Thoughts about the wrong decisions I've made in the past

(Feel free to reply or give some advise, I don't mind)

I'm currently in college, studying in a course that I don't like. I chose this particular school because it was close to my house and it was easier to get to — but now, we're still in online classes, so that factor just doesn't matter anymore and it amplified how much I don't like my course. It's not a bad course, nor is this a bad school. It's just a wrong decision on my end.

There was another school that offered me the major that I wanted. My parents didn't stop me from going there if I had chosen to; and honestly, I really should've. I don't like entertaining the thought that I would've been happier if I went to this school and studied what I actually wanted to, but it's true. It really is. I keep picturing alternate scenarios in my head these days, and I really would've been happier. It was far, I would've had to live on my own, but I think I would've enjoyed it.

I don't know why I chose logistics over what I wanted to study. It's really messing me up, because looking back: I knew it was this school was the wrong choice. I even cried about it to my mom. She told me if I wanted the other school, she was okay with it — but for some reason, I insisted on the school near our house. Maybe I was afraid to live away from my parents? This school is also more well-known than the other, so maybe I thought it would look good on my CV? Maybe a business course would get me more money? Probably. But looking back at it now, those reasons were so superficial. Today, I'm reaping the consequences. I can't get through my lectures. I feel like it's too late to transfer now, too — I'm a junior. I've been thinking of transferring since I was a freshman, but I couldn't bother at the time. It's too late now. My course right now is way too different from the dream course the other school offered me. For context, my current course is business related, while the course I wanted was multimedia and design. They're pretty different.

I've always had a habit of making the wrong decision even though I know it's wrong. In high school, we had to choose between three specialized subjects — STEM, humanities, and business. I chose business, even though my heart was telling me to go with humanities. It was probably the money again. Looking back at it, I really should've chosen humanities.

Sure, a business course and specializing in management would've gotten me more money realistically — but look at me now. I'm honestly miserable. I had to take a break from my college extracurriculars lately, for the sake of my own mental wellbeing, so my CV is pretty empty. If I continue, I might end up in corporate; which I'm honestly not fond of. I thought of some choices: taking a masters degree, going for an internship, etc. But the thing is: being in this college and this course sort of made me fall out of love with design. In high school, I've always loved it. It was fun, I found it fun to work on projects for school which required design. I practiced in my spare time simply because I enjoyed it. But this course I'm in is draining everything out of me, and I've joined some extracurriculars back then which required me to design; and I hated it. I can't even do it for fun anymore because it frustrates me, since everything I make doesn't look right. I said earlier I'm taking a break from extracurriculars — this is mostly the reason why. I don't want to lose design, but earlier today I tried making something for fun, like how I used to in high school; and I hated it. It felt like a job. It wouldn't look right no matter what I did. So even if I try to get a job under design or get a masters degree, my portfolio will definitely not cut it. The last thing I made that I genuinely loved was something I did during freshman year: a whole two years ago. Ever since then, it was downhill. I think I took out my frustration on my course onto my love for design, and now I don't love it anymore.

It just sucks, because design felt like the one thing I had but now it's gone. I want to learn to love it again, but I just get frustrated. I think this is the price I pay for making all the wrong choices in the past. A part of me wants to take a year off academics and college in general, and just focus on rebuilding myself — hopefully getting back in touch with my passion in the process. But things are more complicated than that. To take a year off is costly, and frankly I don't think my parents would agree with my graduation getting delayed. Right now, I'm just trying to go with whatever life throws at me, but life seems to be taking more than giving and it's honestly getting tiring. Sometimes, I pray for a sudden miracle to happen to me so I feel like myself again.