Polaris 2088: open to replies

I hate how my 'boss' at work gave me an 'apathetic stare of disappointment'/reprimanding to 'not work' before my shift begns.

>:I I do it* b/c that task is not very active/much less active than book shleving, nicely passive and not really one I would like to do at the risk of taking up my break. I do it also b/c of the hassle that is having to log in find certain pages and such provided that I do remember my passwords and such for the work place-system networks/intranet(?) which is seldom used.

Now apparently, it's going to be used more often b/c there are things which she won't tell us verbally ourselves and she expects us to look them up on the 'company' website and email services..but when would be be able to on the maybe twice a week basis that I and other pages check in for?. Our breaks >:I ?.

During my break I tried to log in. Logging into the work place computers being the thing I rarely do, I don't know which log in to use--the E[#'s] one or the [mynamesortof]@[work place].ca(?),com(?) one..I couldn't even do that while she spoke on a phone across from me and hence ~6/15 minutes of my break was spent fruitlessly.

Near the end, she asked me if I logged in and w/that d---n prolonged pause of guilt**, I said no and she asked me something else related to that again and I told her ~'no b/c I wasn't able to log in'.

(i) She's not one who is fond of cell phones being used while at work but (ii) it's fairly likely that the photo of the paper scrap I wrote log-in info on is on my phone which she isn't too fond of seeing..

*sigh* It'd annoy me to always maintain a scrap of paper in my wallet**** which I likely would only use maybe only once a week or less for anything meaningful.

She told me she'd ~'leave a note(?)' w/a (kindly) fellow coworker/page on Saturday for when I arrive during what would be his last hour of his shift.

*Sigh* -~- ..something, something, about s--king at assertiveness (.i.e. better explaining why I arrive(d) early(?)) , all b/c I'm not doing as well at filling bins for interlibrary content delivery, , all b/c I was still fuming inside about not doing as well at filling bins for interlibrary content delivery (even while in 'Chinatown' in Toronto yesterday).

*The task of arriving early to look at intranet workplace related emails and such

**=_= [eyes rolls] that might well have emerged/come from past Catholic confessional experience

*** was on my phone --weeks ago now during an iPhone iOS update, the update didn't work out and after/with help from CS I had to wipe the phone---the photo of the paper scrap w/the log in info is likely still on the Apple laptop I have upstairs albeit it might well mean going through the tedium of the over-filled 'Photos' section..it helps for narrowing down how I started working there since ~early June since it narrows down what I need to shift through.

****not a very well designed one w/it's arrangement of pockets imo

Peter Musser, I am thankful for you and your channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC37J30wHpQOtc1vzuN6OdDA . He is upbeat.

I think that ppl should realize how even w/the internet, the way libraries operate, have operated and still do operate to a major extent on the scale on an intra-city network is as/can be seen as 'deeply specialized warehouse'.

Understand I am no librarian and given the managerial elements, the leadership elements and how I can sort of see the basis and irl inspirations for the movie 'Public', I doubt I would be eager to take up those responsibilities. For my 'painfully slow', physical/motor/mainly hand based labour movements book shelving as a 'library page' suits me and my 'psycho-ontic/intrapersonal' orientation than all the resentment and stewing I would expect at say a construction or manufacturing site on several levels*

*it's not only the risks of 'being ragged on'..these thoughts started being realized be me during dishwashing at a local football stadium.

I think to myself how..if I were at a McMaster library, student demographic, 'library of congress' instead of 'Dewey decimal' system and all things might differ..this is the job, the one w/a more strenous weight of the two held which I am counting on hanging w/me into the 'moving out' phase.

There is a justification for me having taken a drawing course so early in my library based labour experience...my 'hang-ups and reservations' about how to do exposure to nudity and 'sublimating' where I stand on the 'body wasting' of pornography in contrast to labour and tedium of life-drawing..

I took the drawing course in a sense realizing how likely the tedium of this job (as truly likable as it is most of the time*) would sooner or later disorient me into a sort of aimlessness..an aimlessness which comes from...

..when aside from 'what will it take to move out?, when can I move out' is really your most pressing element to look forward to each day, I needed to do something meaningful to me.

Not as intense and quasi-agitating like (a distraction of (?)) spirituality and reading some sacred text, nor an activity as imeediately agitating in terms of the effort or labour and space it requires** like lengthy exercise routines..h--l you might be getting the vibe already that I 'spend too much time on the internet' '_' by me being here or in thinkng what it actually takes for a person to be able to type/express themselves like this consistently/ what kind of life or lifestyles or experiences they have had which has led to this.

Hence I picked a drawing course at Mohawk. Hence I picked a drawing course at Mohawk early on, not too long after being hired for my 'at-this-point-dream-job' of being a library page. 'Better now', better early than w/all the risks and agitations of 'what ifs' later when I have worked myself into a routine more, might have a possible apartment on the way more likely..

..even in the risks of being in a location in an infamous 'joke street' and it's shadiness and the upcoming winter not to count the risks which came w/not knowing what kind of 'social environment' I would be exposed to. Thankful am I for my coworkers and for the lack of 'customer rowdiness' so far.

* '_' *sigh* a more 'taking-for-granted-thought' would be I want a new/different 'supervisor'/'boss'

**I struggle to think that the logistical hassle of going to gym several times a week can actually get by my parent's or at least dad's judgement of 'why are you wasting your time' doing that kind of effort when I can be doing 'the more meaningful (.i.e. wage based) effort exertion of some realm of triggering underemployment construction based or not, secondary sector or not...all that risk of being ragged on, all that risk of my 'functionality' being reduced to an even more obsequious state, all that compromise to my mental health not understand, so much d--n deterioration and the self-deception of being 'underemployed blue-collar working class' or some nonsense =_=

____

******I dread to expound on my thoughts on social assistance*****.

;/

Swears of magnitude 'a--hole' in more formal speak might be translated as 'lout' or 'scoundrel'.

As much as we take it for granted, as much as it is a convientent and sharp expression of being upset to use such a word, when we have been doing that/using such (a) word(s) for so long that we have trouble expressing what it would be in formal-speak for the neccesity to say find 'equivalently sharp' words in another language for understanding, understanding and articulation of rage but maybe not etymology to be understood and recognized by others, swearing 'falls short' and is counter-productive to it's own intention that way.

Translated a Spanish language word which is 'mostly spelled like canal' from the subtitles, Spanish subtitles of a K-drama my mom is watching..it's not the same I would argue as merely subtitling 'sharp English cuss words' which we are already overly familar w/..something,something, high-context communication possiblity, cultural/language barriers of Korean to Spanish etc,etc..different from South Park style shock value of foul-mouth and lurid elementary schoolers.

Se llaman palabras vulgar por un razon, se llaman palabras commun por un razon.

'_' d Found the photo of the 'sticky note' w/log-in info on it..

How much agony is bared for, for a handful of sentences on a resume.

Beyonce thinks she's all that to an extent whereas imo it's been Rihanna ever since 'Umberella' in '07 who has had a more consistent eork ethic/presence.

'~' though afaik this yr she hasn't seemed as active.

It's ridiculous how short of non-sporadic work schedules, and not even that what it takes to successfully do the healthy 8 a.m.-8 .p.m. schedule of activity b/c it sure as h--l is looking better to me now than the d--n cycles of sleeping btw 1-3 and waking up by +10 a.m. and already finding that a fair amount of the day 'is thrown' towards wake up rituals and prepping meals before finding yourself w/slimly appealing slivers of time from 1-4 =_= ...

D--n how everything is a cognitive distortion. D--n " " anything " ".