A Little Ramble About Family
I texted both my grandmas this morning.
We don't talk much. I'm kind of one of the black sheep, you could say. I think after I moved out as soon as I turned 18, the only people to still wanted to keep me in their lives were those two.
That isn't to say things are perfect between us either. I haven't been able to see them in at least 10 years. Not really...
And besides, the one on my mom's side is very... intense? Sometimes she is very nice (and pushy), other times she will bring up the past and say something rude (and be pushy about it). I was never able to avoid her intensity for long because she used to take part in getting cops sent to my house if I didn't reply fast enough.
But today? I was the one to reach out just to say hello, and I feel like it wasn't really wanted. Guess I'll give them some space.
@BusyBird
Family are complicated. And yours sounds particularly complicated.
Walking away from family at 18 is a huge step, that takes a lot of courage. You must have had a very real reason to do that. But still, I imagine there is a sense of loss. Loss of what could have been, maybe.
It's totally understandable that you have tried to keep a connection with the grandmas in order to minimise that loss. But it sounds like you might be realising that that connection is somewhat on their terms, with not much care for what you want or need. And probably this feels like yet another loss.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. You didnt deserve any of this. I can see you trying. Nothing I can say I think is going to make it any better. I hope their lack of response was just unfortunate. That they have already been in contact, and your fears valid but unfounded. But if not, I think you know the score. And it hurts, I'm sure.
A virtual hug if you'd like one. There's a saying somewhere about chosen family vs birth family. You deserve a caring supportive family.
@Clio9876 Thank you... I never expected things to stay as they have for so long, but I guess I was kind of invisible to most of them to begin with. Honestly, it was after I moved out that my grandmas actually seemed to want to stay in touch. So in a way, leaving helped. Maybe I was being just a tad bit dramatic about their silence when I posted my thread. I think I'm just paranoid because they're getting older and sicker, and I haven't seen them in so long.
Thank you for the kind words and digital hug. I appreciate it. Truly.
@BusyBird
I dont think you were being dramatic over their silence. You were, or are, worried. That's a valid thing to feel. And it's OK to feel it. I don't subscribe to the notion that denying or hiding your feelings makes you tough. I subscribe to the idea that facing your fears is the real courage. I suspect you've not had much of a safe place to explore your feelings. But they don't go away, just because we don't look at them. Maybe now is a bit of time for you and what you need?
