Open to any replies: Diary of Polaris2088
Delighted to know about this venue within the forums. Can definitely understand if a moderator would message me after this to clarify things with me.
https://youtu.be/9AxBv9626HM?t=92 -- 1:32-1:42
I know your a theist 'jennysunrise8'
*chuckle*
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cosmic puppermaster....
Tillich and Watts to protect me..
I was the one
https://www.reddit.com/r/Buddhism/comments/biy5hk/if_the_self_is_an_illusion_why_should_i_trust/
who wrote this once..
@Polaris2088
I guess the question as I'm hearing it is whether it's possible to feel both of these simultaneously:
1) The self is an illusion
2) I trust myself
Just for starters, I'm completely terrified that a knowledgeable Buddhist might come along and rip whatever I write to shreds by saying something like, "You call that Buddhism? You're one of the deluded, ignorant preaching wrong views and incurring kalpas worth of negative karma by distorting the dharma." So then it's like... "Ugh, fine then. I don't want to be a Buddhist if it means I'm walking on eggshells at every moment trying to avoid getting verbally decapitated for intellectual sacrilege. Even if I don't know what I'm doing or am doing it wrong, please just let me have the freedom to try things and struggle and fail without being crucified for it."
Having said that, if I were to try to bridge those two statements, I feel like I'd want to soften the language and rewrite it a bit on both sides.
1) I feel like I am just a sort of a stream of a lot of things where I can't really hold onto anything for very long. Whenever I say I'm something, I mutate into something else. It's gotten to the point that I'm uncomfotable saying that I'm anything. Or I say things but assume that within a few hours or days, they might not feel true anymore. If I say self is illusion and have an experiential sense of that, that's usually what I'm personally connecting with.
2) I'm going to say something a bit contrary, which is that at this moment, I actually really strongly distrust myself. If I force myself to say "I trust myself", it just feels wrong. I have an unpleasant feeling in my stomach when I imagine saying that. I'm really disgusted by it. It feels like something that I just don't want to say. I want to drop the word "trust" from my current vocabulary. That being said... I suppose I have a certain amount of confidence or faith in myself that... it is completely okay for me to be distrusting, paranoid, and anxious... or that those transient feelings have some self-protective or happiness-supporting purpose or motivation behind them. I want it to be okay for me to think and feel whatever I do and to be allowed to explore whatever comes up if that feels attractive. If distrust feels attractive and really resonant or like I'm connecting with it, then I want to give myself the freedom to be distrustful... and entrust myself to whatever intelligence or underlying purpose/function/benefit that impulse might have. If it turns out to be something destructive, then I assume that over the long run, instincts/impulses are self-correcting... the next time I'm in a similar situation, I'll have an instinct of reservation that bubbles up and feels like it's more dominant. I can imagine how over the long-term, through this trial and error, there might be an accumulation of experiential understanding or gradual/progressive growth of knowledge... sort of like the scientific method insofar as there is no endpoint at which you have "found" a final/perfectly reliable truth... but still there is a felt sense of progress, movement, or improvement in the accuracy/utility of your guesses over time.
@frigidstars27
... '_' ...d--n do I wish I was as knowledgable as you are, enough that I can entrust myself to say I am comfortable w/what you said.
Shame problems.
b/c when you are told that 'infinity'* which you apparently a pt. of and the totality of existence
which you are apparently a pt. of is based on this..such concepts; the divine et al..it's difficult to not take it
seriously and ironically even if you take this (too) seriously you may well wind up w/mental health
issues..
*usually pitched as infinely big instead of infinitely small (infinitesimal) more often than not..
I've not seen it but the title Bubblegum crisis is still a fave.
When your brother says sick to the paused scene of a bunch of firearms on a table while you are watching an anime* and you nervously chuckle to indicate that you are amused but behind your eyes your let down---the episode is about a reluctant cybord mentally unhinged veteran turned passenger pilot plotting and fantasizing/thought monologuing about attempting to assainate a politician.
*'Ghost in the shell, 2nd Gig: episode 2 --Night cruise (English dub)
Understand how I'm reluctant to watch such shlock..I came out of class gladly after it ended around ~
There is less than an hour left before the day ends...it's a struggle to pick out what to do, when you s--k at going to sleep by midnight...
...will admit that 'cheesecake' like media isn't too far off from my mind..hence I will try to watch other sorts of videos..
...w/an audiobook and most often with videos (one reason I struggle picking--the various lengths and significances), there is very often a struggle for me to 'not be in a rush' to end it just b/c the day is ending as well..
GITs is basically an animated more sci-fi-ish version of a generic crime show like CSI which you watch when you can't think of much else to do...for me it's b/c of the limited time and how my body agitates..
..the episode ended while typing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1FujRzT_u4
@Polaris2088
*Augghh =_= That's why there are video games >:I !!
@Polaris2088
Writing idea: comparison of this course to 'TSOB' one taken earlier in yr.
Don't know where the written Netflix passwords went...struggle to 'pick a show' to commit to w/out being agitated for one reason or another as to when to view it..too long, my 'down time' is sporadic and seldom and I'd rather spend it on other activities..
..bothered by the sophomoric rxn of my early 20 something brother at seeing something 'so action-y' as a bunch of firearms when this episode from this slow-paced, introspective yet fairly lurid given it's premise and style show has a cyberpunk politicized Taxi driver/Chapter 27 episode premise...
that's what bothers me more..the appeal of violence in media to young males but I will definitely admit that I grew up on it--learned of it's subtext and tropes, which is more than can be said of most but still struggle 'to uncling' from it..as sophomoric and indicative of deficiency as pornography viewing is.
Connectivity is the opposite of addiction-------and mentioning the religious stuff I did before could inflame me.
___
Admitting to Italophobia or 'misoitaloism' b/c of exposure and impressions to said demographics at in a Catholic school system..
Feel free to contact me Italian members or listeners..
...deep down...I realize how Catholicism can't always be conflated w/it =_= =~= ..it's more often the apathetic self-deception praising increasingly unjustiable, deteriorating, anachronistic 'blue collar working class' attitudes*..'a crowd' I never wanted to be a part of, I sought to utterly avert in my own misguided autistic and obsessive ways..but through an abusive assortment of judgment and harrassment esp. w/teachers not doing their jobs...it made me into another underachieving, quasi-stagnating, frustrated millenial.
*refer to past entry w/the 'medium' website article on d--bags
Past bullies or me: who has an inferiority complex when there is apathy?.
Rythm
Camus had the one question of 'why shouldn't I take my own life?'.
I have the one question of 'why should I trust myself?.'.