Journal and perhaps Create something I can stick too
It's 20 days into July. Twenty!! Where did the time go? I had summer classes for a month, and relaxation for a week, and then walking a dog another week. I'm surprised by how much time or days have gone by. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKS. It's summer and there are places I want to go too. I don't want to go alone and all my friends (my circle of three friends) are busy. I don't know. I want to make something of my next ten days. I want to be 'yay I'm working on this and it turned out great!' It's kind of hard. Because I'm motivated to do things when I see people and that keeps me accountable. Staying at home all the time has me un motivated and un willing to do things. Anyways, for the next two days--Sunday and Monday--, I'll be doing and planning/hoping to do some of this.
1) Walk with my mom and dog at the lake.
2) Write in my journal (I haven't done this in a few weeks and I need it)
3) Eat an apricot from the fridge
4) REALLY clean out my section desk/papers/shelf of my room ***I like this one. I need this one.
5) Pay for my Fall class.
One thing for me is consistency. I'd really appreciate it if I followed a night hygeine routine, which means sleeping before midnight and making sure I brush my teeth and take my meds and rinse my contacts. I'd also like a morning routine, which means starting my day WITHOUT tv if I can help it, so I can do something like Clean my Inbox, Write a Story, Plan and read the articles in m Interview Packet so I can be prepared when I come to the Program. Perhaps take the CBEST too. And plan to e-mail a few teachers I need to shadow in two weeks. NOW. Do it now is the mantra that will help.
Rant. Don't do that. Restrictions.
I am angry, annoyed, and reactive.
When I think about things I can do and can't do i remember all the discouragement I receive from my mother. So here I am now.
I hear don't paint your nails. It males your nail yellow in high school so I stayed away even tho I thought it was pretty.
Then in high school, wow my friends hair is nice color. She chose blue. I hear from her don't color your hair. It damages your hair. So I bleached the underside of my hair until I turned orange because I'm not supposed to color my hair so I'll hide it. Then she said it was ugly when I thought it looked okay nice.
Ow the fuck. I don't get it now Iearne you fucking ccoe your hair black. So all the things I'm not supposed to and I fucking adhere to them its fucking cha get. That meant I s Y I adhere to those fucking Internal rules na di c t get to them
.akeup? No not good. Fi s fuckin all rules I cN dixking destroy things n erase im not supposes to do anything. I. Not supposed to to Nyrhing so I don't.
Unless I get mad then I can destroy something because I have at least a right to destroy fucking my stuff
Your fucking rules didn't make sense and I fucking followed them when they didn't make s e se and snow so may things dot make sense.
Still.
Fucking leave me fucking alone
Also no I fucking hate vegetables bit my family told me I love them and that's all I'm supposed to eat at a fucking Chinese dinner
For do many fu King years T years du k I had no choice that's what it feels and I still feel bound by those intrinsic obligations it gives me ducking anxiety to ring a bit.
I can't get out if my fuckinv mund/past. And no irs nor goof to take about people so I don't fucking lookst people because UT not supposed to.
A
Ll my fuckingabel is ur either depressed, sullen. Not a fun person to bring to fam trips. Oh and then smart. Smart for what? Smart for fuck in no living. Mom u gucking lisr.