Modal0154: journal open to replies

Feel like having been 'a brat' for arguing w/my mom about working late hours more often.

Hindsight.

Reprimanded by a bus driver for thinking the '101' stops near the RBG. **The #1**, though I don't always remember it being like that.

Not looking to possibly seeing them again; seldom a reason to go outside of Hamilton.

'Woodland cemetery' is not nearly as wide as I thought it would be.

Is it b/c I have not eaten enough or too much?..

not feeling well--stomach area..

It might make me near the cliche of gym venturing as a post-New year's resolution thing but I think I will go for a '10 day punch pass' b/c of the whole 'finality' vibe of December/ not being too sure to how well I can commit to gym going.

Once I went to a meditation retreat in Toronto. In spite of borderline last minute demoralization by my dad about staying at what essentially was a renovated house w/the bareness and austerity of a newly moved into house run by (I seriously mean this w/no offense--goodness knows I seek better words) a 'hippy-dippy' couple who got practise and meditation certification in Thailand. I was deeply let down early on by how what I was expected to do within the ~3 day stay (starting on a Friday) could be taught at a session at a community centre..I think this was ~'Vipassana'(?) meditation..

Only three things (i)a bowing like gesture similar to what Muay Thai boxers in Thailand do during the pre-match dance like ritual, (ii) sloooowlly raising my hands and walking from one end of a room to another and (iii) the expected lotus position (right leg in front of the left), no talking sans daily meetings with an instructor and a phone for emergencies.

..I was only there for less than 30 hrs...I have talked about this before and hence don't feel like spending time typing on this..but when your mind is purposely stilled..

...don't expect 'inner peace and serenity'..it works different/it 'expresses itself' differently for each individual...

..in my case a lot of pain, self-hatred rooted pain broke out/open up..

https://youtu.be/RTDW5yYbltw?t=322

'_' 5:22-~7:37 ....as f---g hyperbolistic as it is...it is not fun for 'what remains' in your mind to aggresively outbreak on yourself..

..Nothingness *with expectations* hurts.....it takes 'some kind of athleticism' to do nearly nothing else but meditation for days on end..

...I feel that my assertiveness to start divulging into an arguement about finality and seeing a dead ant somehow clicked w/an instructor (who I hadn't seen beforehand sans the website) to let me leave..

...that whole 'experience' , the payment for the food to be their, lodging and expected length of stay was an unrefundable ~$400 Canadian =_=..

___

https://www.lorinroche.com/dangers/homeless.html

"The Dilation Syndrome

In sports, injuries can result from being too flexible, or more flexible than you are strong. In meditation, a crucial balance seems to be sensitivity and strength. Meditation does tend to make you more sensitive, and if you meditate just the right amount for your daily activity, just living your life will make you stronger. But if you meditate too much, you may become too sensitive too fast. I am thinking of calling this The Dilation Syndrome, because it may be related to the chakras opening too rapidly. The analogy I am making is that opening the chakras is like learning to dilate your pupils – if they are too wide open, then they will not adapt to the light levels, and bright lights will hurt your eyes. You may then become afraid of the light or think "the light is hurting me."

My conviction in chakras aside, this..going beyond a 60 minute weekly minimum, or up to 20 minutes on a given day to calm down...my autism was not, did not make for a superpower for meditating that would guarantee me coming out and having become Dr.Manhattan..

Those days around early March in Toronto actually marked being entirely on my own w/family while out of Hamilton for a while..

Considering this bizarre 'dancing man' in Western style boots and a construction vest, I saw yesterday and swear I have seen about ~twice before..

..sometimes I imagine that out there is an ultra-rich person who pays not-well-to-do pl to make spectacles of themselves somehow, trying to add exploitative amusement to otherwise dingy places.

In the past, not now:

When your devout like sister is overtly getting involved in gospel like music and yet it doesn't really stop you from wandering on pornography '_' ..

The sound of wind in my third floor room..the fallacy of relative privation perhaps making me think how someone homeless is struggling w/the wind and cold..the deceptive nature of winter: you look outside and it seems mild and sunny but fudging h--l is it cold and windy sans any snow..if Canadians still have fantasies about retiring to somewhere more tropical, I think to myself how self-deceptive that reputation/image of loving winter is..it would take too much work for ~+35 million(?) to learn Wim Hof body heat retention techniques..

it doesn't take a foreknowledge of physics and heat retention to appreciate how thin and flimsy walls and ceilings are from protecting you from the elements, when your sick..it doesn't take a foreknowledge of physics and heat retention to appreciate how thin and flimsy walls and ceilings are w/in a house apparently ideal for a family and yet such a f---g aggravation to acheive b/c if you still society what 'makes you happy' including simple neccesities like the right kind of roof over your head you'll have triggered a s--tstorm of fools who will make things harder for you..the I v. everything else attitude.

Curtains are closed for a reason. It's ugly to look outside. It's ugly to think about outside. It's night time.