Diary of an average PTSD sufferer - supporting comments welcome
I wouldn't Say Average but I am freaking out a bit and decided to come here to vent. Well no one in the group chat will acknowledge my existence, my listener read 3 sentences and disconnected and I am out of options. Maybe someone will read this maybe not.
When I turned 18 I was involved in a drive-by shooting that was the initial incident causing severe PTSD. I can no longer stand anyone behind me and have the overwhelming fear that everyone will harm me if I say or do the wrong thing.
I am Disabled and live off of a small Social security disability check, I make less than $16,000 a year. My settlement was enough however to purchase a house outright. No rent, No mortgage, and low yearly tax payments. Saves a lot on bills. Well, my brothers and mother were having a rough time when I bought my house so I moved them in with me. It was a great idea, they would work and we would live cheaply. This was 5 years ago now. They have no job, barely help keep anything clean, and only to make snide comments that I don't keep the house clean, and they sit around playing video games on the internet that I pay for. This wouldn't be so bad but I pay for the food and everything else. I'm trying so hard to get through college so I might be able to get back to work (with every semester it is looking less likely I will find gainful employment). They aren't trying at all. My older brother, with no skills, thinks he is worth $25/hr and wants to work within walking distance of the house. Yea, there isn't anything like that near here. My younger brother just refuses to discuss work. If I mention somewhere is hiring he walks away and shuts his door.
My car broke down. I have been fixing it for a month. If I had the money I could have PAID a damn shop to fix it and it would be working. I am not a mechanic. I am tired of trying to get it working. I had a breakdown today after getting home from classes because they are all asleep and I need to fix my car still and do several group projects.
But I should just shut up and pay the bills. Take my Ativan and calm down because they shouldn't have to deal with me. I'm exhausted.
Hey there, @PixelOpal (the username is adorable) , I commend you for trying the forums out and letting out your feelings !
It is upsetting to know how much you've been struggling alone . Sounds like your family is being completely dependent on you with no acknowledgement of all that you do and without them contributing in y'alls lifestyle , with classes, Bill's to pay everything at once is exhausting and no wonder it is making you feel frustrated. I'd honestly feel the same while juggling so much on my own :(
I am however so glad you tried reaching out on 7 cups , sometimes just venting helps us release the building frustrations and lightens the weight in our mind. I hope you've been feeling somewhat better after letting things out .
Also, your listener stopped replying soon after? That's not the right approach at all, there sometimes are connectivity issues but if you feel the need, please do leave this listener an honest review regarding their behaviour and your chat experience with them .
Meanwhile you can browse for a verified listener Here and can also visit the sharing circle or support room 24*7 anytime you like, I do hope your presence is acknowledged and you receive the support you need ❤
Offering comfy hugs !
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
It said, "you cannot respond to this person." I don't usually use listeners but I was really wanting to talk to someone. Now I am shutting down again. This usually means I'll spend a few days locked in my room which I can't afford right now as it's midterm time. I need to get back into therapy but it's too expensive (more reason to be angry no one is working) but how am I supposed to expect them to work when I literally CAN'T. Having someone back me up is sometimes enough to get me through, Reminds me I am not wrong to be angry and to keep pushing. Thanks for the hugs
The stress is real. I spent all day yesterday (9 straight hours) trying to catch up on my online science class because the exam opened that day and I only have so many hours to complete it. 11 chapters and 15 quizzes. I got them done and managed to do well on all of them.
I go to open the exam and it turns out it is next week. Our college has taken away our fall break, we don't even get off any extra days. I'm so exhausted. I have 2 group projects where no one has touched anything. It is frustrating. I am also trying to get ready for the LSATS. which has been me just worrying about them instead of studying because who has the time?
Then of course I wake up 5 hours before my alarm. I guess that is good other than I really wish I could sleep more. I have an accounting exam today which I didn't have time to study for because I spent all the time working on the other class (which I didn't need to).
Oh well. Take a moment to vent and back to the grind. Wish me luck
So, got the answers for the exam. Fairly certain I failed. I found out that in order to take almost half the classes I wanted to take next semester and next fall require a new class. YAY. So I am dropping most of these courses and looking to graduate next semester. I should be able to I meet my expectations just have to get into the capstone. Since registration has been open for nearly 3 days I doubt I will be able to get in without an override.
I just need to be done with all of this. I got a text from my dad this morning it just said. "I need help." with my dad that could mean anything from "I'm in jail" to "I cant figure out how to log into my facebook"
Now he isn't answering me but I have class today. This is important to me (I say as I am in the class I'm failing not paying attention.) I have barley held it together this long and it is stressing me out so bad.
I just want a damn nap.
Everything fell apart for a while, things got better and now here I am again. I passed My classes well. My accounting teacher, bless him, bumped my grade up because he saw I was trying.
I am sitting in class again, Final semester before my BAS. Can't wait to be done for a while. I want to go to law school but I think It may be better to take a year off.
Covid is scaring the hell outta me. As I sit in my class I can see over half is not wearing their mask properly, last week a girl was overheard saying she was covid positive during class. (also not properly wearing mask) I am trying to get accommodations to be away from people as Myself and my family are all high risk, My mother would die if she caught covid. I am wearing three masks. Trying to stay calm with these idiots around me. Im about to take the hit to my grades to not be physically in classes unless absolutely nessesary. our assistant dean of students is trying her best but no one is helping her so she is fighting a one woman war here on my behalf.
I need a nap so bad.
Its been a while. I passed everything ok and graduated with honors. I was going to start my masters this semester but My grandfather died and things have been hellish. Got sick real bad but after multiple tests found out it was not covid. (dear lord were we sick though). My dad sent me a message "Get me out of here" at 2 am and now his phone is off. I want nothing to do with him at the moment.
He is an alcoholic. he has multiple DUIs and now has intoxicated in public charge. He is still drinking. Im almost positive. What am I supposed to do, go chase him down to placate his need for sympathy? He is where he is because of his choices but I am the one that has to rescue him? There is nowhere else for him to go. I cant magically make an apartment appear. (He is staying in a motel with a "friend") he says its noisy, he cant sleep, he is living out of a microwave. YES I KNOW IT IS A TERRIBLE TIME FOR HIM. but I cant do it. I cant help. I am so tired.
Am i a horrible person to just want to say leave me alone? Can i really be done with my own father.