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I just need someone to wish me luck! Getting out of a slump

Journals & Diaries / by geemaster

August 5th, 2021

...See more (I don't mind people replying) I've been in an art block for a year now, and it's honestly made me really miserable. I haven't made anything for my own enjoyment since May last year, and living without designing for me just feels so empty. For a while, I couldn't get back into it. I felt so frustrated with the things I made because they never looked right. Just last week, I contemplated giving up design and art as a whole so I could go and try my luck somewhere else, because this slump from last year doesn't seem to end. It sucks because I can't feel excited about creating anymore, and I really miss that feeling. I used to love the process of designing and ending up with a final output. It felt so satisfying, and I just wanted more of that. I don't know what happened during May last year that got me out of touch with that feeling (although, I will say — it's probably because of the pandemic). I just miss being excited about creativity again. Planning things out, visualizing what it looks like in my head — I just really loved it. It felt familiar. But I haven't felt that way for a year, because the things I visualize don't come close to what I actually make. Today, I want to try again. So I'm asking for some luck because I know it might be hard. None of you know me personally, but you know my inner thoughts and feelings now, and I think that's enough. I'm looking for a sign to keep going — and I feel (and hope) that sign comes with the feeling of excitement I used to have when it comes to creating. I want to try again because my life feels empty without designing. I want to feel in touch with my passion again. I know it might be frustrating, and honestly — the output I'm visualizing in my head is not easy to do, and I don't think it's something I've ever done since I started designing years ago. But I'm hoping that if I pull this off, it would be the sign that would keep me from losing my passion altogether. It's been a year. It's been long enough. Honestly, this problem seems shallow. I have bigger things to deal with, but I really get all my energy from being passionate about something, so I really just need this back. I haven't gotten the motivation to get up and do something because I just feel bleak. Anyway, I'm just really hoping for a sign to keep going. I feel like I'm asking the universe for too much, because it's been a year since I was happy with something I made and I've been more frustrated than motivated towards design in the past year. So I'm just here to ask for your luck and prayers. I don't want to hope too much because I'm scared of getting disappointed, but I hope my passion rekindles soon. I really hope it does.

Thoughts about the wrong decisions I've made in the past

Journals & Diaries / by geemaster

July 22nd, 2021

...See more (Feel free to reply or give some advise, I don't mind) I'm currently in college, studying in a course that I don't like. I chose this particular school because it was close to my house and it was easier to get to — but now, we're still in online classes, so that factor just doesn't matter anymore and it amplified how much I don't like my course. It's not a bad course, nor is this a bad school. It's just a wrong decision on my end. There was another school that offered me the major that I wanted. My parents didn't stop me from going there if I had chosen to; and honestly, I really should've. I don't like entertaining the thought that I would've been happier if I went to this school and studied what I actually wanted to, but it's true. It really is. I keep picturing alternate scenarios in my head these days, and I really would've been happier. It was far, I would've had to live on my own, but I think I would've enjoyed it. I don't know why I chose logistics over what I wanted to study. It's really messing me up, because looking back: I knew it was this school was the wrong choice. I even cried about it to my mom. She told me if I wanted the other school, she was okay with it — but for some reason, I insisted on the school near our house. Maybe I was afraid to live away from my parents? This school is also more well-known than the other, so maybe I thought it would look good on my CV? Maybe a business course would get me more money? Probably. But looking back at it now, those reasons were so superficial. Today, I'm reaping the consequences. I can't get through my lectures. I feel like it's too late to transfer now, too — I'm a junior. I've been thinking of transferring since I was a freshman, but I couldn't bother at the time. It's too late now. My course right now is way too different from the dream course the other school offered me. For context, my current course is business related, while the course I wanted was multimedia and design. They're pretty different. I've always had a habit of making the wrong decision even though I know it's wrong. In high school, we had to choose between three specialized subjects — STEM, humanities, and business. I chose business, even though my heart was telling me to go with humanities. It was probably the money again. Looking back at it, I really should've chosen humanities. Sure, a business course and specializing in management would've gotten me more money realistically — but look at me now. I'm honestly miserable. I had to take a break from my college extracurriculars lately, for the sake of my own mental wellbeing, so my CV is pretty empty. If I continue, I might end up in corporate; which I'm honestly not fond of. I thought of some choices: taking a masters degree, going for an internship, etc. But the thing is: being in this college and this course sort of made me fall out of love with design. In high school, I've always loved it. It was fun, I found it fun to work on projects for school which required design. I practiced in my spare time simply because I enjoyed it. But this course I'm in is draining everything out of me, and I've joined some extracurriculars back then which required me to design; and I hated it. I can't even do it for fun anymore because it frustrates me, since everything I make doesn't look right. I said earlier I'm taking a break from extracurriculars — this is mostly the reason why. I don't want to lose design, but earlier today I tried making something for fun, like how I used to in high school; and I hated it. It felt like a job. It wouldn't look right no matter what I did. So even if I try to get a job under design or get a masters degree, my portfolio will definitely not cut it. The last thing I made that I genuinely loved was something I did during freshman year: a whole two years ago. Ever since then, it was downhill. I think I took out my frustration on my course onto my love for design, and now I don't love it anymore. It just sucks, because design felt like the one thing I had but now it's gone. I want to learn to love it again, but I just get frustrated. I think this is the price I pay for making all the wrong choices in the past. A part of me wants to take a year off academics and college in general, and just focus on rebuilding myself — hopefully getting back in touch with my passion in the process. But things are more complicated than that. To take a year off is costly, and frankly I don't think my parents would agree with my graduation getting delayed. Right now, I'm just trying to go with whatever life throws at me, but life seems to be taking more than giving and it's honestly getting tiring. Sometimes, I pray for a sudden miracle to happen to me so I feel like myself again.

just need some advice

Journals & Diaries / by geemaster

April 10th, 2021

...See more I've been thinking a lot about where I am right now, how much I'm lacking, and how much time I have left. I'm writing this because I need some advice on how I should go about the next few months, because everything has gotten so blurry and unclear and I'm not entirely sure how to handle all of it. For context: I'm currently a sophomore in college and I'm in my second semester. I'm taking up a communications major with a bit of business on the side. My entire sophomore year so far has been online (because of the pandemic), and it's highly likely that my junior year will be spent online as well. Covid and the pandemic hasn't really been handled that well where I'm from, which is unfortunate. It's pretty hard to stay hopeful. The past year of online classes exhausted me. Recently, it's been scaring me a bit. During the beginning, I could cry about it. Things got hard — it was difficult to balance everything and the assignments kept piling up. My mind always seemed to be somewhere else and I found it hard to concentrate, especially with everything else going on. It was really hard, but at least — at the start, I could cry about it. I cried when it got hard. I cried when it was too much. I cried while chatting with some listeners here, and the hardships of the first semester was actually the reason I found 7cups in the first place. I think that's what's different with how I am now. The days get harder and the classes get more hectic as time passes by. The second semester seems much worse than the first, but I can't cry about it. I want to, but I physically can't. I don't know if I'm numb to it, but I've never really experienced anything like this before — so it is quite scary to me. I want to cry and let everything out. I'm trying to cry while I pour everything out into this forum post. But I just can't. My grades haven't been the best and I know I'm not performing well. I don't even feel like I'm learning anything. I want to cry about it, but tears just won't fall. I really want to cry. That's pretty much what's been going on with me these days. I'm asking for some advice because I don't wanna experience things like this again in the future. I have a couple options on what my next step would be after this semester: 1. I could take a break — a gap year maybe. I'm exhausted to the point beyond tears. I just want to be able to breathe for a while, and I think a break would allow me to collect myself. There are things I want to work on but academics and college just get in the way of that, so a break might be good. I just want some time to better myself. But as much as I'd want to take a break though, I'd probably be delayed for graduation if I did, and I wouldn't want that. I'd pause time if I could. Plus, a lot of people in my life wouldn't really be pleased if I got delayed. So while a break does sound nice, I'm afraid of what comes after. 2. I'm thinking of transferring. There's nothing wrong with the school I'm in right now, since it's a good school — this is more of a me problem. It's more of me in search for a new beginning, because the more I think about it, the more I feel that I'm just arriving at a dead end if I stay in this school. I can't really picture myself going anywhere with this. The online semester is making me fall out of love with my course as well, and it's quite disheartening to experience. The thing is, the schools I'm thinking of are BIG schools. They're selective, too. And this transferring thing has always just been at the back of my head ever since I entered college, even before the pandemic happened. This is the biggest risk out of all my options, but sometimes I find myself leaning to this the most. I want a new start. I keep picturing scenarios in my head — ones where I'm in different schools, the ones that I dreamt of, with different students and coursemates. For further context: I never got into my dream school. I didn't get into my dream course either, but I'm okay with the major I'm taking now. The thing is, I have a feeling I'd feel lighter if I had a new start and I'm studying things that interest me. If I had gone to a different place, I feel like yes — it would still be difficult, but there would be tears, and ultimately — I'd find it fulfilling. I feel like I'd find it so much more fulfilling. I really do. I keep arriving at dead ends in this school and it leaves me empty. This option is the biggest risk out of everything, but I keep dreaming about it. It's just an idea in my head (I haven't even mentioned it to my parents), and I might have too much expectations and of course there's a big possibility that I'll get disappointed. Nevertheless, I'd really like a new beginning — one that doesn't lead me to another dead end. 3. I keep going in this school that I'm currently in. When I didn't pass my dream school, I told myself that maybe I was destined for this one because I had a reason to be here. I'm starting to get doubtful of that, since it's already my sophomore year and I don't really find any reason. But I still have two more years to go here. I know I mentioned previously that I just keep on arriving at dead ends here, but I sometimes secretly hope that some miracle happens and I'll have that a-ha moment in this school. I'm already used to the processes here as well. I don't know. I think I'm adding this option because it's the safest, and although it's not the one I'm leaning towards — it's the one that I might go with. Because I'm used to this school already. I've always felt so inadequate in this school, and I never really was excited about anything since I was always more worried. Maybe something will come along to change that. I've been waiting for two years, though, and all I've got so far are dead ends. I never really mentioned anything about this to the people in my life. I'd joke about dropping out with my friends, but those stay as jokes. I keep praying for a sign too — a sign on which direction my life should take. I did so badly this past semester that I feel a bit embarrassed to show face again next year. I don't know. It's kinda funny, because I'm still young and these things I'm worrying about are mostly centered around me. I probably seem self-centered. I know I'm not the only one having a difficult time. I don't really know what to say at this point. This is a bit long, since I just rambled, and I apologize for that. If you read this, I know we don't know each other personally but I still appreciate it and I thank you. I keep a lot of these problems to myself because I don't want to worry others. That's why I'm posting about this anonymously here. I just really want life to get better.

I'm thinking of transferring

Journals & Diaries / by geemaster

March 17th, 2021

...See more (I don't mind people replying to this ) I've been thinking of transferring schools for a while now. I'm not sure if you read my post here before, but there I expressed that going through college is just plain tiring right now and it's draining the absolute life out of me. I don't know when this all started. It's a big risk, since I wanna transfer to a school abroad (I'll take the necessary precautions of course, and the school I'm looking at is conducting online remote classes anyways, so I could take them from wherever I am — essentially the thing I'm worried about is the cost). I think I'm just in desperate need of a restart. Being in the school I am right now seems like an endless cycle, and I feel quite robotic at this point. Not to say the school I'm in right now isn't good, the school is honestly very nice and prestigious where I'm from. It's unfair for me to say that it my current school's fault that I'm feeling this way — and if I'm blaming this on anything, it might be the system. Plus, I think this is more of a me problem more than anything. I feel like I need a new start. I don't see myself getting anywhere if I stay in this school. That said, I am still afraid. The school I'm eyeing is a big one, and I'll have to work hard to get there. And that's not the only school — I'm just willing to transfer to anywhere else just so I can get a new start somewhere. I'm constantly meeting dead ends at this school. I've searched for a sign to stay countless times (even before we shifted to online classes because of the pandemic). I wanted a reason to stay — a reason why I'm at this school in particular. As a sophomore, I still haven't found it yet. My fellow coursemates and my friends have though. I know it's bad to compare, but it gets demotivating since I feel like I'm getting nowhere. Like I said earlier, I have no idea where the idea of transferring came from. I just woke up one day and started searching up programs from other schools. And now that I'm typing all this out, it feels daunting. I haven't even talked to my parents about this yet. It's just a thought lingering at the back of my mind. A part of me says I'm giving up on the school I'm in. I'm still a sophomore. If I stay a bit longer, maybe that sign will arrive — but it's come to a point where I can't even picture myself in the future. Another part of me says that "wanting a new start" isn't a good enough reason to transfer. I ended up in this college where I'm currently studying, so I should finish what I started here. I don't know. I feel like sometimes I just make up these excuses because transferring to another school — one that's abroad, at that — is just a really big thing and I'm afraid of it. I'll finish this semester first then I'll think about it more.

just venting and letting things out

Journals & Diaries / by geemaster

March 11th, 2021

...See more I'm currently writing this when I know I should be studying instead. I'm a sophomore in college (it's online now, because of the pandemic). I haven't slept in two days. I just want to sleep. I really just want to be able to sleep and close my eyes without worrying about academics or all the other pending work I have. That's really all I want. I'd take a gap year if I could, even drop out maybe, but I can't afford to. It sucks because I'm not even really learning that much through this online setting. I feel so lost all the time and I just want to pause and rest for a while. I stayed up the past two nights working on an assignment, only to have it completely revamped and edited. I genuinely don't know why I still keep on going. I can't picture myself in the future anymore... I just need to get things done and the assignments pile on one after another and it just gets too much. I just want to sleep for a full eight hours. I want a break but I can't afford to have one. I don't really know anymore, it gets so difficult to balance everything that I just wanna escape. I don't even know if it's worth it anymore — to go through all this trouble for a diploma. I mentioned it already: I can't even picture myself in the future. I feel so overwhelmed and empty at the same time. I know I'm still young and I have a lot of time to figure things out. I think I just overthink too much and I take thigns way too seriously, but I do that because I feel like time keeps running out. I apologize for rambling on and on. I haven't posted on a forum here before and I don't have time to chat with a listener about this. I just needed to let this out somewhere. If anything, I just hope I'll be able to sleep peacefully one day.

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