, because he's my family.
@Thunderclouds3
So it sounds like all these things are honestly just distractions and that is why they work when you're not thinking about him. Have you ever worked through the trauma associated with your father to unravel the bad and the good and learn to truly heal?
yes, I have
I don't think it helps either but I could be wrong.
@Thunderclouds3
I see, so you have tried it in what type of capacity? What did you do exactly and for how long?
I let myself feel sadness and grief, and it feels like it just makes it worse. I don't know what to do.
@Thunderclouds3
I see, so you sit with your sadness and grief. I can understand how sitting with it would make you feel worst. Have you thought about trying to put the grief and sadness somewhere, like maybe a letter? What would you want to say?
I guess I would just say I miss him and I love him.
I can't send a letter though, because I don't even know where he lives..
@Thunderclouds3
You don't have to send the letter. The letter is for yourself to write exactly what you would tell him. So you miss him and love him. Anything else? It is okay to be honest with yourself.