Ophelia's Diary (TW and read if you want)

I wonder why do I want another life when I should be grateful for this one.

I want to live in a fantasy, a ghibli movie like My Neighbor Totoro and When Marnie Was There, or in the Komura Memorial Library from the novel Kafka On The Shore.

I wonder if I should have much more suffering like those characters who are lonely, introspective, calm and independent and hard willed (maybe I made up this word) but suffer so much and have had difficult times but always have someone who helps them from the shadows, the author with their plot or the side characters or their alter egos or just the universe but of course most of the work is done by them only.

I know how hypocritical it sounds, and people will tell me that you already are living their life since you always get back up and are resilient and strong like a daruma doll and have come to reach thsi day and be here. 

Right yes, that's true even I wonder how did I not give up. Maybe I just didn't have any good plans or opportunities to.

I always forget and forgive and that's not really a boon to me always, its more like a curse. I try not to anymore and I will not anymore, I have had enough already, no more. NO MORE.

But if I suffered like them and found peaceful settings to live in like the house of mei and satsuki in the countryside Japan or the cabin up the mountain in which Kafka Tamura lived or if I could visit the marsh house in which marnie and anne played sometimes, maybe I would be able to relate and feel free and valid more.

Since all I ever feel or have are invalid feelings and emotions, bad thoughts and unreal pain and this worthless self which maybe isnt even really worth fighting for..

I am abnormal only pretending to suffer, just like my parents say, the words are still ringing in my ears and if I may write a poetic sentence, its piercing like an arrow through my heart (if even theres a heart, I wonder if it's has already shriveled up and died),

I get it.

Why did I ever want therapy? When it will never help me? Because I am abnormal and not crazy or who I think I am. 

It's not real, my sufferings are all lies and all I ever do is becoming so meaninglessly remarkable that I don't what I am ever thinking of anymore, I can't make the ligic or rationality from all these thoughts, which are intrusive and which are not? What to fear and what not to? I DONT KNOW.

What am I even writing right now? If ONLY I coulf fathom and be more clear abkut everything maybe there would be at last salvation for such a pathetic soul..no even the soul is more wise, I say pathetic mind.

Or is even that making no more sense? idk.

I want to continue writing and writing so much to dump here 

Explain and explain all day and empty my head and even if I dont deserve that peace 

If I get tired maybe I could get some sleep and wake up to existential loath and dread again..

But in a long slumber there's peace from everything or at last I could hope for if sleep would be so kind to me as to take me in its lap and sleep in the cave side by side with Somnos, a cave under the blue sky with bright stars overlooking the vast field of glowing red yet soothing poppies.

So much time has gone by yet the I am stuck on the pendulum waiting for it to struck forgetting the clock has since long stopped..

Yet the day goes by.

(Interpret however yall like)

Sleepy yet can't sleep 

Nobody to talk to either rn

Amar modhe ki eka thakar santi o nei? Ami ki eka thekeo santi pabona onner sathe thekeo pabo na? Jai kori sobi onner jonne jalaton, ami korbo? 

Nijer moto thaka jokhon paap, kharap kaj, tokhon keno ami ekta anubhutihin, nirlipto manush sotti teyi hote parina, shoto chestateyo? Na seta o paap?

Acha manlam seta o kharap, alright; ebong chesta tao britha ebong kharap. Sobii kharap mone hote legeche ebon sobii bodhoye kharap ar baje amar jonne amar kache..

Tayi erokom lage je ami kaor jonne plus amar nijer jonneo bhalo meye noi..

Tayi ki? Hoyeto, tayi to monehoye sarakhon ekhon amar, Ageo hoto ekhono hoye mone.

Hi thank you for posting 

..ami ekta gaan jodi hotam..

Sei gaanta hoyeto

"Ami Nei" and "Mujhse Mera Kya Rishta Hai"

Er mixture hoto.

Nahole hoto na

Duto gaaner e to mane thik amar nijer chinta sathe puro puri mele na.

Its funny that I am even taking my time to post all this words and searching for song links.

While doing so, I found a video, a goodbye, from a person, far much much more better a soul and person than me, I hope..even tho I am "opoya" to my parents anyways..that means..ill opened.. a curse who always does wrong to others..that they have have peace and happiness..and are vey much away from my curse.

Anyone..that I wished "best of luck" or "good luck"..I hope you all are away from my curse too.

Its a curse I dont even want to onflict on anyone..but I am bad..a bad person who always does and says *** so..I am really really sorry..i dont know for what, but I think I am saying sorry for my existence and for even knowing this world (well ofc not fully, but the parts that i know and learned about.)

That person is suffering physical disability..its tough and they cant even eat well anymore. 

Yet here I am..posting a pathetic post.

Why do I even..

but if I do not, I dont know what to do anymore..theres this worthlessly restless feeling..pathetic ik..inside me either way if i dont post this..yet I do.