Open to any replies: Diary of Polaris2088
Delighted to know about this venue within the forums. Can definitely understand if a moderator would message me after this to clarify things with me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aodYwALBM2E&list=WL&index=10 non-compensatory skills
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'Skill' to be knowledgable in nonrepeatable situations being so sought after would make sense that 'high end jobs' are the ones which keep the trend of 'homework' during/from the labour investment process/schooling 'alive?'*.
*think doctors having to research or accountants or managers having to look into finances or admin..
It occurs to me...(in the mid 00's to early 10's) all that talk I used to hear from others about having 20 something siblings and my being utterly puzzled by how/if they would provide lots of life experience advise to their younger siblings---it means, in hindsight that the 'trends and patterns',behavioural trends and patterns of having 20-something siblings from the mid 00's to early 10's and you being in your teens back then, meant that when you came to younger-sibling to older-sibling interactions, experience and 'life advice' for that matter, it would have meant that those kids who I was puzzled by for having 20 something siblings would have 'seen','viewed', maybe even *understood* the stereotypical behavioral phases of adolescence *during the 90's*..
'_' no wonder* for why I always felt so left out by others in terms of understanding social/interpersonal interactions
during the final yrs of pre-internet popularization era--others were gleaning from the experience of teen siblings while
I was hassled and viewed as a niave or ignorant little kid *DURING THE 90's*.**Consider how little kids, even elementary school ones in the pursuit of 'being all that*** try to emulate old persons (including teens who honestly barely are any better at understanding scarcity, expectations and the obligatory emotional regulation) in terms of the media they consume, being crass, taking risks and being competitive etc..
*yet another reason aside from autism..
**what comes to mind is '_' ..the age of a certain counselor I know once
*** and dare I say maybe 'proto-narcissism' or other mental mental health issues later.
D--n this gives me a new gladness for continous hours of video essay processing...I barely, really missed much in terms of understanding reality, I barely, really would have missed much in terms of understanding reality from persons I would've acquintained w/ if I had been more social active during those pre-internet exposure days.
'_' But then there's the validity of friendship..
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Something, something, maladaptation, something..
What I experienced was 'the final sting' of a zeitgeist and it's unaware inhabitants--which might not be too much of a thing anymore given how info preseveration is much better (the internet)*.
*compare and contrast w/say the Harmony Korine movie 'Kids'.
How do you get by for decades w/dozens of mainline entries and spin-offs w/something as high concept as 'Final fantasy' and not get analyzed for consistent themes?. It's why this is still a fave video essay: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35P_9MgxlQU&list=WL&index=5
Smug p.o.s. can now be added among the several 'fighting words' I feel inclined to call a woman I used to have feelings for.
Content warning upcoming:misotheism
Understand that as difficult as it to an extent to swallow eutheism, the ‘attribute of omnibenevolence/being ‘all-loving is…ultimately only a value-judgement..
..I also know that there are various ways to ponder out how theism doesnt really work out too well and its only via the c---pier takes on Abrahamic hermeneutics with or without extremism..somewhere here https://hpl.bibliocommons.com/item/show/172809125 I read Rafael Cadenass take in Spanish and in the ever so inflammatory ‘the conspiracy against the human race by Thomas Ligotti I heard a take (audiobook)..centuries earlier their was Descartes arriving w/questionable sollipism at the ‘I think therefore I am maxim and he had to consider the possibility of an ‘all deceiving demon before his theism could still bare**
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDNCv-ob87E
** arguably barely as many thinkers afterwards have pummeled on his lines-on-thoughts..as with, even w/Kant and the notion of absolutes
I didnt find about Descartes and the ‘I think, therefore I am maxim until in a school handout at 15 in a Catholic high schools religion class, well over a year after learning about the Cartesian coordinate system so important to ‘pre-calculus oriented algebra..but***
..even in the history of early Christianity when it came to conceptions of the divine, attributes were not always settled..esp. during the first 6-ish centuries within the collective hodge-podge which was Gnosticism there was a sect of sorts which had a belief that ‘the Demiurge was the de facto defied entity,= which was actually wound up worshipped, self-deluded but ultimately not a source of ‘true transcendence which was to be sought after..
*** ‘_ d—n do these two comics speak to the terrified inner world of my toddler self..
https://existentialcomics.com/comic/81
https://existentialcomics.com/comic/134
****I know that there are takes/formulations where believe-it-or-not omnipotence is not a thing…process theology and this fellow.. https://www.iep.utm.edu/whitehed/
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At the risk of ‘misdirecting or ‘miscordinating what I mean to get at…glad for the non-theism of ‘Eastern thought am I…
..but more importantly I mean to express how..
To this I struggle w/nonsecular thoughts in that…if I ‘stand up for myself, assert myself even to the point that I might physically fight ‘the universe, ‘the divine will essentially punish me, retaliate for reasons I can very well never understand nor expect to humanly understand (hence one major bone I have to pick w/harmatiology as per Catholic background)..I am ashamed to say how this stupid,stupid,stupid thought was even their were staring at the jacka—who was almost about to rob me..
…b/c thats the thing about divine attributes, the thing about omni-this and stuff..omnibenevolence and omnipotence dont always overlap very well..the internal inconsistency and d—n agony of coming to terms of accepting how leadership and love dont always overlap well…that the destructive inertia of apathy prevails in the expressions of sentience and the bloody rarity of this https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pale_Blue_Dot
and the number of beings in which experiental internal quality/*consciousness* emerges..the rarity which makes a bone-fide-has-mental-health-level-clinical-depression-issues-literati-wannabe and is not merely an irresponsible, unintrospective, uncommited , flighty, insolent pre-adult troll, Thomas Ligotti go so far as to say that consciousness is an aberration (thats beside the pt. but wouldnt some disrespectful little s—ts here like to know how? >:I )..
..omnipotence even if ever so expounded on through interminable time spent w/tomes ultimately makes for me intense unpredictability…
…if I had struck the jacka—who tried to rob me who is to say that one way or another the ‘life force of 7.5+ billion of my own fellow ape species wouldnt do something worse or as bad against me in a more mundane way?...>:I I mean the jacka—cop w/the stupid a—‘Well what do you want me to do about reminding me of a ‘working-class attitude fata—former football water boy Hungarian teacher who harassed me in a past high school happened barely minutes afterwards but that was apathy …
@Polaris2088
Just want to say that I'm really sorry for the fact that you've had Christianity force-fed down your throat, and I'm really appreciative of all of the ways in which you're fighting back against that and asserting your intellectual independence.
I've talked to some people in the past who were very intelligent/sensitive but grew up in families where a pernicious flavor of Christianity was wielded as an emotionally/intellectually abusive weapon and religious symbols, images, and concepts became completely stained with negativity and traumatic connotations. What I've always felt was that if there was a benevolent God, it would encourage those people to abandon religion, and it would regard that as a very spiritually/psychologically healthy and praiseworthy/noble path.
@frigidstars27
The pt. about 'asserting..intellectual independence' is appreciated but I wouldn't quite agree w/the rest..Christianity wasn't really 'force-fed down' my throat...true it wasn't 'very palatable' b/c of years of closeted misotheism but *my family* at least didn't wield as an 'emotionally/intellectually abusive weapon' what tramautized me was going to an entirely different school board where the lip-service indifference of apparent followers (it would follow that certain demographic trends wouldn't escape my observation "=_=) made them unrelenting a--wipes while there was a 'background' of religious symbols, images, and concepts I was expecting to 'answer'...
...it's bitter to leave wondering if 'your the fool' for having taken so often tauted as important so seriously, so commitedly until you reached points of nigh-irreversible destruction...it was 'a joke' the whole time. The question is 'did you recognize that?'--hence importance of secular theories of mind in regards to anxiety.
"What I've always felt was that if there was a benevolent God, it would encourage those people to abandon religion, and it would regard that as a very spiritually/psychologically healthy and praiseworthy/noble path."..
for all the risk of scowls ,judgement and ridicule by 'lip service' adhering followers.. ._. indeed...
Apathy...not caring enough...millenia of religions coming and going, the golden rule prevailing but that b.s. , that b.s. of not taking initative..
...most apparently take it, do it w/un- or barely mediated tactless action..
...autistics struggle w/nonverbal understanding in polar contrast to say the nonverbal understanding needed for deaf culture...
>:I WORDS ARE IMPORTANT (John 1:1 anyone?, theists or not?!) and it's just b/c I'm billingual by upbringing...
f--k did school fail me..and yet the b---ds would sooner that I think there was something wrong w/me possibly never batting an eyelash if I went self-destructive than them ever take uncoerced or un-sex motivated initative for caring and understanding..
Risk...
always risk...
in nontheistic frameworks, in existential frameworks, in 'post-millenial edgelord' frameworks risk..
..godless or not, divine or not...
...all my understanding...all that I hold important..all that consistency...and the f---king illusion that the human experience is immutable...
...'when things are not right', someone is threatening me physically I can't ponder and take time to think that 'I'm harming one of God's precious little creations'..b/c it's unlikely that likely kyriarchy addicted dumbf---k would ever consider such information than pretned-numbingly to attack me..
...=_= and when it comes to the bloody infrapolitics of psychpolitics and socializing friendlessly at work...
...=_= and when it comes to the bloody infrapolitics of psychpolitics and socializing friendlessly for transactional interactions like speaking w/jaded, snobby clerks at a government-subsidized housing agency..
