Morning Meditation Thoughts
This morning before I even decided to start my meditation, I was very resistant. It was called “befriending an opening to life” and lately I have been feeling like me and Iife just aren’t on the same page or side anymore.
But today when I finally brought myself to sit through this meditation I felt nothing but warm and positivity radiating from around me, the world, its energy, its essence.
I did of course feel resistance. But i discovered that this pain and the resistance that I have been feeling was kind coming from my own heart, my own mind—not the world.
I realized that I have a lot of pain stored in my heart and I’m not even sure how far back it goes. There are so many people who I feel have wronged me, In the past and even just a couple days ago. Some people that I can’t even really get away from in my every day life, some people that I didn’t want to get away from in my every day life.
One of my goals is to just be radiant and free and just live every day in a relaxed presence, a soft presence, to just be easy. Too many times I find myself so fearful of losing control, so upset when things don’t go my way, when people do things that I dont like , when the outcome isn’t what I want and I just hate feeling like that. Feeling so upset, feeling all over the place in private and in public.
I just want to be calm. But for me, forgiveness and letting go of her and anger has never been something that came easy. Even since I was little. I grew up in a family where I had to hold a lot of things inside.
So now, I feel such a strong resistance in just thinking about the fact that I have to let go or forgive someone who I feel has just wronged and disrespected me so much.
I wish I could see outside of myself. My hurt. I want nothing more to release it, nothing more to be free, my heart to be free but where do I even start?
Anyways this was a good meditation at least in a way I know where the source of pain is . At least I know it’s up to me to change it. Any thoughts?
@lovingCup504
Hi friend, thank you so much for sharing this! I found myself nodding and agreeing with you, you're very good with words and seem super self aware as well! It's fantastic that even with that resistance you managed to practice that meditation, you seem like a person who is very dedicated to their development and that's so admirable.
You mentioned this idea of holding things inside being natural as it's what you learned to do growing up, and having resistance to letting go and forgiving. I'd like to raise a counterpoint for thought.
How would it be to experience that anger? Not to try to forgive, or to force yourself to feel happy or numb, or to any way ignore those difficult feelings. How would be it be to geninuely be angry? To hate the actions that harmed you. To physically throw pillows on the floor. To scrawl angry, brash letters to rip up into pieces.
You're used to experiencing these thoughts and feelings of ignoring uncomfortable feelings. That's nothing to be ashamed of, so many of us grow up that way, learn it from the people who raised us. And now you're trying to make yourself let go, and forgive. What if you're skipping a step, friend? You can't let go of something you haven't dealt with yet.
Just something to chew on.
I truly hope these difficult experiences provide you room for exploration and growth, and that you find moments of safety and calm inside yourself.
Please do update, I'm looking forward to hear what you think.
Sending much warmth 💕🌿
Your friend,
Elliot
@WarmLightXO
Hi Elliott,
thanks for taking the time out to read and respond to post. i didn’t think anyone would, so it means a lot.
Good question by the way. I guess the answer is because in a way I am unsure of what to do after. I can scream, cry, punch pillows like you say, but then what? I think that’s the part that scares me the most. Not knowing what to do with the it once I finally let it out.
I guess in a way I never actually learned to deal with emotions properly, hence the reason I have worked so hard to become self aware and learn to manage and understand them myself. But there are some things that I fear may be too much for me to handle once I let out and feel.. especially if there’s no one to help me through it. I just won’t know what to do with it.
I know that I am strong, but I don’t want to let them out and just walk around with open wounds. I’ve felt it for way too long, so I guess I just want to make peace with it. Even if I haven’t actually let it all out. Idk if that makes sense.
Thanks anyways, your response really made me feel seen and heard.
Happy to respond, I'm glad it helped you feel seen 💕
It does make sense, a lot of sense. The uncertainty you're experiencing about those emotions prompts you to not want to experience them at all. Totally understandable.
I do hear that your ideal scenario is accepting that you feel this anger without necessarily processing it, and that makes sense, especially in context.
Wishing you all the peace you deserve ❤
