Open to any replies: Diary of Polaris2088

'Lapsed'...I wanna talk about the feeling, I wanna talk about *inevitability*.

When you feel destined for the saddest possibilities of the 'sentience experience'. When you feel you have overcome the saddest possibilities of the 'sentience experience'.

What it feels like when you have a recorded receiving of 800+ calls in ~3 month period, not counting the extra call you made out to others, attempts when things were dysfunctional and extra calls for help among staff. The agony of what feels like when you are ‘on the spectrum and have had 800+ calls course through you in ~3 month period, not counting the extra call you made out to others, attempts when things were dysfunctional and extra calls for help among staff :https://youtu.be/ZjYS3BSEJLw?t=40

When you are surprised and think about what it took in hindsight for you to realize how that ‘local accent you took for granted and which for the most part comes off to you as somewhat grating an auditory face, and a consistent reminder of the destructive inertia of human indifference and provocative in triggering reservations within you is something which you estimate is what a major portion of an entire ~upper half of a continent sounds like. You are both amazed when you think about it and baffled as to how to feel, if anything.

The significance of the ‘Canadian accent to me, post-call centre.

Message in a bottle to anyone young, smart and maybe even computer science committed*..if you seek to 'get in' on the whole cryptocurrency shtick do consider how so far both the Marshall Islands and Estonia actually do have national cryptocurrencies--maybe consider business w/them?.

*the pt. of me which feels like ' Phhfft, as if there is anyone like this on this site'

Message in a bottle to anyone young, smart and maybe even computer science committed*..if you seek to 'get in' on the whole cryptocurrency shtick do consider how so far both the Marshall Islands and Estonia actually do have national cryptocurrencies--maybe consider business w/them?.

*the pt. of me which feels like ' Phhfft, as if there is anyone like this on this site'

Let me say I am the type, no longer fearing 'excommunication', if I can give my thoughts on Catholic confessional sans out of respect not saying what my sins were*

*I can tell, what they were not/never were (ex.arson)

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An instant of talking to a priest which still makes me livid is one jadedly telling me after including my school based struggles, 'you should ask yourself if school is right for you'..

........=___=.....utterly repulsive...to hear that from a cleric and that if I followed w/that in this day and age and location someone would 'drop out' b/c 'a priest told me to'..

..even being a non-practionioner when I casually looked up said location days ago I was relieved/gladdened to know they are no longer present at that location..

While a twisted pt. about would like to experience my experiences and unfavourable thoughts on Catholicism w/a satirical ‘This is America style music video, I would like to think that the ‘soreness I had would make more sense in how I found solace in these 'maybe(?) barely before, after or during Vatican Council II' takes by Alan Watts..

starting w/how things get in this video after 1:54

https://youtu.be/JbU1TEvXtI8?t=114

but specifically from 6:15+ onwards..

..and this entire video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghoOvwLh05g

The Video Game Theory Reader edited by Mark J.P. Wolf and Bernard Perron, p.3

"A word of advice: do not say you wish to "play games." Much better is a wish to study "dynamic technique of search and evaluation in a multi-dimensional problem space incorporating information retrieval and realised in a Chomsky Type 2 language."^7

^7 Bell Games Playing Computers, 10-11

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I would f—g hate if understanding so much of that stuff depended only on being exposed to spending so much time in pain including the instances when I put myself intentionally in such a position

Culpa—(in Spanish)—guilt,fault,blame—‘mea culpa,mea culpa, Latin based and if anyone is familiar w/Catholicism does that ring a bell?..

Self-blame, self-blame is my comfort zone..

It wasnt my fault, no fue mi culpa , it wasnt my guilt

…whats =_=…still left is a bitter implication of responsibility or expectations not having been picked up..d—n am I glad that I look to ‘Eastern thought if an impulse for something ‘spiritual hankers me..

The reason why deep down all that stuff about..nonsecular philosophy and the nature of the self even from Tillich and Watts wouldn