Just some thoughts on my meditation this morning

Idk how to describe it really.. except just a frustrating feeling of wanting so badly to move forward and away from all the things, thoughts and feelings that keep me wounded, tied up.

I’ve recently gotten into meditation and it has helped me become more clear about some of the things that still live within me. I start to connect with myself , my heart, my body.. and even though it’s a great feeeling. Some feelings arise that feel so bad and I have no idea what to do to release it or kind of find some sort of comfort/ ease within myself. In a way it feels like a battle between calm & resistance.

My heart feels so heavy, Almost to the point of acheing. Anxiety builds up and just sits there and it distracts me. Both of these feelings calling out for attention but sometimes maybe a little too much? To the point where I don’t really even wanna continue.

Sometimes it doesn’t feel like this is healing.. just feeling like it’s reminding me of negative feelings or things in my life that currently contribute to these feelings. Dysfunctional family, lack of true connections, love, …etc;

I wonder after my meditation, Am I supposed to just learn to live with these feelings? Or use this as a tool to heal and release them .. because if that’s the case.. I’m not really sure what that would look like. Sometimes it all just feels blocked & stored within me.. feelings wanting so badly for me to let it out.. to scream, to cry maybe.. but it’s blocked. I’m blocked.. and it’s frustrating.

Because I honestly just want to heal, to release, to process… to move on & to be free.

Some days I end up feeling worse than when I started