Escape

huh boy,

you guys have no idea what its like.. at least that's what it seems like. living here is so suffocating. and i hate to sound like an ungratfeul person, but living under these circumstances can really make someone go mad. it's like we have nothing.. but even amongst the nothing, we don't even have each other. and I've tried a million times to upkeep this home while my parents are getting older and more tired. but even when i try.. they find a way to just mess it up again like they like living this way. everytime i try to clean up the house, make it smell nice, rearrange things to give everything more space.. literally the next day.. i find things messed up again. in the craziest ways too. it agitates me.. cause i understand we don't have money, i have known that for a long time. I've recognized that we are not able to live in the same ways as many other families, but even still.. i know that it doesn't take a million dollars to at least TRY to do better. its like they don't even care or maybe i don't know there just so blind to it. but IM NOT! i hate living like this! I can literally go to the bathroom right now and trip over a pile of garbage, or someone plate of food on the floor. its so frustrating. and whats even worse is that they are all i have. this home, this family is the only thing in my life really. i fell out with a lot of people and got out of a really bad relationship these last few years (I'm over all of that now) but it's like it's just so hard to try and help out when they just.... i don't even know how to explain it. i feel so stuck here. i feel so buried in trash, buried in dirt.. i try to be better, i try to show them better.. it makes me so mad. mad that we have to live like this. empty alcohol bottles, cigarette ashes everywhere. even taking a shower to get clean doesn't feel like i even got clean. someone's hair is in the shower, i try not to look down, i try not to look around at it cause i feel i'll see something that will just completely disgust me. maybe i sound spoiled, i mean im not, i just want to feel clean, secure.

and you know whats even worse? the way our house is set up, whenever any car drives down our street our house is the first thing they see. so everytime my father or sister or brother decide to sit out on the porch, they leave the door wide open, so anyone driving down or walking past can see our front room which is filled with alcohol bottles, dirty masks, dirty shoes, piles of unopened mail. you name it. you'd be surprised at the things you'd find in here. i live in a small town so it's really embarrassing that any moment someone could walk past and see how we live. I'm sorry to complain but It just gets sooo fuckin overwhelming! i feel like its not okay. how can i stay calm?

i recently got my own room. so for me, my room is really my sanctuary. i try to keep it as clean, light and airy as possible. i light candles, i open the curtains, i just make it feel like a home you know? but the second i step out of the room.. its just dark and dirty..sometimes i even hate going to the kitchen cause when im in there i don't want to actually stay down there and prepare a meal.

i know it could be worse, but our environment is literally consuming us and its like there are people who don't even know what people like my family and i experience on a day to day basis. we need help, we need a relief from our situation because it literally gets to be too much sometimes. but who can we turn to? i just wish that this world wasn't based on money, cause when you don't have it.. it can put you in the most damaging circumstances.

i know i have issues with control.. i realize that. but the way i see it is im not trying to change and order everyone around, i just wish that i don't know my home felt like a home!!!

Before, i used to get up before everyone and clean the house, kind of just get the day started, set the vibe.. the next day, i'd see basically everything i did undone, a mess again in some way. clothes on the floor, stacks of dirty dishes again. so i stopped trying.. if i try i feel like there's no point, but when i don't try, no one else will and then i just feel stuck.

im trying so hard to get to the top, finish school and earn some real money cause, i really cant take this anymore. i want to take care of them but they don't want to take care of themselves and i don't even think they see how bad it is.

im not asking for much like seriously. and i understand that we have bought the best house we could afford with our money, but just because its like this doesn't mean that we have to add to it.

right now, i wish and i want to go out and take a walk and breathe some fresh air but.. there's no where for me to go. so i just look out the window.