Intrusive Thoughts & Disturbing Dreams

My parents divorced when I was 4. I grew up living with my dad. I slept in the same bed as him until I was probably 11/12 years old. At the time I didn’t realize it wasn’t normal. Just sleeping in the same bed wouldnt be so bad, except he always slept in his underwear. loose boxers. and as I was a kid, I always slept snuggled up right next to him. And when he would have women stay the night, and I would actually sleep in my room, I could hear them. every time. he didn’t bother to even try not to be loud. He also always, for my whole life, overshared everything with me and was extremely over protective. to the point he would barely let me stay the night at friends houses, and barely trusted family members to take me. I didn’t realize how much all of this affected me until later in life. I feel disgusting. My dad never touched me or anything, but i still feel violated. I’ve read about emotional molestation and how that can create similar long term effects or actual molestation. I know they are not the same, but also after reading a lot of the long term effects it makes a lot of sense. now when i’m around him I hate when he touches me. I have nightmares of a sexual nature involving him which always makes me wake up the next morning feeling like a disgusting freak. I also have not had many sexual partners in my life, because it takes me an incredibly long time to feel comfortable enough with someone in that way. I feel violated and gross. I don’t know how to get past it, or to feel comfortable around him, or to feel comfortable in my own sexuality with partners. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I hate having those dreams and intrusive thoughts. It makes me feel so ashamed and disgusting. And I don’t know how to talk to anyone about this. Even in therapy. It makes me feel so ashamed, i don’t know how to open up to someone about this and tell them to their face about any of this. i’m scared they will think i’m gross and disgusting. I thought coming on here and posting anonymously might help me. to just get it out. to talk about it. it’s my greatest shame, but maybe if I vent about it and hear of other people who have experienced similar things I won’t feel so alone and ashamed.