Entry 21 -- This freaking mountain!

I've talked about this a lot on here, but about a year and a half ago I was separated from my kids. I was living with my ex, and taking care of my kids, but I was forced from that living situation. That day I felt like I lost everything. It turns out I had no idea what else I had left, because afterward I lost even more.

All of my things sit in a garage, and I'm unable to use any of it. Family members have turned their backs on me. Friends have betrayed me. I've lost financial stability and, more times than I can count, the housing stability. At times, I didn't think I knew what stability could even be anymore.

Some days I've felt like everything was gone, and there was no point in trying to get it back.

Since my ex asked for a divorce, I have felt like I was falling. I used to think I was in free-fall, metaphorically speaking, only landing on cliffs for a few moments before rolling off again.

But today, I realized what has been happening is that I've been tumbling down a mountain. I have been tumbling down someone else's mountain. Every once in a while, I'd land on a ledge that would eventually give way, and I'd go tumbling down even more.

So now, I'm pretty sure I'm at the base of this mountain. I'm trying to climb up, but the rocks give way. I've gotten to a few ledges, and those fall away too. The truth is, I don't belong on this mountain.

I belong on that one. Over there. I belong on my mountain.

Getting to where I am today hurt a lot. Sometimes it hurt so much I didn't know why I should bother. But today, more than any other day, I can say with confidence that I can get to my own peak. I need to do it my own way, and I should absolutely ask for help when I need it. But I can get to the top.

I have lots of questions: How will I get there? What does the peak look like? How long will it take?? I know some of those answers. I know I want my kids back, and I want a nice home. Not only that, but I want stability, and joy, and I'd really like to find the love of my life. But that's not today. We'll get there -- it's no longer a matter of "if", but "when".

I am 42, and I feel like I'm starting all over again. That's so demoralizing and scary. But I need to keep reminding myself that this mountain is climbable, so long as I trust myself.