Journal and perhaps Create something I can stick too

tealBear2472 July 21st, 2019

It's 20 days into July. Twenty!! Where did the time go? I had summer classes for a month, and relaxation for a week, and then walking a dog another week. I'm surprised by how much time or days have gone by. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKS. It's summer and there are places I want to go too. I don't want to go alone and all my friends (my circle of three friends) are busy. I don't know. I want to make something of my next ten days. I want to be 'yay I'm working on this and it turned out great!' It's kind of hard. Because I'm motivated to do things when I see people and that keeps me accountable. Staying at home all the time has me un motivated and un willing to do things. Anyways, for the next two days--Sunday and Monday--, I'll be doing and planning/hoping to do some of this.

1) Walk with my mom and dog at the lake.

2) Write in my journal (I haven't done this in a few weeks and I need it)

3) Eat an apricot from the fridge

4) REALLY clean out my section desk/papers/shelf of my room ***I like this one. I need this one.

5) Pay for my Fall class.

One thing for me is consistency. I'd really appreciate it if I followed a night hygeine routine, which means sleeping before midnight and making sure I brush my teeth and take my meds and rinse my contacts. I'd also like a morning routine, which means starting my day WITHOUT tv if I can help it, so I can do something like Clean my Inbox, Write a Story, Plan and read the articles in m Interview Packet so I can be prepared when I come to the Program. Perhaps take the CBEST too. And plan to e-mail a few teachers I need to shadow in two weeks. NOW. Do it now is the mantra that will help.

tealBear2472 OP September 29th, 2019

Im, well my head is containing too much excitement and energy. I would like to focus it on caaaallllm.

tealBear2472 OP February 3rd, 2020

Hi it's been a while. I'd like to reintroduce my current self to my past self. I came back to looking through my "Journal" or diary as I now call it because it feels more personal.

I am having questions about where I stand in this world. And the probing question Who am I? Why am I not enough? to What can I experience to build up Me, my identity?

It feels lonely not knowing what to do. So I looked at a few other Diary Entries and am seeing people's life moving, experiencing challenges, and are finding multiple solutions. It makes me feel better. It did. So I'd like to re-continue and re-kindle my every now and then diary reflecting.

Good luck. You can do this girl!

tealBear2472 OP February 5th, 2020

Hmm, I e-mailed my psych to ask her to sign forms for me. The form will allow me to be under my mom's insurance for another year. I already had this form signed last year by my previous doctor, but I need to have it signed yearly. My current psych tells me she does not feel comfortable signing such document because it would label me as "disabled" which is "someone not able to work". I am unable to work for now because I also take full classes at college and that would cause me to have more episodes. I have the type of mental illness called bipolar disorder type I and that can leave my mind and physical to be severely affected. I have had psychotic episodes that involved hallucinations that i had no control over. I have a disability, but I think my psych believes that it does not qualify me to continue to be under the care of my parents insurance. I'd have to pay for my own insurance...with what money though? Mine which is not going to sustain the cost of meds and therapy. Or my parents? I'm no longer a child, so they don't need to pay for me. Therefore, it would help both me and in return my parents if i go under their insurance. I guess I need a list of evidence to convince my doctor. If she disagrees, it is her right. I will leave it. I hope I can go back and ask my previous doctor to sign again. I need more options.

tealBear2472 OP March 5th, 2020

I don't know. Theres so many things I'm feelings today. All good, some difficult feels, and i was conscious-er abt 'em yadot.

i don't know what i want ot like um equate

i tink i was continuosly at disequilibrium today, so i had to do a lot of work to get it back to equilibrium for the duration of like 150 minutes give or take minutes

it worked.

I did the sribble ball of i don't know what it was graph of life, and expertise!~? hmmm can i draw it? does using this image to represent what i'm thinking matter? do i need to find it? hm, naw.

I did a lifetime in one day. -both satisfying and exhausting blarhhs-on hypomanic days like today. (previously, like yesterday time space contained in days few)

i don't know i've always wanted to process it, but the feeling and explanation is so vague to put into words. I wonder why.

/ shrug /

lots of emotional I feel in under one hour. I guess it keeps changing rapidly for me i don't know/want to? unpack it?

Oh, it's probaly a partion portion how do i explain grandiose. not technical. but i guess that's the word doctors scientists researches can use. Hmm. i guess i can use it to o . Mixed with a lot of emotionally. full. idk so much to not clear

SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEE.

-awkwardly happy living in my mind-

I don't know when i'll complete this. huh. abandoned journaling. pick up _________. so many choices to fill in the blank.

-reality vs. mind internal reality -