My Hopefully Hopeful Journey

I just wanted to say that reading your diary is very inspiring for me. I think you are working very hard and making lots of progress. Also what you wrote about routine makes lots of sense to me.

[RANT]

It is therapy day today so I feel awfully exhausted (even when the therapy went well).

I was still trying to get myself some peace so I really hate it when a friend texted me, complaining full throttle about her workplace and sent flying curse words for me to read. No. No, thanks.

I'm so tired listening to everyone's complaining. I'm tired listening to my sister's problems. Why would you ask about how to feel happier to me? Why would you ask about how to cope to me? Why would you think that I know any better? Then she'll talk about how everyone's driving her crazy, those people are the same type of people who broke me. My wounds aren't healed yet. I even begged for her not to talk about them to me. Please not now, not when I told her that I'm so tired lately.

I don't hate any of them. I feel so sorry about what my sister has been through lately. But please, I'm not your trash can. Does it feels good to curse to others? Does it feels good to just throw it away without any consideration to how I must've felt? Afterwards, I'll have to clean it up myself. Adding to the amount that I have to clean up at the first place.

I'm learning so hard to be able to cope, so I wouldn't ruin anyone's day. Why don't you do it too. So you don't have to dump it on me and ruin my day.

Hi. It's been a while since I wrote here. A lot had happened, and I'm happy to say that my therapy are going so well. IFS x DBT really work wonder for me. Although my DBT therapy perhaps not the traditional one like how it's supposedly conducted. I have no group meetings, I read DBT worksheet by myself, try practicing it, and confirm or report to my therapist. My main therapy session will be about IFS.

The last time I wrote, I was battling (not the best term for handling the parts, though) the Time-bomb. Now the intimidating protector has a new form, it took the form of White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, saying "I'm late! I'm late!" Still not the healthiest it could be in my opinion, but definitely a lot healthier.

Since then I'm working with many parts around my relationship problems. Learning about human psyche, personality type, Jung's cognitive functions, and cognitive biases helped me a lot to release some tension put on the parts. They're pretty chill now.

Which finally brought me to the other Final Boss: Fear-of-Failure.

(We worked on some other concerned parts too before this, me and my therapist really did a great job!)

It was very hard to get in touch with FoF. We even had session two times in a week to get to her because the sessions before that didn't go so well if she's away for too long (her protectors are very, extremely, powerful). This week she came to trust us a lot and shares a lot too. And I'm surprised, but not surprised, that her strong emotions comes mainly from my relationship with my dad...

My dad is a self-made man. He's loved, respected, and his values resonates strongly with me. And I feel so blessed that among my sibling, I share his best, and...well, worst, qualities the most. As a kid, I'm like the exact copy of him. Mom often told me how I'll be great just like he is, and for him, I'm his treasure. He often said to others that I'm his mascot. When he's away for too long, I'll get sick, and he'll dash home for me.

I always want to be like him.

But then I realized that I couldn't.

Dad seems to think that I could even surpass him, do the things that he yearns to do. But I couldn't always live up to his expectation.

Dad suggests a lot of life paths for me, but those are never aligned to what I really want. For him, art and design should be just a hobby, and as a hobby, the more talented I am the better. It could be like a self-fulfilling 'side achievement'. But that's what I want in my life, and it seems like he never consider about that. Is it because I'm not as talented as he wants me to be? For him, it seems like talent has to be obtained at birth. If I don't showcase Picasso level talent, then just give up, I'm not that good. So does that mean I couldn't improve no matter how hard I try, and my future is bleak?

I tried. I tried to follow his footsteps. I enrolled in his university, learned things that I hate. But it broke me, I couldn't do it. I need to be my own person. But I'm scared he wouldn't approve me. I'm scared I won't be cherished as I was. I'm scared I'm not his mascot anymore. I'm scared that I'll be worthless if I don't do what he wants me to do, or what he expects from me, from the little me who seems so bright, full of potential, if only she didn't choose to want something that she's bad at.

My therapist suggested me to revisit my connection with my dad. Do I really feel close with him? Or do I just desperately want to connect with him, by being him?

What do I expect from my relationship with dad, exactly? He loves me, he loves his family, that's for sure. But he doesn't talk much about deep emotional things. He almost never look sad. He's cute, bubbly, and his laugh is always sincere, but it's hard for me to figure out how he really is, how he really feels. He would look very excited when he's pouring his ideas, ideas that I couldn't live up to. Have I always felt that I'm such a disappointment for him?

I talk to mom more than to him because other than he doesn't talk that much anyway, he was away for many years because his job demands him to do so. I know he did his best to show his love, that he couldn't express very well, with his own way (i.e. giving all his money and his time on weekend for us). But perhaps with all of my precondition, I needed more. Perhaps even now, I'm still wondering whether I really know him, whether I really connect with him or not. Do I know him enough, connected to him enough, to know how he feels about me? I don't think so. I don't think so...

And it's sad because it's not his fault. It's because I am me, a child with special needs.

It's sad..

And it's lonely.

My dad called me saying he miss me. That's out of the blue. I felt happy because it feels like we're connected somehow, that it's not just between me and mom. I often feel how sad it is that we talked more with mom than to him, and wonder how he feels about all of this. I think he's fine though, because it's between hearts. But I guess for someone like me I need more than an untangible proof. Perhaps that's why I desperately want to connect with him, by being him, by trying to make him proud in a way that he approves.

It's not anyone's fault.

So I had the chance to talk with him, confirming things. I think knowing that I have BPD helps a ton because now I'm aware where all the trust issues comes from. I'm aware that there's a high possibility that all my thoughts, which affect my behavior and action, are all just in my head. They're all just in my head.

I was so convinced that all of that are true. But then remember that as someone with BPD, I need to do it differently and see how it goes. So I open myself to possibilities outside my head, and try to see the world with a new lens, and keep doing that for a while until all my parts are updated and be at peace with living in this world.

It's not easy, because there's a part in me who is still very sure that all the things that's in my head mustn't be there without reason, it's derived from everything that we've been through. And I think this is where Radical Acceptance from DBT helps, because it could be both way, yes it is true that things happened, but it's also possible that we're translating it wrongly. On the other side, it's also worth to accept that it's not my fault for translating it in a certain way. It might be because of my trust issue, lack of information, and my lack of capability to see things from different perspectives as someone younger.

[IFS]

Now that I've resolved things for Fear-of-Failure (FoF), there's a new part that keeps clinging to me to be heard too. She acts so spoiled to me, kind of cheery, which is bizzare since all the parts are usually sad or tense. She asks for attention, for validation, for love, in such a spoiled way. She's been feeling very lonely and wary, and now it seems, after seeing how I and my therapist care about FoF, she wants to be healed too.

She haven't trust my therapist yet, because she still think of her as an outsider, just like everyone who makes her feel lonely and treated unfairly. That treatment is for everyone, best friends, friends, peers, random people on the street. She only trusts me at this point.

Her name is Fear-of-Success. So yes, her system (trail?) seems to be one that sabotage my growth too. The manager avoid any form of skill-improvement, and the firefighter is trying to fool us that we're no good. They're doing what they do in a fear of being hated by others if we shows excellence.

I'm glad that she comes out because I figured I have this kind of parts. But on the other hand, I'm kind of weary too because dealing with FoF was so tiring. I've been working with the majority of my parts these past four months, non-stop. To be honest I'm so tired already...I thought FoF will be the last strand I need to untangle for me to be able to carry through my projects, but here I have FoS begging me to help untangle hers too. And I feel bad for showing this kind of attitude to her. Will she understand if I need to get some rest and I'll get back to her as soon as I have some space?

I'm so tired...am I allowed to rest?