Check in Aug 13th

When I was in middle school I was suicidal, I went through a very dark few years, I don't remember much of it because depression makes you black out bad times of your life, at least mine does and because of that I don't remember 3-4 years of my life. I do remember thinking that if I ended it I would save myself so much pain but I didn't, I kept going. I never really imagined myself living past 15. Sure I would say things like 'when I'm 18, I'm going to....' but I never thought I'd actually get there. Now I'm in my twenty's and I'm living a life I never planned for. Id hoped that at some point id find a reason to live, and maybe I did for a bit but now I'm just this shell of a person that puts on a smile and acts like everything is ok when in reality I'm dying inside. I think back to middle school and how right I was, I could have saved myself so much pain. I'm not suicidal because I'm not going to do it or even attempt it, but I just don't want to be alive. I feel like I'm alive but I'm not, I'm going through the motions of life just wishing I didn't have to. Who I was 10 years ago and now are not that different, I still can't imagine myself past 15, it's like my brain just can't fathom that its an impossible reality that I'm living in. It just hurts, it hurts everywhere and I just want to know when it's going to get better because I cant see the light. Maybe I'm a product of social media, I fit every statistic that comes with growing up in a social media world. I don't think I am but maybe there is something I'm not seeing.

I keep moving forward because at some point, it has to get better but when. I put up this front, I put a smile on my face that seems so real, I have a job, I go to school, for my age it seems like I'm ahead, on paper I'm supposed to be happy. But when I close the doors to my room I breakdown. I'm realizing I've blacked out some of my twenties too, sometimes I woulder if I'm going to black this out. Sometimes I woulder if I've gone through things I don't know about because of my body's automatic relations to certain things. It scares me that I don't remember certain times of my life.

I'm going to keep moving forward, I'm going to be ok, I have to. It just hurts.

Id typically write this in my 'journal' of sorts but for some reason, I want to post it on here. Sorry if it's long, all over the place or dark.