Open to any replies: Diary of Polaris2088

...this is the pt. where I crave attention...

...this is the pt. where I remind myself how I work tomorrow...at the job I actually do enjoy...I job I enjoy and hope to be holding...for when 'operation responsible disengagement/move out' is actually ongoing....beyond that ? '_' >~< ??...

Now is the pt. ...where I wonder if me 'running to read the Samyutta Nikaya' is 'no better', a mere 'fascile' of me 'running to read the Bible' after being upset...a habit which emerged after being 'run out' of the s--thole contrivance of a Catholic/nonpublic high school...albeit now w/a radically disimilar religion...not even theistic but it's that f---g guilt isn't it ;_; ??!

...now is the pt. where I feel bad for having insulted my dad....now is the pt. where I feel 'no better' than the trashy, out or control, 'eternally risk taking/rebellious b/c in reality they have significant issues w/ figuring out what's important to commit to whites' on this site...

10:53 p.m. EST and no f---g promises 'from the divine' of not bieng punished 'one way or another for what I just did'..

...b/c THIS ...doing this however hasty is sure as h--l preferable for me, to the self-harm of leaning more and more towards pornography binging anytime...

;_; =___= d--------------n it!!!!!!!!!. I'd like to move out!. Let me be undistracted!. An undistracted 'art hermit'.

*sigh*

-~-

https://www.writechangegrow.com/2018/01/being-compared-to-someone-else/

When you tell your mom to hang up a call b/c it sounds too much like an automated messaging/voicemail scam and she tells you afterwards that it was actually from the insurance group at the restaurant where she works, which she was expecting =~= >~< ..

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My hands are cold this morning..s—ks that maintenance staff are the sort of persons you need to learn to be assertive w/in life. Heating and Canadian winter.

Old computer stuff makes me laugh.

'The 8 bit guy' & 'LGR' channels: thank you.

Not counting the time I went into Toronto on my own--I realize how the city is way subject to contrivance in terms of meeting expectations for when certain locations are visited.

The one time I planned to go to Guelph , I remember going out in the morning to 'GO station' and picking a promising sounding bus. At some pt. while out on some highway, it stopped at a hub basically beside/apart from a highway, not too different from the 'Macnab terminal' I might take/go through downtown..I waited there for a while.

I forget if how many several of minutes it was until things change but I'm pretty sure it took less than an hour or even less than 1/2 an hour. The fact that it was heated summer midday helps--eventually a bus arrives and it has the assurance of bringing me into the Guelph university*. It felt a bit long-winded but I eventually reach around to Guelph U.

Now I barely walk around the university--I didn't really 'go in w/a plan' but my priorities at least shift after buying something to eat at a Middle Eastern food store (a shawarma(?), a savoury triangle puff w/cheese and spinach(?))..I walk barely off campus and wander vagarant like through Guelph briefly.

I suppose that I'm functionally in the suburbs of Guelph. Going into the residental area of Guelph briefly..I feel that the houses and more 'spread out' from the say big buildings for stores and such**..I also feel like this is a pt. where I could say 'white ppl were stink eyeing me' as walked around but to be fair it might more have been out of the bewildment of seeing anyone around my age during that time of the yr., w/a backpack seeming kind of (directionally) lost or aimless. At one pt. I buy Guelph bus tickets at a supermarket.

**If it weren't for me feigning expecting an inter-city bus meant for universities to stop at a local stop to pick me up and being reprimanded lightly by the driver, I might not have gotten home**..cheaply and on-enough-acceptable-time w/out yeilding to an expensive taxi ride which my stiny a-- is resistant to.

Once I stop/get off at the quasi-deserted near-highway terminal again, I head on a bus going into Hamilton...I forget what exactly but at one pt. the driver questioned about having enough money, I think, which surprised me as brought up implicatively in my reply of believing the 'Presto' brand card was acceptable/had enough funds. There was a dry, apathetic tone in his auditory face/voice [can't insert Franz Metcalf quote I'm seeking].

I went onto the 'second floor' where more younger ppl were, while baring w/bumpiness and trying to write to my embarrassment my pencil case spilled over, got more ppl's attention than I thought I would and I raised my voice to briefly explain how it was just my pencil case spilling over..I decide to (thankfully a destination) stop at a hub in *McMaster* instead of taking my chances w/being on that bus w/that motorist into the downtown core. Sunset already happened when arriving at Mc and I'm annoyed again by that d---n tone of voice telling me to 'tap off the card' before boarding off--it's more difficult to be resenting of a voice or person when 'they are right' w/unambigiously helpful advice.

Walking around the edges of the university onto the street w/a certain church and pharmacy, my risk in telling the next (now local bus system) driver about not being sure of how much money remains on my PRESTO card 'pays off' (pun intended) when it turns out I still have enough..w/is good given how I didn't yet know how to bike/use the SOBI system yet and I wasn't to sure if I had enough loose change on hand for sans ticket or Presto card users.

I make it home and some day(s(?)) later, I look up my Presto account and struggle to make sense of how my funds were depleted..

..overall it wasn't worth going 'to explore' a city on my own w/barely any notion of how long it would take, how the bus systems work to walk around for maybe barely 2 hrs b/c I then realize how my lack of familarity w/Guelph makes it that I'm not too sure where to go for buses which go back into Hamilton except for around the university.

..somehow, some days later (maybe after having talked to someone about not understanding the *inter-city* arrangments for Presto cards), I recieved a call gladly explaining how I'll be 'reimbursed' in a way.

*That terminal(?)--might well be one of the main terminals I hear students, even ones headed into TO for one reason or another use most often for going into regional area universities and community colleges.

**To be fair it feels like that at times if your familiar w/Hamilton's suburb/non-'Northern', downtown/'central region' and non-Stoney Creek eastern parts but apparently Guelph has the reputation of being more 'rural' which it's university programs use to capitalize on the focus of their programs.

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Maybe one reason I bring this up is to explain how I*, someone who can't drive but who finds it helpful to not be in a dingy-to-me city w/no shortage of miserable memories almost choicelessly evoked/triggered in my mind struggles to get around to areas which methinks are not even beyond a 100 km radius of where I live**.

*my ambivalence to travelling being yet another kettle of fish

**is/are Guelph and Waterloo, west of Toronto like Hamilton is?, I don't know.