Me talking about me in public (CW: intense emotions, maybe swears, lotsa gifs lol)
Hi! I don't mind anyone reading this (in fact, I maybe encourage it?? lol). I love the idea of having a diary, but I've never been able to keep one up. I'm hoping by making it public, I might be nudged by others to keep contributing.
The last 36 hours have been a lot. I woke up yesterday ready to run errands when I found out that my paycheck was being held by my bank. This week has been high emotion for me, so when this happened I nearly had a breakdown.
But then a voice in my head said "Get out, go for a walk!" which is what I normally do in the morning but hadn't yet. It helped a lot -- I walked to a spot that has been spiritual for me this year and had a big cry. I came home, called my bank, and sorted it out! I was fully expecting to not be able to have food until Tuesday, but I resolved the issue and that was huge for me!
Unfortunately, by the time I finished with the bank, groceries had to wait. I had a gaming session with a good friend, and I laughed hard the whole time! It was so cathartic, and exactly what I needed. And then, I had a phone call with my kids.
Talking and gaming with my kids is often fairly predictable. However, they are both sensitive, and my daughter started getting into her feels because she felt like she didn't get enough time with me. For one of the first times in the past year, I think I was able to calm her down just a tiny bit over the phone!
After that, I decided to go get supper so I went to Burger King, which is an uncommon treat lately. I went and grabbed an Impossible Whopper meal to go, and sat in another spiritual place of mine to eat it. It was so peaceful and relaxing, I hardly realized it was getting dark by the time I finished my meal and some meditation.
As I walked home, I decided to go to the gas station to pick up some candy and a drink. Then I had to do 4 hours of work, late into the night (I didn't go to bed until 12PM yeesh!); however, it was rather satisfying because the work was easy and I watched movies while doing it (Deadpool & Wolverine along with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, two of my faves).
Then this morning I got on my griind! My brain refused to sleep past 7AM, so I got up, got some breakfast from the gas station, and then got my groceries. I had to walk them home, which was quite a sweaty trek. But I pride myself on being a "muscle mommy", as the cool kids say, so I took care of business!!
Now I am exhausted. I need a bit of downtime, but then I have to get some more work done. Plus, I need need need a shower -- I don't remember the last time that happened.
@HappySpecter Loveee adventurous story times!
The last post feels like a lifetime ago!
Yesterday was tough. I decided to perform a cord cutting ritual at my local park, and a big thick cloud hung over me the rest of the day (into today, honestly). My Auntie has been abusive for the last few months, and it was time to let her go.
This is extremely sad, but also cathartic. I have been in quite a few abusive relationships (tbh, most of my life I've been in one or another), but this was the first time I cut someone loose for it. She's been so supportive of me my entire life, but something about being in this house together has changed our relationship for the worse.
Today, I couldn't rise myself from bed before 10AM. I still got quite a few things done though: did laundry, made chili mac for the next few days, and even still got my walk in. I'm a little worried that I'm falling into a depression, but I think I'm okay right now.
Tonight I get to game with my kids again! I am missing them so much these days. I've been apart from them for more than a year, and while we still have these video calls, I miss them more and more each day. I just want to move on with my life, but I feel stuck waiting for other people to get their poop together!
Right now, I think I'm doing better than yesterday or even this morning. I'm still feeling a bit of ennui, but I'll get through this (not sure if I believe that yet, but I know it's true).
This week was exhausting. The energy in this house has been way off since my recent blow-up with Auntie. But...
My divorce is finally finished! I am now officially a completely single lady!
This also come with a financial settlement, and I have been waiting for this for a very long time. With the economy and crap job market, I haven't been able to get my feet under me for the last year. But now, with some money to be able to move, get a car, etc. I think I can really make a go of this! That said, I am also nervous. The moving forward part is going to be a lot of work. I want to make sure I am setting everything up for success.
I am taking it easy today so I can recover from all of this change. I get the sense that things are going to start ramping up quickly, so I want to get some rest in while I still can!
Things have ramped up, as expected. Yesterday I learned that a large source of income won't be coming for a while, and I had a meltdown. This was expected, but I wasn't expecting to turn around from it so quickly. I screamed into a pillow, I cried big tears, and then I moved on. I started thinking of new ways to support myself, both mentally and financially.
I also watched this ^^ for the fifth time in just as many days last night. I learned that the word kaja means "let's go" in Korean (Zoey says it a bunch of times in the movie), and that might be my new battle cry!
Sleeping last night was a bit hectic, shall we say, and when I woke up I was filled with tension and panic. I was able to talk myself down, and decided to order some brekkie. I walked to go pick it up, had a wonderful conversation with a person who works there (who may or may not be into me 😜 ), and am now enjoying a lovely cup of coffee and a sandwich (well not right now, but I will be in a minute).
I'll be honest, I'm scared. I'm nervous. I am, in fact, uneasy about my future. But I feel like that moment in Friends where Rachel is nervous about moving: big changes are coming, and I'm both scared and excited at once. Scared-cited?? lol
I probably have more in common with Rachel than I have ever admitted.
I don't feel like I'm waiting anymore. I have rested long enough, and now it's time to make things happen.
Ending with lyrics from KPop Demon Hunters feels appropriate here. This is from my favorite song, "This is What it Sounds Like" by HUNTR/X
We broke into a million pieces
And we can't go back
But now I'm seeing all the beauty in the broken glass
The scars are part of me
Darkness and harmony
My voice without the lies
This is what it sounds like
Why did we cover up the colors stuck inside our head?
Get up and let the jagged edges meet the light instead
Show me what's underneath
I'll find your harmony
Fearless and undefined
This is what it sounds like
My voice without the lies
This is what it sounds like
Fearless and undefined
This is what it sounds like
Truth after all this time
Our voices all combined
When darkness meets the light
This is what it sounds like
