Need to release this somewhere.
For God's sake, just stop pushing me away when you feel down. I can help you. At least, I can try if you allowed me to do. I don't understand why you are acting like that, like "Hey, I can totally handle that all by myself, I don't need your shitty help, keep it for you, thanks!"
I know you're lying, and it's killing me, because I feel useless, helpless, and dumb. I know when you're not okay, I know when you're sad, angry, and anything else. I know that, and it's hurting me when you act like everything is "perfectly normal, thanks for your concern".
I feel bad and shitty all day long, and thanks to that behavior, I just feel worse. I'm not needed, I'm not good enough to helping you, I'm just something you can push away.
So, yeah, I'm <edited for language - KristenHR) angry right now. I just want to break something. I know I'm not perfect, but at least I'm worried for you, like always. And I just feel rejected, and coming from you, it's <edited for language - KristenHR> hurting me. I want to help, I can help, or I can try. I can be a fucking puching-ball if you want.
But talk to me...
@Loukas
Great share. It must hurt to be shut out and to not be able to help. I hear you and so glad you posted.
It's been about 6 months since our last conversation. And as much as I beg and plead to be set free from your memories, I can't be. I still think of how close we got, how I let you in. And you just..destroyed me. I don't think I was being codependent, I think I was just being a friend. I wanted support. Had I known, that you'd only be there until you lost that person you were waiting to die, I would have never opened up to share my life with you.
Went to a meeting tonight. You know, one of those "take off your mask, we don't like those here" places. So I did just that.
I freaking opened up and talked. Talked about my self harm addiction and how cutting has had such an impact on my life the last few months.
Shortly after, was intervention time. I got stopped by the leader, questioned, and informed the proper authorities would be notified.
So? I took my mask off.
I was real and honest.
I felt that I needed to be heard, so I expressed that.
And now I'm paying for it?
NO WONDER PEOPLE HAVE TRUST ISSUES!!!!!
I am sorry thay you feel this way.